Tough
by BlueBlood82
Summary: After ten years of marriage, Eddie and Jamie are still the best of friends and solid partners. When that partnership is threatened by an enemy no one can see, will Eddie have the strength to fight and will Jamie have the courage to see her through it? In the Epilogue - It's five years later, where are they now?
1. Chapter 1

The title and premise is based on a Craig Morgan son, "Tough" I do know own that song or the Blue Bloods character, except Joey and Lila Reagan. Please let me know what you think.

Chapter One

Jamie woke to the smell of freshly brewed coffee and the sound of sizzling bacon. He could hear his wife gently scolding their youngest to keep her dress on and "sit like a lady."

"Mom? Where's my helmet" Their seven year old son Joey asked. "I have football camp today."

"It's already in the car, honey. Sit down and eat your breakfast. Lila, go sit in your seat. Mommy has pancakes."

Jamie shuffled into the kitchen and kissed his wife good morning. "What time did you come to bed?" he asked.

"Midnight, I had to fix Lila's tutu for dance class. You were already asleep."

Jamie nodded and poured his coffee. "Oh, this is perfect."

"Glad you like it, Reagan," Eddie laughed. "Can you pick up Joey at football camp at four?"

"I can surely try, but I'm this close to breaking that ID theft ring, so if it breaks…"

Eddie nodded, "Don't worry. I'll get him you focus on your work."

When Jamie finally made detective, Eddie decided to take a permanent leave and spent more time with their children. She felt she missed out on too many moments she would never get back. With the money from her trust fund and Jamie's salary increase they managed a nice home in Staten Island not far from Danny and Linda.

"You're the best, Eddie," Jamie replied. "What's on your plate today?"

"Lila has ballet, Joey has camp. I'm going to exercise at the Y, then lunch with Linda. I'll have dinner at six but if you're late I'll keep a plate warm."

Half an hour later Jamie left for work with a hug and kiss for each child and his wife. He walked into the precinct smiling.

"What's with the grin, Reagan?" Captain Renzulli asked his old boot.

Jamie shook his head, "Ten years of marriage, three years dating, and two more as partners and she still amazes me. When I'm with the kids alone and they get wild I'm always a little freaked one of them will really get hurt or something but Eddie, she doesn't even raise her voice."

"She's a terrific mom," Renzulli agreed. "Our women are a lot strong than we want to admit."

Jamie raised his coffee cup to that and got to work.

Eddie met Linda for lunch after her workout. She loved both Linda and Erin dearly but always felt closer to Linda. "All right, so I have to ask this, did your boys ever go through a streaker phase? I swear Lila is naked more than she is dressed and she does not care where she strips."

Linda laughed, "No, I can't say I ever had that one. Jack had a toilet fetish and Sean his was the swallowing thing like Jamie and your Joey."

Eddie took a bite of her salad, "I cannot convince her it isn't nice to show everyone your business and her new phrase, "It's a free country. IT's like she could tell Jamie was once a civil rights lawyer."

Linda burst out laughing at her little niece's antics. "What does Jamie say?"

"I think he's too busy to realize, it's okay. I understand the demands, but it would be nice to have him a little more present some days."

"Amen. Now Danny's squad CO I see him pretty regularly but when he worked major crimes I felt like I was the mistress and the department was the wife more times than I care to admit, but of course you can't let him know."

Eddie's phone rang, "Hello. Yes this is Mrs. Reagan. Oh I am sorry, I will come get her now." She hung up. "I have to go, Lila did a striptease at ballet class." Eddie stood up and reached around for her purse wincing as she did so.

"Are you okay?" Linda asked seeing a look of pain on Eddie's face.

"Yeah, I worked our earlier. I must have pulled something." She opened her purse but Linda waved her off. "Ice it and have Jamie rub muscle cream in when he gets home. I'll see you Sunday."

"See you Sunday," Eddie echoed then rushed off to retrieve her future pole dancer.

When she pulled up at the dancing school, she texted her husband. "Did case break?" She didn't expect a reply but she got one.

"Yep, perp sang like a canary. How's your day?"

"Picking up our offspring from dance, she took off tutu. Parents complained."

"Do you need back up? Ten blocks away. Perp worked in area."

"Yeah, sure, Miss Paulette might need police protection."

Eddie was a fiercely protective mother. She would discipline her daughter's inappropriate behavior and make apologies but if anyone spoke against the girl, Eddie would hit back tenfold.

She waited for Jamie to arrive. He slid his arm around her and went inside.

"Mr. and Mrs. Reagan," the secretary, Mrs. Mercer greeted. "Miss Paulette is waiting in the office."

"Where's my daughter?" Eddie asked.

"She's in the playroom," Mrs. Mercer replied. "She's all right, we pulled her out of class…"

"I want to see my daughter first, if she was pulled out of class she must be upset. I want to see she's okay."

Jamie knew better than to argue, and he also wanted to see his little one. They went to the play room to check on Lila. She ran to them as soon as Jamie's head was visible outside the glass.

They opened the door to their little one running. Jamie scooped her up into his arms. "What are you doing taking off your clothes at dance. You know you aren't supposed to do that."

"Tutu hurt," she replied. "Here…" She showed him where it was making a mark on her waist. "They didn't let me dance, Daddy?"

Jamie hugged her tight, she looked so sad. She was just newly four, she didn't totally understand her actions were wrong. "Go on and play a little more, Mommy and Daddy will see your teacher."

Jamie and Eddie sat across from the academy's director. "I'm sorry but Lila cannot continue to attend this school. This exhibitionism is highly offensive to the other students."

"I understand it is disruptive," but I wouldn't call it exhibitionism," Jamie replied. 'This is the first time…"

"Second, but the last time she only pulled the dress over her head…"

"Lila is only four years old, the other children are also four years old. She doesn't' know enough to have any explicit intentions, it's a phase. The other children are also four years old."

"Regardless, the parents are upset…"

"Numbers," Eddie demanded. "I want the phone numbers of the parents that are so tight they can't cope with a four year old that is going through a phase, in front of other four year olds. None of those kids should have any clue…"

"I can't give that information out…"

Jamie sighed, "I assume we will get a full refund for next term and of course partial refund for this term as well."

A half hour of arguing later, Jamie and Eddie emerged with their daughter and their money. "We are still a great team…and we still play a terrific game of bad cop, worse cop." Jamie gave her a kiss, "You bet we do…you're adorable in Mommy mode…"

Eddie laughed, "You aren't so bad yourself, Dad. Home for dinner?"

"I'll be there by six thirty" Jamie replied then kissed Eddie and Lila before getting into his car to go back to work.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer and Notes: I do not own Blue Bloods only Joey and Lila Reagan. I do not own Craig Morgan's song, Tough. This story is not related to True Blue in time line, that story's sequels will appear soon.

Chapter Two

With Lila in tow, Eddie hit the grocery store, pulled cash from the bank, and went to the football field to collect Joey.

"Hey, how was camp?" she asked the mud covered boy.

"Great, I scored two field goals and we get to play a big game on the last day of camp! You and Daddy can come and Grandpa and my aunts and…"

Eddie laughed, "I'm sure we'll all be there, honey." Eddie made sure he was safe in the car then headed home to start dinner. "Joey, take your shower please. I'll help you with the water in a minute. Lila, please sit on the couch and wait for Mommy."

She knew Jamie would want to handle this together but she never wanted to let major conversations fester or instill fear of Jamie in her children with a "wait until your father gets home."

While Joey cleaned up, Eddie put Lila in her line of vision. "Lila, you cannot keep taking off your clothing in front of strangers or even in the house. The next time you do this without being told to do it, you will sit in time out. This is your warning, do you understand?"

Huge tear filled eyes looked up at Eddie, "Clothes hurt," she replied.

"Lila, I don't understand. Hurt how?"

"Itchy." She mocked scratching.

Eddie sighed, she had switched detergents lately. "All right, get into one of your old nighties. Mommy will wash your clothes so they won't itch. Next time, tell Mommy or Daddy. If you take your clothes off again, without permission, you will go in time out."

Eddie helped Lila change then began the task of washing all of her daughter's clothes. While Joey and Lila watched a DVD Eddie started supper.

When Jamie arrived home, a meal of spaghetti and chicken was nearly ready. Eddie offered Jamie a smile when he came in the door. Jamie loosened his tie and smiled back at her while a chorus of "Daddy!" was heard around the kitchen.

"Joey, how did it go today, Buddy?" Jamie asked tousling his son's hair.

"I scored two field goals," Joey bragged then told his father about the big game. He couldn't wait to play in that game for his family.

"Well, in that case, I will be there for sure," Jamie smiled. "Go wash up for dinner. Help your sister."

Jamie's eyes fell on the pile of wash. "What's all this?"

"Lila's clothes. I think she may be allergic to the new detergent I got so I'm washing the clothes in the old detergent hoping it will stop her career as an exotic dancer in it's tracks."

"I'll help you fold it after we eat," Jamie replied and kissed her cheek. Eddie's arm was still hurting but she ignored it and pushed on, not wanting to say anything to Jamie.

When the dishes were done and the kids were sleeping, Eddie and Jamie folded the laundry. Eddie's arm was still sore, so she finally followed Linda's advice. "Hey, J, can you rub some of that pulled muscle cream into my shoulder and arm. I pulled something working out and it's bugging me."

Jamie's brow knitted with concern, Eddie never complained. He remembered when she gave birth to Joey…

 **Seven Years Earlier**

" **Jamie…" Eddie shook her husband's shoulder. "Jamie, wake up…it's time."**

" **No, it's still dark. I worked a double," he whined putting the pillow over his head.**

" **Okay, fine I'll just call your brother to drive me to the hospital. My water broke an hour ago."**

 **That got Jamie's attention. He sat up straight in bed, "Are you okay? Let me get a cab…no I'll call a bus…"**

" **J, let's just take the car, my bag is already in there…we have plenty of time, it's our first baby."**

 **Jamie washed his face and helped Eddie get into the car. She had a contraction as they rolled towards the hospital. She held her belly and took smooth even breaths focusing on her wedding ring as it sparkled in the moonlight. "You okay, Eddie?"**

 **She took a long deep breath, "Yeah, I'm fine. I feel really good except when I have the pains but…it means our baby will be here…We can hold our baby Jamie."**

 **He smiled at her, "I know, it's amazing isn't it? You are amazing Eddie."**

 **An hour later they were in Eddie's room walking around the bed in circles. When the contractions came, Eddie leaned into Jamie's chest, head down, taking long deep breaths. She never whimpered, she never complained about the pain he knew she was enduring.**

 **Jamie tried to soothe her when she was having the pains, he rubbed her back and kissed her forehead. It took ten hours for her to dilate to the full ten centimeters. By that time she was contracting every twenty seconds. She barely had time to rest in between pains. Linda held one of Eddie's legs up while Jamie held the other. "You are doing amazing honey," Linda told the younger woman. "You are doing so fabulous Eddie."**

 **Eddie had tears and sweat dripping down her face but she wasn't crying out or bemoaning her situation at all. Jamie was amazed at how she was handling this, he wasn't doing well watching her. "Okay, Eddie one more big push and you're a mommy…and push…two, three…"**

 **Fifteen seconds later Eddie felt the pressure on her body release as their baby boy came into the world screaming at the top of his tiny Reagan lungs. "It's a boy!"**

Present Day

"You must have really done something, you never complain about pain," Jamie reminded her.

"I'm not really. Linda noticed I winced at lunch and asked me to ask you so it doesn't get worse that's all."

"I'll go you one better then, let me run a hot bath, we'll have couple glasses of wine, rest and relax together. These clothes will be here tomorrow. Besides, it's Saturday so I can help you get them folded in no time."

Eddie hated to leave unfinished housework but the idea of time with Jamie was too good to pass up. "Okay, just this once. You run the bath and I'll get two glasses of that new red wine your dad gave us."

A few minutes later Eddie was relaxing in the tub between her husband's legs. His arms encircled her waist as they sipped the wine. "So how about our son huh? Got his father's speed and his mother's strong kicks, I said that from before he was born."

"That you did, sweetheart," Jamie agreed. "Pop said something like that too, when he first held Joey in the hospital after you had him. Joey pulled back one of those little chubby legs and wham….I miss him."

Henry Reagan had passed away at the age of 93 three weeks before Lila was born. He had been so proud to hold his Jamie's son, named for one of their own that had fallen.

Eddie rubbed Jamie's hand, "I know you do, we all miss him. Lila never got to know him, but I'm so glad they know your dad, he is such a good influence on them and they love spending time with him."

Jamie nodded, "He is a good grandpa; some of my happiest memories are of those special times with Pop. I'm glad my dad s young enough to give those to our kids. Now where is that sore muscle?"

"It's here…" She pointed awkwardly to the area that was bothering her. Jamie took some lotion in his hands and started to rub it in. When his hand brushed under her arm, Eddie cried out. "I'm sorry," she gasped.

Jamie ran his hand along the side of her arm, down towards her pectoral muscle and over her breast. "Eddie, how long has this bump been there?" he asked suddenly cursing himself for being busy and not having more intimate contact with his wife.

"I don't remember there being one there, it only started to hurt today. It's probably muscle spasm, I get those in my calves sometimes if I work out too hard or something…it's no big deal."

"Eddie, this is a nickel size ball on your breast, it is a big deal."

"J, it's not on my breast, it's near my breast and that's what those spasms feel like. Let's ice it and put on more cream, in a few days it'll be gone. I'm sorry I yelled like that, I was startled."

Jamie sighed, "You weren't startled, honey you were in pain…IT's okay to be in pain and let me know if something is bothering you. We talked about that before, you don't have to be tough in front of me…"

"I'm not…I really was surprise it hurt like that. I'll be okay in a few days. If it's still sore on Sunday, I'll ask Linda to look at it. Does that make you feel better?"

It didn't, something didn't feel right. Jamie was a very intuitive cop, but a more intuitive husband. Still, he and Eddie were both tired, he didn't want to upset her anymore. "Yes, it does. Linda will know if we have to be worried and she won't let you talk her out of making you get checked out."

For the time being the subject was tabled. Jamie drained the tub and prepared and ice pack for Eddie's arm. "You don't pick the kids up tomorrow or do anything too strenuous, promise me?"

Sleepily, Eddie agreed to rest her arm and let Jamie do the heavy lifting around the house for the day as she drifted off to sleep in his arms.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer and Notes: I do not own Blue Bloods only Joey and Lila Reagan. I do not own Craig Morgan's song, Tough. I will alternately publish updates to this story and True Blue's sequel "Silver Linings" I look forward to your feedback. I also do not own the song Jamie's will sing to Lila in the first part of the chapter.

A reviewer called my attention to my mistyping of Jamie's name in the opening sentence. Was watching an episode of Army Wives while writing this and accidently typed Jeremy instead of Jamie in the opening sentence. Thank you to the reviewer that called this to my attention.

Chapter Three

"Daddy! Mommy! Dark! Dark!" Lila's crying woke Jamie and Eddie from a sound sleep. Jamie leapt from the bed at the same time as his wife each running to their daughter's room. Jamie saw her nightlight had burned out. Lila had a paralyzing fear of the dark. Eddie wrapped her little girl in her arms clutching her to her chest. "Mommy's here, it's all right. Mommy's here." Jamie got a new bulb for her light then joined them on the bed.

Lila sniffled, "It got dark, Mommy."

Eddie nodded, "I know it did, but Daddy fixed it and it's all better now. What do you say to Daddy?"

"Thank you,' she replied wiping her eyes.

"You are welcome, peanut," he replied. "I'm sorry your light burned out and you got scared. Do you think you can go back to sleep?"

Lila sighed, "Can you sing me my song?"

"Go on back to bed, Eddie, I have this," Jamie said taking Lila into his arms. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

Jamie laid next to Lila and started to softly sing, "Do do di oh do…Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go…goodnight sweetheart well it's time to go….do do di do…I hate to leave you but I really must say, oh, oh good night sweetheart, good night."

Eddie smiled as she went back to bed. Jamie was a great father. He loved his children so much even if he didn't always have a lot of time to spend with them. She sighed and slipped under the blankets, still able to hear Jamie's voice as he sang Lila to sleep.

Fifteen minutes later, he slid back into their bed. "She's asleep again, I checked on Joey and he didn't hear a thing."

"Good, he's not the most understanding if he gets up in the middle of the night because of Lila. He tries to be a good big brother but he's only seven. He picks on her about the dark thing."

Jamie leaned on his elbow, "Why am I just hearing about this? If Joey is picking on Lila about something she can't control I should be told about it Eddie."

"Jamie, you are out on the street with thugs and low lives all day long. When you are out there putting your life on the line what goes on at home has to be very simple. I can't be bothering you for the little things like Joey poking fun at his sister or even Lila doing a striptease. I can't."

"Yes, Eddie you can. You never used to keep secrets, where did you…Danny. You got this load of crap from Danny after Martinez got shot because he wife was cheating."

"Leave Danny out of this, Jamie. This is between you and me."

"Eddie, I know I haven't been around that much lately. I've had a huge caseload and a lot of court time. I'm sorry I'm not here so much right now. I'm sorry if you feel like I'm not being a good partner, like I don't have your back."

"I know you have my back, Jamie. There are things I can handle on my own with the kids. When you are out working, supporting this family I can take care of the little stuff. Do you think I'm shutting you out?"

"A little," he sighed. "I don't want to experience this from the sidelines. I know you worry, you probably more than another cop wife because you know the kinds of spots we get into out there, but please don't make that a reason for us to lose what is the foundation of us to begin with, being a team."

She sighed, "Okay, okay. I'm sorry, Jamie."

Jamie leaned over and kissed her lips softly, "Don't be. I understand. Let's talk each night about the kids. If one does something wrong, you don't have leave it for me to deal with after the fact, you can deal with it, but let's keep each other in the loop and not have these talks where I find things out I should have known. Is there anything else you want to tell me?"

Eddie nodded, "I want to tell you that I love Jamison Reagan." Jamie smiled and took his wife into his arms holding her to his body as if two could become one.

Jamie helped Eddie the next day with house work, then they took the children out of pizza and ice cream. Lila kept her clothing on the entire time but Eddie noticed she was still pulling at her garments. She would have to wash her clothing again to get the last remnants out.

"So who is excited about going to Sunday dinner tomorrow?" Eddie asked as they walked along the streets of Staten Island.

"Me!" Lila said. "Grandpa said I can read with him."

"Oh, he did!" Jamie exclaimed. "Grandpa really likes to read to you guys. Grandpa always read to all of us when we were little. Who's turn is it to pick the story tonight?"

As they walked Jamie was watching Eddie. She was smiling and laughing but she kept her arm close to her body. It was clear it was still hurting her. Lila started to get tired and reached up for Eddie to carry her.

"I'll carry you baby," Jamie replied and leaned down. He scooped her before Eddie had a chance to react. He knew she'd do anything for her kids and never say a word.

When they got home Eddie started bath time, "Eddie, I want you to rest your am. Sit down, watch the TV, I will get these guys to bed."

"It doesn't hurt that much anymore, your ice pack really helped…"

"Eddie, please. I can see on your face that it hurts. Please, rest your arm, put more ice on it. I want Linda to check it at dinner."

"Jamie, it's just a muscle spasm…but fine I won't argue with you about helping with our kids. I'll make the ice pack and be watching Top Chef when you are done."

As Jamie gave Lila her bath, he listened to her talk about dancing. They hadn't talked to her about her being asked to leave the school, they wanted to find another activity for her first. "You are the prettiest ballerina," he said softly kissing her nose. "You are pretty like your Mommy." He ran his fingers through her blonde hair as he combed out he knots. "Go get in bed and Daddy will read to you."

Lila was out three pages into her story. While Jamie helped Joey get ready for bed he mentioned Joey teasing his sister about the dark. "Joe, it's not good, little man. It might not make sense to you because you are older and bigger, but to her it is very very real and very scary. You are the big brother, you have to protect your sister and keep her safe. Promise me."

He nodded, "Yes Daddy. She just bugs me sometimes."

"I know, tomorrow ask your Uncle Danny about how much I bugged him. But you know something, to this very day, if I need your Uncle Danny to help me, he is there for me. And if he needs me I am there for him, that is very special so don't forget that ever."

Jamie tucked Joey into bed and kissed him, "I love you little man, get some sleep."

Jamie got himself a glass of scotch then joined Eddie on the couch. "They both went down well, and I had a chat with Joey, I think he will be more compassionate with Lila for here on out."

"Thanks," Eddie replied immediately getting closer to him.

"It felt really good to be hands on with them." He slid his arm around her shoulders. "Almost as good as this feels." He kissed her head. "Almost."

In the next chapter of Tough: Jamie pushed Eddie to speak to Linda about the bump "near her breast". Linda gives Eddie some advice. Danny taps Jamie for a high profile case at an upscale restaurant as a favor to their father.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer and Notes: I especially ask for your feedback for this chapter. I had a more difficult time writing it than I have the others prior to it or for my other stories. I hope that it is up to par.**

 **I do not own Blue Bloods only Joey and Lila Reagan. I do not own Craig Morgan's song, Tough. I will alternately publish updates to this story and True Blue's sequel "Silver Linings" I look forward to your feedback.**

Chapter Four

"Joey, come on! Put on your tie and let's go. It's time to leave for church," Jamie called as he tied his own tie. "Don't make me ask you again, it's getting late."

"I can't do it," Joey said. "It's not straight." Joey came into his parent's room with his tie on lopsided.

Jamie stood behind his son, "Remember how I showed you?" Slowly Jamie did the motions to tie Joey's tie. "There you are…let's go get Mom and Lila, we are going to be late."

Five minutes later, the family got into the car. Eddie had Lila dressed in a little blue and white dress with a bow in her hair. "Now, Lila, where does your dress stay when we are in church and at grandpa's house?"

"On and down," she replied. "I will Mommy."

Eddie smiled and got into the car with Jamie. He reached across the center console to hold her hand. 'Remember your promise?" he asked softly as they drove towards the Verrazano Bridge.

"Yes, and I'll keep it but it isn't necessary. It feels better today and I think the swelling went down. Stop worrying about me, Jamie. Please."

He kissed her hand and concentrated on driving. They just made it inside in time for the processional. Frank had saved them seats. Lila ran right to her grandpa who promptly picked her up. "My littlest grandbaby, so cute," he whispered to her and she giggled.

Eddie had a hard time concentrating on the service. She was tired, having not slept well the night before even with Jamie helping with the children. She only attended church regularly because it was required for her to do so for Joey's communion classes. He was going to make the sacrament that coming May. She looked over at Joey, he was growing up so fast. He paid attention to the homily with interest standing and sitting just like Jamie did. He was the image of his father, her pride and joy. She looked over at Lila, too young to understand the words the priest was saying, but old enough to sit still and hold onto her grandpa's hand as they stood up and sat down on cue.

After the mass, they headed over to the house for dinner. "Jamie, did you remember to put the donut box in the car?" Eddie had picked up dessert from a favorite bakery that past Friday.

"Yes, dear," he replied teasing her. "And I dropped off the chicken. You can dress it but I will put it in the oven so you don't strain that arm."

"Jamie…" Eddie sighed but Frank heard. "Did you hurt yourself Eddie?"

"No, overdid it at a workout and Jamie is fussing over me."

"Ah," Frank replied. "Then let us help you with the heavy lifting."

Eddie rolled her eyes, "You Reagan men," she laughed but they knew she appreciated it.

Ten minutes later they were in the family home. Erin and Nikki had arrived and were prepping the chicken when Eddie and Jamie pulled up. The children went off to play in the play room Frank built for them. Soon the entire family was swirling around the house, the ladies working on the meal and the men watching the kids play while listening to the baseball game.

While they were cooking Eddie inched over to Linda, "Hey, uh, after dinner can you check out something Jamie found the other night when he rubbed in the muscle cream? I think it's just a spasm but he's freaking out about it."

"Sure," Linda replied. "Of course I will. Does it still hurt?"

"Not really just if I move wrong. You know Jamie, he's been working extra hours so he's making up for it by fussing. I just promised him I'd ask you that's all."

Linda agreed to examine Eddie after dinner while the Reagan men talked shop. "So what do you say Kid?" Danny asked Jamie. He'd just asked his younger brother to do a stint under cover as the new manager of La Rouge, a popular and upscale French eatery in midtown. It was suspected the owner's son was using the business to run an illegal gambling operation and possibly run drugs. Jamie's law degree and business savvy made him the ideal candidate for the complex and dangerous operation.

"With you in there, able to listen, copy files, check the books…we can nail the kid and save the old man's business," Danny offered as his closing line.

Jamie sighed, "Danny, I don't really do that kind of work anymore. It takes too much time away from the kids and Eddie…"

"Come on kid," Danny pleaded. "This is important stuff and you are perfect for the job. This guy is one of Dad's oldest friends and he's being bled by his own son."

Jamie sighed, "I have to discuss it with Eddie. I can't give you an answer before she and I talk about it."

"Jamie…" Danny sighed in frustration but Frank held up his hand. "That's fair enough Jamie, it's a commitment and it's dangerous."

"Eddie and I just had this huge talk about being a team and making sure we talk about things and don't keep secrets. I don't want to go back on that word."

Danny loved his wife very much, but when it came to the job he did not stop and discuss things with her. If he was asked to do something, he did it. The concept of his little brother wanting to discuss this assignment with his wife was foreign to him.

"Dinner's ready," Linda called into the living room. "Kids, dinner, go wash your hands." Sean helped Joey and Lila reach the sink and helped Lila get into her booster seat between Eddie and Frank. "Joey how about you saying grace?" Frank asked his grandson. "Show us how they taught you in CCD."

Joey blessed himself and bowed his head, "Bless us oh Lord for these gifts we are about to receive. Amen." Jamie laughed, "Almost buddy. You missed a little bit only, good job."

Frank passed the platter of chicken and the family started to fill their plates. Jamie discussed two of his most recent cases that had gone to trial with Erin and Danny. Eddie listened thinking how much she sometimes missed the streets, then she looked at her kids and remembered the moments were too precious to miss.

As was their tradition, the men and children cleaned up the meal while the ladies prepared dessert. Linda whispered something to Erin then took Eddie upstairs. "Take off your shirt, we'll get a look at that muscle."

Linda had Eddie lie down on the bed and felt the area she indicated as painful. As Linda palpated the shoulder, deltoid, underarm and breast, Eddie cried out twice. "Eddie, you really need to get this checked out by a doctor. How long have you had that?"

"Just a couple days," Eddie replied. "Since that day when we had lunch, after I worked out."

"When did you do your last self exam?"

Eddie thought, "Two months or so ago. Do you really think this is serious?"

"It could be…Let me get you on the schedule for a mammogram. If it isn't anything then fine, if it's something the sooner the better, Eddie."

Eddie looked up at Linda, "Would a tumor just show up like that?"

"Probably not that big that fast but it's better to be safe. What about Wednesday? I'm working I can walk you through it, be there for moral support."

Eddie nodded, "Thanks Linda. Please, not a word to Jamie. If it isn't anything I don't want him to get upset. He's so sensitive…"

"I know he is, so is Danny. I had a positive pap a few years back, a false one. Scared Danny to death, he called in sick for two days. It's between us until we know I promise."

Linda gave Eddie a hug, "We'll say that you have hurt the muscle and there is swelling that needs to be rested and iced. He'll be upset being kept out of the loop but he'll understand in the end I think."

Linda and Eddie joined the family again. "Are you all right?" Jamie asked as soon as he saw them. "Yeah, I really hurt myself that's all. Linda wants me to rest it for a few days until the swelling goes down. Ice and muscle cream."

"It hurts her when I rub the cream in," Jamie told his sister in law.

"Use a very gentle touch in a circular motion just around where it's protruding out and it won't hurt as much," Linda advised.

That night after the kids were in bed, Jamie followed Linda's advice. With infinite care he rubbed the cream into Eddie's arm and shoulder. "It does look smaller," he observed. "Does it still hurt?"

She nodded, "Yeah, after Linda was fooling around with it especially. I'm sorry I'm being such a baby about this."

Jamie laughed, "You're not being a baby at all. If I had this on my arm, I would be whining nonstop. You are the strongest woman I know, Edit Reagan."

She smiled at him, "When are you gonna talk to me?"

"Am I that easy to read?"

"No, but Danny is. He wants you to do something crazy and you want to talk about it first, so what is it?"

"Going under at this restaurant where there is suspected illegal gambling and possible drug trafficking. The punk son is running the place now, the original owner is a friend of my dad's. He came to my dad and asked him for help. Danny thinks I can slide in and fit as a new manager. It's all really perfect timing, they are hiring and I have the skill set…"

Eddie was already shaking her head. "Jamie, you and undercover just don't match. You get too involved and either get made or end up hating yourself because you couldn't save everyone. We agreed that you would stick to rapists and robbers on the surface. We agreed."

Jamie stood up and started to walk around their room, "I know we did, that's why I wanted to talk to you first. Let's just think about it okay. We have a few days, let's just think about it." He sat down again and held her in his arms. "I won't do this if you are against it, but let's not make any hasty decisions, okay?"

Eddie nodded, her eyes burning with unshed tears. Before she knew it she was crying in her husband's arms leaving Jamie with nothing to do but hold her close and wonder why.

In Chapter Five of Tough: The day of Eddie's test arrives. She and Jamie remember his last undercover assignment before reaching a decision about Danny's request. Danny senses Linda is keeping a secret.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer and Notes: I do not own Blue Bloods only Joey and Lila Reagan. I do not own Craig Morgan's song, Tough. I will alternately publish updates to this story and True Blue's sequel "Silver Linings" I look forward to your feedback.**

Chapter Five

Jamie was awakened by his cell phone blaring early Monday morning. Eddie was already awake getting their breakfast started. He glanced at the number and answered, "Yeah, Reagan here."

Jamie listened as his Sergeant informed him of a case they needed his help with. Fortunately, one of Jamie's specialties didn't get much traffic. He worked in both sex crimes and property crimes, 85% of his cases were related to break-ins, robberies and the like. The other 15% were sexual crimes. Given his soft mannerisms and way with kids, he drew the cases involving children. That contributed to the low number but still made his blood boil each and every time.

He got up and quickly put on his color of the day. He greeted Eddie with a smile and kiss, "I don't have time to eat this morning, honey. There's a mom at the house with her daughter, claims she was sexually assaulted by a teacher from her day camp. "

Eddie sighed, "Here…eat this on the run." She handed him a breakfast bar and put his coffee in a travel mug. "Be careful."

Jamie rushed off to work leaving Eddie to wake the kids and get them ready for their day. Today was supposed to be a dancing school day for Lila, she would have to tell her that she wasn't going to go. She would keep Lila with her while Joey was at camp. Her stomach turned, the child Jamie was going to interview was assaulted at camp. That was supposed to be safe place to leave your children.

Joey appeared first and sat in his seat for breakfast. Eddie got Lila up and sent her to do her morning toilette as she served a meal of oatmeal, strawberries and apples. She added a little bit of brown sugar to the oatmeal as a treat. "Mommy, what dance do I do today?" Lila asked. She had been taking ballet and tap.

"Oh, honey," Eddie sighed. "You aren't going to be able to go back there. Daddy and Mommy want to find you a nicer school."

"You mean a school that didn't kick her out for taking her shirt off," Joey piped up and earned himself a stern glare from his mother. "You mind your tongue Joseph Patrick!"

Lila sniffled, "Do I really not go back?" Eddie picked her up and held her tight in spite of her sore arm. "Mommy and Daddy didn't like how they talked to you at the school. We are going this weekend to find you another school. For today, you will be at home with Mommy. You can be my special helper."

Eddie wished Jamie was home. When Lila cried, as she was doing now, he had a unique way with her. She was her Daddy's baby for sure. Eddie whispered in her ear, "We can go get your nails painted pink."

"Mom, can we have nuggets after I get out of camp? I get out by two today."

Eddie agreed to a trip to McDonald's with the stipulation that Joey be nice to his little sister and help her play in the Play Place. He agreed knowing his mother would surely scold him with more than a stern look if he disobeyed.

When Jamie arrived at the precinct, he was introduced to Michelle Anderson and her daughter Harper. Harper was not much bigger than a minute, he thought to himself. Jamie first spoke to Michelle. She described finding stains on her daughter's panties after the male swimming teacher had driven the child home against the protocol of the camp. Jamie then went to talk to little Harper. He took a prop doll and some paper and crayons with him. "Hi Harper I'm Detective Reagan, but you can call me Detective Jamie if you want. This is my shield. Why don't you hold onto that that for me while we have a little talk, is that okay?"

She nodded and took his shield from him, holding it and fingering the numbers on it. "Do you know why you are here, Harper?"

She nodded, "Cause he did bad things."

"What kind of bad things? Can you show me here on this baby doll?"

Jamie felt sick as she showed him the places and ways she's been touched. He had her draw a picture of what she remembered in the car. He felt his Reagan temper flare and the instinct to scoop this little girl up into his arms and keep her safe from the horrors of the world, just like he would do for his precious baby girl. The interview took a little over two hours.

Jamie walked Harper out of the interview room holding her little hand, "There's your Mommy." Harper ran to her mother. "She was such a good girl," Jamie told her Mom. "We will get this guy, but Harper will have to come back and ID him."

After they left Jamie turned to his partner, "Let's go swimming." He grabbed his keys and headed to the camp to bring in the swimming coach for questioning.

It was very late before Jamie got home that night. When he did come in, he was tired and sick to his stomach. Eddie was reading on the sofa, Jamie's dinner in the microwave waiting for him. "Hey, long day huh?"

Jamie nodded, "Oh yeah. Come here…" He opened his arms and Eddie stepped into them. She knew what it cost him to work these child abuse cases, she also knew he got more out of the little ones than even the psychologists did at times.

"Oh you feel so good," he sighed holding on tight. "Let's talk while I eat?"

Eddie heated his plate and got him two fingers of whiskey. "Bad?"

Jamie nodded, "She was so good. Usually the kids are super freaked but not this time. She wasn't so good she looked coached, but she was well behaved and she listened. Only thing is the suspect coughed up his DNA like it was a chicken bone so he's either stupid, arrogant, or innocent."

Eddie sat with one leg folded under her body. "Well, I know you Jamie. You will get to the bottom of this. Does this mean the undercover this is off the table?

Jamie shook his head, "No, that's separate and I should clear this case before the assignment starts. I don't have to give him an answer until Wednesday so can we talk about it tomorrow night? I just want to kiss my kids and have some time with you."

Eddie smiled at him, "Of course we can talk about it another night. Oh, are you still off on Wednesday?"

"Uh, probably have to work a little bit now, why?" Jamie asked as he cleared up his dish and whiskey glass.

"Oh, I uh…I promised Linda I'd meet her for lunch and I was hoping you could be here with Lila. It's okay, I'll reschedule."

"No, no. If I'm not home I'm sure Dad will watch her. Go to your lunch, I know you two have a good time."

Eddie thanked him and went to turn down their bed. She saw Jamie disappear into Lila's room and knew that he was thinking of the little girl from earlier. As he watched their baby sleep Eddie appeared at his back and slid her arms around him. "She's safe and sound, so is Joey…You see to that every day you put on your gun and shield. I love you so much."

Jamie smiled. Eddie always knew what to say at the end of a long hard day. She understood the job and she understood him. She took him by the hand and led him to their bed. They lay together, kissing gently, talking softly until the fell asleep with Jamie wondering what he would do without Eddie by his side.

A few miles away, Danny and Linda were getting ready for bed. Since dinner last night, Linda had been worrying about something. "What's on your mind Babe?" Danny asked.

"I can't tell you," she replied. "I promised."

That really got Danny's attention. "I thought we didn't have secrets from each other Linda. Especially since I'm not on the street anymore."

"This is not that kind of secret, it's a work type of secret. I'm sorry Danny, I promised her I wouldn't tell anyone."

Danny stopped pushing, he already knew. "So what's wrong with Eddie?"

Linda had to hand it to him, even though he was off the streets for five years he was the best detective she'd ever seen. "Danny, you can't tell Jamie. She doesn't want him to know."

"He's her husband, you can't ask me to lie to my brother, Linda."

"I won't break my word to Eddie," Linda said firmly. "She doesn't want Jamie to worry on the job unnecessarily."

Danny had to respect that, "If it is something, don't let her hide it from him."

"If it is something she won't hide it from him."

That satisfied Danny for the moment. As he went to bed he said a prayer that all would be okay for his brother's family, especially since he needed his younger brother's talent to help break his case.

Jamie spent the entire next day running down leads in Harper's case. DNA came back and did not match the swimming coach. They were back to square one. Jamie worked with Harper trying to get her to ID a smell, a sound, anything he could think of to help ID the attacker.

He wasn't in the mood to talk that night about the undercover assignment, but he had to give Danny an answer. When they first married, Jamie and Eddie promised that all major decisions would be mutual and they had never gone back on the promise.

Jamie spent a lot of time with Lila and Joey that night. He read them their bedtime stories and tucked them into bed holding Lila a little closer and a little tighter.

Eddie had a beer waiting when he finished. "So what are your thoughts?" Eddie asked.

"I'm interested in it. It's better than dealing with kids that got raped. I get to help my old man out."

"Jamie, I want you to remember our first anniversary. Where did we spend it?"

Jamie thought back, "St. Vic…Eddie, it won't be like that."

 **Nine Years Earlier**

 **Eddie was coming off her tour when she spotted Frank Reagan's detail outside the 12** **th** **precinct. Her stomach automatically knotted. Jamie had been working undercover at a Sporting Goods store that was a front for a drug operation. If his cover had been blown he might be dead.**

 **She went inside the house with her heart in her throat. As soon as she saw the look on Frank's face she knew it was bad. "He's dead isn't he?" she asked. "They found him out…he's gone isn't he?"**

" **Yes, but not how you think. He's missing, we lost contact with him about 1830. When the backup team went in, the found the tape and Jamie's Sports World uniform with blood on it."**

" **Jamie's blood?"**

 **Frank nodded, "Danny's on it with Baez, no cop will be going home tonight unless Jamie does. I promise we are going to find him honey."**

 **Eddie started to shake and cry. Not her Jamie. Frank wrapped her in a fatherly embrace. "Come to my office, it's the command center for the entire operation. We'll know everything first hand."**

 **They sat in his office for two days. Eddie couldn't sleep, she didn't want to eat. The longer Jamie was missing and wounded the worse it was. Finally, just after midnight on the third day, Danny and his team of detectives stormed an old warehouse near the Brooklyn Battery Tunnel finding boxes of drugs and Jamie's prone body lying in a pool of blood.**

 **Danny ran to his little brother, he was pale as a ghost, his breathing terribly raspy, his eyes barely open. He was burning up with fever otherwise Danny knew he's be ice cold. "It's okay, little brother. It's okay, I'm here. I need a bus!"**

 **Jamie heard his brother's voice and opened his eye as much as he could given the beating he'd received. "Danny…if I…Eddie…"**

" **I will take care of Eddie, Jamie but you aren't going anywhere. You're going to be okay."**

Present Day

"You had five broken ribs, a broken shoulder, two bullet holes in your gut and one in your thigh. You were in ICU for a week, so sick with infections you barely could speak. Why would you want to risk yourself like that again?"

Jamie sighed, "To help out a friend of my dad's. To help out my brother. It's a good career opportunity too. A good undercover op as a detective…"

"Jamie, you know I would never stand in the way of your career, I know you are wanting to help your Dad but it is just too dangerous."

"So you don't want me to do this?" Jamie replied. "I promised to talk to you but I honestly never thought you'd say no."

"Jamie, your children need you. I need you. Alive and in one piece."

"Nothing is going to happen this time, Eddie! Damn it, Danny is running this operation. Do you think he'd put me in harm's way?" Jamie was frustrated that Eddie was not being more supportive.

"You don't know that, Jamie. You can't know that. Any one of us at any given time can die. I could die tomorrow, we never know that. Life is unpredictable enough without inviting it in!"

"This is for my father's friend. If I say no to this, Danny will…"

Eddie got frustrated with his stubbornness. She stood up, "Come here, Jamie." She took him by the hand and led him to the bedroom where Joey slept. "He needs you, Jamie. Who is going to show him how to be a good man if you get killed? Danny? I love your brother but he is not the kind of man or the kind of cop I want my little boy to grow up to be. He needs you, if you don't care about me, okay but that is your son."

Her voice broke as she said those words. Jamie wasn't even listening to her. "Eddie, is that…I care about you. I love you so much. I just want to help my family, that's all."

"I know you do, and it is a good opportunity but Jamie…I am asking you to please not do this. Help another way. Advance your career another way." She started to pace, if she was sick and Jamie got killed her babies would be left without parents. They had family but it wouldn't be their parents. "Jamie, the power to say yes or no to this is yours, this is not a power struggle between you and me, though I know Danny will paint it that way. This is me, begging you, to do the right thing for this little branch of the Reagan family. Look at your son when you call your brother to say yes to this nonsense. If you can do that you are not who I thought you were."

Eddie left him standing there. She shut their bedroom door. After a few minutes he could hear her crying. He could hear her praying, she didn't often turn to prayer.

After fifteen minutes, he opened the door. She was lying on her back on their bed. "Okay…I understand. Tomorrow morning, I'm going to tell Danny no. You are right, you and the children have to be more important. You are more important. Come here." He reached out but she didn't get up.

"You come here, I'm too tired."

Jamie closed the gap and laid down beside Eddie on the bed. "I'm sorry I made you cry. I still want to impress him, he's my big brother. You know?"

"Then get this piece of garbage that raped that little girl, keep going after these sex offenders and armed robbers, make this place safer for our family. That's pretty impressive."

Jamie kissed Eddie's brow and agreed that it was. "Go get undressed and I'll rub that cream in your arm."

"I don't think I need it, " Eddie replied. "The swelling is nearly gone and it doesn't hurt. I need you in another way tonight, Jamie. Please?"

He smiled, and slowly began to take care of his wife's needs. They made love into the wee hours of the morning and fell asleep holding each other close. Eddie's sleep was fitful, she wasn't looking forward to having a mammogram.

In the morning, Jamie called his partner to work from the house so Eddie could go to her "lunch" with Linda. They were technically off because it was their Saturday to work but Jamie didn't want to leave Harper's case any longer than he had to leave it.

Eddie was about to leave when Jamie's partner arrived. "Hey Gordo, keep them in line for me okay?" "You got it Janko…" She'd ridden with Gordon Powell for six months before she he was promoted to detective.

*************************************************************************************Eddie drove to St. Victor's hospital and checked in. She felt like she was going to throw up. The pain had gone, the swelling had gone. She really didn't need to be there. Did she? She signed in and waited. Linda would be there when they called her in to help her through this. She waited a half hour.

"Edit Reagan," the tech finally called. "Your sister in law is in the room waiting. You can go on back."

Linda gave Eddie a hug as soon as she saw her, "You ready?"

"Do I have a choice?" she asked. "I came this far. I hate doctors."

Linda nodded, "It'll be a little discomfort for a lot of peace of mind. Put on the gown and I'll stay with you until it's over."

Eddie offered a grateful smile as she disrobed and waited for the technician to perform the test.

Next in Tough: Jamie tells Danny his decision. Harper's case takes a strange turn. Eddie avoids the results of her test.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer and Notes: I do not own Blue Bloods only Joey and Lila Reagan. I do not own Craig Morgan's song, Tough. I will alternately publish updates to this story and True Blue's sequel "Silver Linings" I look forward to your feedback.**

Chapter Six

Eddie sat with Linda as the radiologist read her mammogram. Her breast was sore from the pressure of the machine. Linda held her hand tight. "At least you will know and can have all the information when you talk to Jamie."

"I don't intend to tell Jamie any of this if there's no reason to do it. He pulled a new rough case and I don't want him distracted."

Linda nodded, "If it is something?"

"Then I'll have to talk to him, I won't lie to him. I'm trying to protect him from worrying over a pulled muscle and some swelling."

"Mrs. Reagan, Dr. Jacobs can see you now," the receptionist said. Linda offered to come back with her and Eddie nodded yes. Hand in hand the two women waited as Eddie's images were put on the screen. "You can see a deep density in the left breast in line with the nipple and encroaching on the arm pit. This absolutely must be looked into more extensively. It could be a cyst or it could be a tumor."

"Cancer?" Eddie asked looking at Linda.

"Not necessarily, some tumors are not cancerous but given the size and the placement of this mass it is concerning. We'd like to get you a biopsy right away."

"Today?" Eddie asked. "Now? I have to get home to my kids. I have things to do."

"The procedure will only take a few hours. You can go home as soon as the medication wears off."

"I'll call Jamie and have him come down…"

"No, no. I will come tomorrow morning. I don't want to worry Jamie. Linda can you watch my kids tomorrow?"

She nodded, "Of course I will, I'll switch my shift now."

Eddie looked at her with grateful eyes, "Thank you so much, I promise if this come back positive I will tell Jamie everything."

Eddie made her appointment for 10 then headed home to Staten Island thinking about what she'd just been told. Jamie was home, she had to get control of herself so her detective husband did not read her face and know she was scared.

"Damn it," Jamie swore slamming his fist down on the table.

Lila's face turned to surprise, "Daddy, you said the D word."

"Daddy is upset, honey," he sighed. "Go and color your book for a little bit. Mommy will be home soon."

Lila nodded and went to color a picture. Jamie and Gordo studied the case file again, "Okay, other males in the home would be a partial DNA match to the little girl. Did the coach say anything when you got the DNA sample? Anything about why he was driving Harper home?"

"Nope, he coughed up the sample then lawyered up. He's hiding something but he's not our guy, not for this."

"Let's run him through NCIC and the sex offender system and see if he pops. If he does we can use it, he's working at a day camp, if he's on the list…" Jamie agreed with the angle and sighed. "Tomorrow we'll pay a visit to the Anderson house. See if there are any males in the home. In hindsight, Mom was just a little too eager to point a finger."

Eddie came in as the conversation wound up. "Hey, you were gone a long time," Jamie observed.

"Yeah, we got to talking and ran into traffic on the Verrazano. Was she okay for you?"

Lila came running out of the bedroom, "Mommy, I was waiting for you!"

Eddie hugged her little girl, "You were? Let's go and pick up you brother then we'll see about dinner. Jamie, are you still working?"

"No, I'm done for the day. I'll get Joey for you. I want to see him throw a few passes before we head home."

Eddie smiled at her husband as he left for Joey's football camp. She started dinner, lasagna, in case she didn't feel up to cooking the next day she could serve the leftover food. Lila helped spread the cheese and the sauce, her stripping seeming to have been resolved by the numerous loads of wash Eddie did.

"That's a good girl," Eddie praised. "Now put the noodles down. Lay them on the sauce."

This was the scene that greeted Jamie when he got home with Joey. "Lasagna!" Joey loved his mother's lasagna even more than his Aunt Linda's. "Yep, how was practice?" Joey started to talk about his day, it was a peaceful family scene.

While Eddie bathed the kids, Jamie called his brother. "Hey, Kid," Danny said knowing why he was calling. "Will you be ready by the first?"

"I can't do it, Danny. It's too much risk, I can't do it this time."

"Jamie, what the Hell! We need your help, for me and for Dad."

"I'm sorry, Danny," Jamie sighed. "I am, but Eddie and I talked about it and my children need their father. I risk my neck enough on the streets, my talent is in working with the kids on these assault cases when they come up. I'm knee deep in one right now and the little one has bonded with me. It's not the right time and it' not the right choice for my family. I'm sorry."

Jamie hated to do this. He knew his brother was counting on him and that he would be hurt by his rejection, but Eddie was right. He didn't do well in undercover operations, lack of a poker face.

"I guess that's it then. Can't say I'm not upset, I really thought you'd make another choice."

"Five years ago, maybe but the look on my wife's face when she remembered my last operation going south…I made her cry wanting to do this Danny. Eddie doesn't cry easily."

"So she made your choice for you?" Danny sighed. "What was your choice, Jamie?"

"It was my choice, Danny. Eddie and I talked, she stated her position and she made it clear the decision was mine alone. This is my choice, I love you and I love Dad but my children are more important. You know that, you have your own boys. You worry sick daily over Jack being on patrol."

"Still can't say I'm not disappointed, Jamie. I'll see you Sunday, okay?"

"See you Sunday." Jamie hung up and put his head in his hands. He knew this choice would hurt his brother. Eddie sat down beside him, "Did he give you a hard time?"

"Not really, he's disappointed is all." Jamie sat back, "The more I think on it though the moreI know it's the right choice. My children need me, you need me…" He reached up to cup her face. "And I need you, Eddie. You are my rock, my touchstone. I could never handle everything I have to do out there without you here, especially not a case like Harper's."

Eddie tested the waters, "You might be you know? One day without me…we never know what's around the corner."

Jamie sat up straighter, "Where did that come from?"

"Just the facts of life, Jamie. God could call any one of us at any given time. Look at Pop, sitting at the Sunday dinner table one day and gone in his bed the next morning."

Jamie pulled her onto his lap, "Well, Pop was 93. That's not going to happen here. That's one reason you left the job so you wouldn't risk leaving the kids without a mother."

Eddie laid her head on his chest, she badly wanted to share this with her husband, her best friend, but she was too scared to burden him with her worries. He watched his mother die a long slow death from cancer, the word still put the fear of God in him.

Eddie took a long deep breath, inhaling Jamie's comforting scent. "I'm really tired tonight honey. Can we go to bed?"

Jamie nodded, "Yeah, we can. I need to be up early anyway. We're going to toss the Anderson house, Gordo and I have a hunch we'll find that missing link inside that place. Mom was too eager to point fingers, she wants justice for her daughter but she's protecting someone."

Neither Jamie nor Eddie got much sleep. His mind was racing about the case and Eddie's was racing about her tests. Jamie got up at seven, Eddie was just getting out of bed herself. "Is toast and jam okay? I over slept."

"Don't worry about it, just coffee. I'll eat at work."

Eddie started his coffee so it was ready when he left. "Good luck and Jamie…you can't save them all. Remember that."

He offered a weak smile and nodded before heading out the door.

Jamie and Gordo knocked on the Anderson family's door at 9:30 am. They had with them a warrant for the DNA of each male in the house. They were met with an indignant and angry Michelle who proclaimed no males to live in the home. "Then you won't mind if we look around."

Gordo and Jamie combed the entire house and in the attic room found it set up as if a teen boy lived there. "Whose room is this?" Jamie asked removing a hairbrush and toothbrush.

"My son, but he's only twelve. He likes to be up here to have his privacy but…"

Jamie sighed, a brother was a first degree relative. It would have popped against Harper's samples. Still he'd have the lab run it on the chance Michelle was lying again. She'd lied about the swimming coach, he couldn't trust her word now. "We'll put it on file and be in touch in a few days," Jamie told her. "How are you doing Harper?"

"Okay, Detective Jamie" she replied. "Doesn't hurt anymore."

He smiled, "Well that is very good news. How about a high five for me?" She gave him one. "How about one for my partner?" Harper would not bestow this gesture on Gordo, she only trusted Jamie.

"What is it with you and kids?" Gordo asked as they drove to the camp to ask more questions. "They love you to death."

"I grew up around kids, I was only 18 when Jack was born so I just have a way with them, that's unfortunately why we pull these cases so often, the department notices it too."

"Lucky us," Gordo replied. "Let's get a meal before we go into the camp. I'm starved." Jamie laughed, in that respect Gordo was just like Eddie.

Across town, Eddie had just arrived for her biopsy appointment. Linda had decided to go with her and asked Frank to mind Lila and pick Joey up at football camp. They cited Jamie's upcoming birthday as the excuse, Frank was only too happy to mind his grandchildren. He took Lila to football camp and together they ate hot dogs and watched Joey play.

As she lay on the table, Eddie wished she was anywhere but where she was. "I can't go under general, I have to be coherent when Jamie gets home."

"I know, we already told the doctor. He's going to numb the area with medication then make the cut," Linda assured her. "I'm going to scrub in, I'll be right by your side."

Eddie nodded, lying back on the gurney as the doctor came in. The procedure was fast but rather unpleasant. The doctor removed a portion of the tumor and cut into one lymph node for a sample. It left a wound about a half inch long and over an inch deep.

Even with the local she'd received Eddie was hurting badly. "How am I going to convince Jamie I'm okay? What am I going to tell him about this cut?"

"You need to tell him the truth Eddie, please tell him the truth," Linda begged.

"I can't. Not until I know for sure one way or another I can't tell him. Help me figure this out, what can cause a cut like that?"

"Don't tell him anything, we'll cover it up with a bandage, and you tell him you're feeling sick. In a few days you can tell him the truth, if you refuse to do it now. You look horrible anyway, so he'll believe you aren't up to snuff."

Linda drove Eddie home, but Jamie still wasn't there. He'd left her a text saying he'd be later than usual, he was working on Harper's case. By the time Eddie got into the house she was ready for bed. Her arm ached and she was so tired. She called her father in law and asked if he's bring the kids home and stay until Jamie got there. Frank immediately agreed.

When he arrived he told both children to be quiet and immediately go to their rooms to play until he heated dinner. He poked his head into the bedroom, "Do you need anything sweetheart?"

Eddie shook her head, "No, it's a bad migraine and my stomach is a little bumpy. I just need to rest."

Frank made her a cool cloth for her head, "You lie still, don't worry about your kids. If you need me, just call out."

Eddie nodded once and laid still as she could. The pain was blinding and made her vomit twice. As the clock ticked on and Jamie still had not appeared Frank called his youngest boy. "Jamie, where are you son?"

"On my way home, Dad. I got a lead at the last minute. Harper Anderson is adopted, that's why the DNA didn't pop as a partial match. We got a match from the brother's hairbrush and the samples on Harper's panties. We are going to bring the kid in tomorrow and the mom. Where are you?"

"At your place, I just put Joey to bed but Lila is having a hard time."

"Where's Eddie?"

"She's been in bed since she got home today, a bad headache. There's nothing I can do for her, anything I try she says no or it makes her throw up."

Jamie hung up the phone and sped up the car. This was not like his wife at all. He was in the door five minutes later.

"Eddie!" he called out but was derailed by a crying Lila. "It's okay pumpkin, Daddy's here. Daddy's' going to fix Mommy, don't you cry." Lila, like Jamie, was unaccustomed to Eddie not feeling well. "Sit on Grandpa's lap and he'll sing you your song while I check on Mommy."

Jamie hurried to the bedroom as his father softly started to sing "Goodnight Sweetheart" to Lila. "Eddie?" he kept his voice very soft and low. "Sweetheart are you awake?"

"Jamie?" Her voice was weak as she tried to sit up. She was pale and sweaty.

"I'm home, why didn't you call me?" he asked sitting on the bed.

"You were working on Harper's case. She needs you to get her attacker more than I need a nursemaid. Your dad helped."

"I know he did, he's putting Lila to bed now. What do you need?"

She shook her head slightly, "Nothing, just to be still. When you are done with the children come to bed, you are tired. I'm fine, I'm going to be fine." Maybe if she said it out loud she'd believe it to be true.

Jamie nodded his head, "Lie still. I'll get you more ice after I check on the kids." He kissed her forehead and went back out to talk to his father.

"She's out," Frank announced handing the sleeping girl to her father. "How's the patient?"

"She's going to be okay, she has these every now and then, she rests then she is fine by morning." Jamie sat down with Lila and held her. "This case Dad, it keeps turning. I have a positive match from the brother to the panties but that doesn't explain why the coach drove the girl home. That is the one piece that doesn't fit."

Frank sighed, "The piece is there, just move the puzzle around until you find where it goes. Patience is your virtue, use it."

Frank left a few minutes later. Jamie put his daughter in her bed and laid down beside his wife. He pulled Eddie close and held her tight, trying to help her feel better.

When he woke in the morning the bacon was cooking and the coffee already in his cup. He'd been right, she did feel better after a good night's sleep. He shared the meal with his family before heading out leaving Eddie to run her daily errands with a promise of see you tonight.

While Eddie drove from the YMCA, to the store, to the bank, her cell phone rang. The doctor…she let it go to voicemail. He called three times that day and each time she let it go to voicemail, deleting each message without listening to it. This wasn't anything, it was just a lump, a harmless lump…and no test was going to say otherwise.

Next in Tough: Danny and Jamie argue at Sunday dinner. Eddie's secret comes out.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer and Notes: I do not own Blue Bloods only Joey and Lila Reagan. I do not own Craig Morgan's song, Tough. I will alternately publish updates to this story and True Blue's sequel "Silver Linings" I look forward to your feedback.**

 **Please leave a review or send a pm if you are reading. I want to make sure folks are still interested and since the traffic counter is broken, reviews are the only way I can tell.**

Chapter Seven

They had pizza for dinner that Friday night. Eddie's incision was still oozing and was incredibly painful. She felt tired, sick, and not at all like doing much of anything.

Jamie had gone in early and was still not home at 7 that night. She knew he was going to press Harper's adoptive brother and mother that day and it could take a while. She kept his dinner warm and put both of their children on the couch, one on each side. "Mommy, are you okay?" Joey asked. He knew his mom had energy and drive and today she was very quiet and didn't seem like herself.

"Yeah, baby, I'm okay. Daddy is working a hard case about a little girl that got hurt and I just want to sit and hug my own little ones close to me tonight."

Joey smiled, "Daddy helps little girls that get hurt. He's a hero."

Eddie smiled, "Yes, your Daddy is a hero. You are so much like him. I'm so proud of you Joey, both of you." Eddie hugged both of her kids. "Let me make some popcorn and we'll watch TV. If Daddy comes home, I have get his pizza heated up."

Eddie killed the lights and started a very old film, "Bringing Up Baby."

At the precinct, Jamie was getting irritated. "I don't need a confession from your son Ms. Anderson. I have Harper's panties with your son's DNA all over them! I have pictures of Harper's thigh with handprints on them that match the same size and shape of your son's hand."

Michelle Anderson's eyes shot open, "Oh yeah, you didn't know we had the ultraviolet camera. There are bruises and bumps all over this child. If your son talks, he's only twelve years old…we can get him the help he needs."

"But he'll be on the sex offender list for life."

They kept running into the wall over and over again. The swimming coach was on the list, Gordo was arresting him as they spoke for violating his parole and changing his name.

"My son didn't do it, that animal did!" Michelle snapped. "I am not answering any more questions without a lawyer."

Jamie tossed his coffee cup into the bin as he left the box. "Lawyered up! Damn it! I get she's trying to protect her kid and that there was a perfectly good bad guy to pin this on but…"

"Go home, Jamie. Go see your wife. Go see your kids. CPS pulled Harper from the house so she's safe. Let it rest and start fresh on Monday."

Jamie knew his partner was right. "I'll see you 8 am sharp on Monday, Gordo. Thanks, man."

Jamie drove home picking up a bottle of wine for Eddie and him to share. The kids would be in bed long ago. The entire house was dark when Jamie pulled into the driveway. He let himself in and found a most endearing sight. Eddie, holding each of their children, all three sound asleep on the sofa. The word Sony traveling across the screen, indicating a movie long over.

Gently Jamie extricated Lila from Eddie's arms and put her into her bed being sure to tuck her in and kiss her head before going to get Joey. Neither child woke as they were moved to their beds.

Finally Jamie stooped and lifted his wife into his arms. Eddie made a muffled noise, "Joey! Lila!"

"Ssh, it's me. It's me, they kids are already in their beds." Jamie kissed her brow. Eddie sighed into his chest and let him carry her to bed. When he started to undress her, she stopped him. "Not tonight," Eddie said. "I'm tired and so are you honey."

Jamie nodded, "I really need you tonight Eddie."

"I'm sorry, Jamie. I just…I can't. I'm not feeling very well."

Jamie sat down on the bed with her, "Your head still? Maybe you're coming down with something?"

Eddie sighed, "Maybe. I'm so sorry Jamie…" She didn't like to say no to him when he wanted to make love. He never denied her when she told him she needed him. "Can we just hold each other?"

He smiled, "Sounds like a plan. Let me shower and I'll join you." He kissed her lips softly so she knew there were no hard feelings.

Jamie slid into bed ten minutes later and pulled Eddie close. "Do you want your dinner? It's in the…"

He cut her off. "I don't want to eat, I just want to be with you."

"Is it that bad?" she asked studying his worry lines.

"I can't figure it out yet that's all. It's always harder when it's kids. Always."

Eddie nodded, "And you feel so deeply Jamie. When you first started doing this work, I was so scared. I didn't think you could handle it. I thought it would slowly destroy you." Eddie kissed him twice. "But it didn't. It made you stronger and it made you better. You love so much, I know with you in their lives our kids will always be okay. Joey told me tonight you are a hero…you're my hero Jamison Reagan."

Tears ran down Eddie's face as she said this. "Hey, where is all this coming from, sweetheart?" Eddie had been acting a little odd the past few days and it was starting to bother him.

"This case you are working, seeing what a terrific dad you are…I just…I'm feeling a little emotional, baby that's all."

"The last time you felt like this we were having Lila," Jamie smiled. "Is there a chance?"

Eddie shook her head, "No, no chance. I wish too…Jamie. I wish it too. You heard the doctor when she came, there's no way…"

Jamie put his forehead to hers, "Let's get some sleep. Tomorrow we can have a pajama day, just the four of us, get relaxed for Sunday.

That's exactly what they did. No one woke up until after 8. Jamie fixed breakfast, French toast and sausage then sat with his children and wife watching TV and movies. Eddie was content to do this, she stayed close to Jamie that day. She wasn't feeling any better after her biopsy, the ache in her arm was traveling to her shoulder, her breast bone and even her head. She made a note to mention this to Linda in the morning.

By nine that night Jamie noticed his wife was just not herself. "Eddie, you are getting sick. I think you need to stay home from dinner and get some rest."

"I can't, it's my week but I'll take it easy after okay?" She smiled at him. "If I don't feel better I'll see the doctor on Monday."

Jamie didn't argue be he wasn't satisfied either. He would be on hand to help with the dinner and make sure Eddie didn't overdo it.

Eddie felt better the next morning, she was still achy but felt more like herself. After church she got to work on the roast for the family dinner. As soon as Linda saw her she pulled her to the side, "Well, what did the doctor say?"

"He called but I didn't call him back yet, I'm scared. I need to tell Jamie first. I'm going to tell him tonight. I asked Frank to have the kids for the night. Then I'll find out…" Eddie stopped midsentence feeling dizzy.

Erin helped to catch her, "Sit down, I'll get Jamie."

"No, no…not yet. I'm going to talk to Jamie tonight. I think that spot is infected a little that's all. Tomorrow I'll get some medicine."

Erin's DA brow knitted, "What's going on?" She sat down facing her youngest sister in law. Eddie relayed the entire story including her choice to keep it quiet until she knew for sure. "The look on his face when he heard about Maria Baez's sister, and that was Danny's old partner's sister that died, he looked like he'd been to hell and back. I didn't want to put him through it for nothing but now…I'm so scared Erin, I need him." Eddie began to cry and covered her face with both hands. "I need him to hold my hand."

Erin leaned over to hug Eddie, "It's all right. Jamie will understand, but you are right. You do have to tell him tonight, he has a right to know what's happening." She stroked a piece of hair off Eddie's forehead. "You are on fire, Linda, she's burning hot."

"I just need a little fresh air, I'll be fine." Eddie stood and walked outside for a few minutes of good old Brooklyn air.

"If she doesn't tell him tonight, one of us has to. She's sick, even if not from cancer, Heaven forbid, that biopsy site is infected," Erin fussed.

"I know, and trust me, if that site is infected, she won't be able to hide much longer. If she doesn't tell Jamie tonight, tomorrow morning, we'll both tell him."

Erin nodded in agreement and hoped that Eddie would keep her promise and tell her little brother the truth.

It was tense amongst the men in the family that afternoon. Danny was still upset at Jamie for saying no to the undercover operation.

"I still think you are the best man for this job, Jamie. And you know I don't say those things lightly."

"I do, Danny, but Eddie had a point. The last three ops I did went south. I barely survived the last one. I nearly bled to death in your arms and it is a little crazy for you to be asking me after that."

"That was nine years ago, we have better surveillance. Better technology. You won't be on the hook, I promise you."

"I've already given you my answer, Danny and I am sorry," Jamie said firmly.

"You mean Eddie's told you the answer that she wanted," Danny countered.

"Danny, watch what you say," Jamie warned.

"All I am saying is that when it came to the job, I heard Linda's opinion but that was that. She didn't interfere in my work, at least not when it came to what jobs I did."

Jamie sighed and drank his whiskey down, "What about you Dad? Did mom ever ask you not to do an operation or something on the job?"

Frank nodded, "Yes, and once or twice I listened and once or twice I didn't listen. She always respected my choices as I know Eddie does for you."

"Dad, he's throwing away a great opportunity to advance even more…." Danny argued.

"Danny, it's no. I'm sorry. My marriage to Eddie is about sharing, respect, and being partners in every sense of the word including choices about dangerous operations that might end up leaving my wife a widow and my children fatherless. We share everything, that's how we run our marriage."

"You sure that's a two way street?" Danny asked his temper rising and getting the better of him.

"What the Hell does that mean?" Jamie asked defensively.

"It means you aren't exactly keeping tabs on your house if you think everything is out in the open because it's not."

Jamie's face registered his shock. "Yeah, that's right. You're missing it big time little brother and she isn't sharing. So, before you preach to me about how you run your marriage I'd clean my own house."

"What are you accusing Eddie of?" Jamie asked. "You better think carefully about your answer."

"Okay, boys that I enough," Frank broke in. "Danny, if Eddie is keeping something from Jamie, it's between her and Jamie. As a matter of fact, she's asked me to watch the kids overnight so she's probably going to talk to him about whatever it is. Jamie, I understand you choice. It's not necessarily the one I'd have made but I respect you for it and I know Danny does too. Let's wash up and get ready to eat this delicious…"

"Dinner!" Eddie announced from the doorway of the dining room. The air had done nothing to erase the flush in her cheeks or the perspiration on her lip. Danny's eyes went right to it, so did Jamie's. "She's not feeling well," he replied. "I wanted her to stay in bed."

Danny nodded and clapped his younger brother on the back. He didn't know the entire story but he suspected that the younger man was going to need that moral support in the next few days if not sooner.

Linda offered the prayer and the meal was soon underway. Nikki's baby daughter entertained the group with her little gurlges and coos. "Are there any more rolls?" Jack asked. He worked every other Sunday on the beat but when he was here he loved the rolls.

"Sure are Jack, I'll get them," Eddie replied moving to stand up and retrieve the desire food item. She took only two steps before the dizziness she'd fought all day caught up to her. She tried to grab onto Frank for support but missed him entirely before falling to the floor in an unceremonious heap.

"EDDIE!" Jamie shot out of his chair, the children's cries of "Mommy!" not registering. He knelt by his wife's prone form, "Eddie, can you hear me…" He brushed back her hair and felt the heat radiating off her body.

"She's burning up…" He looked up at Linda for help.

"I'm sorry Jamie," she said knowing he was going to be angry when he learned what was going on. Jamie didn't understand, he was too focused on his wife to think about it. He could hear Danny on the telephone calling a bus. He could hear Erin and Nikki soothing his children. "Eddie, please…open your eyes. I'm here honey, open your eyes…"

Linda had ordered Jack to get ice from the kitchen. She wrapped the cubes in clothes and laid them on Eddie's head. Then she ripped open her blouse and revealed to Jamie what Eddie had kept so well hidden. He biopsy site was inflamed, red, and oozing. The skin was red as well and the arm and shoulder now swollen. "Oh dear God, what happened to her?"

Linda was nearly in tears but there was no time for an explanation. The EMT crew had arrived to rush Eddie to the nearest hospital. There was no way they were taking her anywhere without Jamie.

Next in Tough: Jamie is angry when he learns he'd been kept in the dark. Eddie's decision not to tell Jamie has an unexpected supporter. Eddie and Jamie hear the results of the biopsy.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer and Notes: I do not own Blue Bloods only Joey and Lila Reagan. I do not own Craig Morgan's song, Tough. I will alternately publish updates to this story and True Blue's sequel "Silver Linings" I look forward to your feedback.**

Chapter Eight

As Jamie rode in the back of the ambulance with Eddie, Frank wrangled the rest of the family. "I'll take the children with me," Frank instructed. "Erin you ride with us. Jack go over with your parents, but stop at the house before you go and get bags for Jamie, Eddie, and both kids.

When the chips were down like this, they entire family still marched to Frank's tune. "Nikki, you stay here with the little one. When Collin gets here after work and if you think it is safe for the baby you can come down. Erin, let's go, I don't want Jamie there alone."

The family went to carry out their chores as Frank sped to the hospital all the while missing his police siren. When he parked the car he held Joey's hand and Erin carried Lila on her hip. Both kids were scared stiff at seeing their mother collapsed on the floor without any word at all from their father.

Jamie was in the ER waiting room pacing when Frank and Erin came in. Lila squirmed to get down and run to her father so Erin let her go hoping the child would get some reaction out of Jamie. "Daddy!" She had both her arms up. Jamie scooped her and hugged her tight then set her down, "Go to Auntie Erin, sweetie."

He wasn't able to be a father now, he had nothing to even tell his children.

Frank approached his youngest boy, "What do you know?"

"Nothing in the ambulance they said her blood pressure was dangerously low and she had a 103 degree fever. They said that wound she had on her arm was an infected surgical wound. Eddie hasn't had surgery since Lila was born. I don't understand."

Erin took a deep breath, by her stance and her mannerisms, Jamie knew that she had some information. "What do you know? What do you know that you have been keeping from me?"

"I only found out today when Eddie had a dizzy spell. Linda knows more than I do, but I promise you, no one kept you in the dark to be mean or malicious. It was how Eddie wanted it and she had her reasons and I for one understand…"

Jamie stopped her, "You understand? You can't understand, Erin! You can't possibly know. I have no idea why my wife, the mother of those children, is lying in a hospital bed unconscious. How the Hell would you feel?"

"I'm sorry, Jamie, but when you talk to Eddie I think you'll understand even if you don't agree."

Before Jamie could reply the doors opened and Sean came out. He was a medical student doing his ER rotation at St. John's hospital where the ambulance had rushed Eddie. "Uncle Jamie." He approached him and gave him a man hug.

"What do you know Sean?" Jamie asked.

"All I know right now is she is still really out of it. She opened her eyes for a few minutes but went right out again. We are starting her on fluids to try to get her pressure up and her fever down. We have under cooling blankets and as soon as we know what kind of infection she has, we'll start her on the antibiotics."

Jamie sighed, "But she's going to be okay?"

"Uncle Jamie, let's sit." Sean could tell from the type of cut and the location along with the notes in Eddie's file what kind of procedure she had. "She's very sick, Uncle Jamie. When Aunt Eddie wakes up I'm sure she'll talk to you all about it, but for now this infection has gotten a good hold on her. She was already run down. "

"Sean, the medics said she had some kind of surgery. That can't be if she had surgery…"

"I can't really talk about that, we're only treating her for the systemic infection here in the ER."

Jamie was frustrated but at least he knew what they were dealing with in the moment, "When can I see her? I want to be with her when she wakes up?"

"As soon as she's back from her tests you can see her in her exam room. Two people only and we can't let the kids back I'm afraid."

"Thanks for looking out for her Sean," Jamie replied as he saw Danny and Linda approaching. Jack was parking the car. Danny went to his younger brother, "How you holding up?"

"No one knows much. Sean said she's got some infection but the EMTs said that she had the wound from some type of surgery." His eyes fixed on Linda, "What do you know about this? What do you know that you haven't told me?

"Jamie, I'm sorry. It's what Eddie wanted."

"I don't care right now about why, I care about what. What in the Hell have you been keeping from me?"

Linda was close to tears, "She was afraid of how you'd handle it, we still don't really know for sure. The lump she had on her breast, that she thought was from an injury, it wasn't, not entirely. I convinced her to go get it checked last Sunday. Last Wednesday, I took Eddie for a mammogram that showed an abnormality. They did a surgical biopsy on Thursday with just a local anesthetic. I guess she didn't

clean the dressing enough or change it enough and now it's infected. She didn't want you to know, she knows how you feel about cancer. She didn't want you to know until she was sure one way or another."

Jamie felt like he'd been shot in the chest. He stepped back looking at Linda like he barely knew her.

Jamie stormed out of the hospital overwhelmed by the news he'd just received. In the last hour he'd seen his usually strong wife lying on the ground unconscious and been told she'd lied to him for over a week about a potentially fatal disease. He sat down on the sidewalk and covered his face with his hands.

"Here you go kid," Danny said as he walked up to his brother. "It's hot at least. Listen, I'm not defending what Linda did or Eddie, but let's face it Jamie, neither one of us handles these kinds of things well. After what we went through with Mom, I know the word cancer scares the life out of me."

"If she's got it, she's got it, Danny and I have to take care of her and get her through it. They lied, your wife and mine, they lied to us." Jamie looked up at Danny, "They did lie to us, didn't they? Please don't tell me you knew."

"No, I didn't' know the scope of it. I knew Linda was keeping a secret for Eddie and that is was medical and that was it. For all I knew she got pregnant and was scared to tell you because the doctor said she shouldn't have another baby after what happened with Lila." Danny sat on the curb beside his brother, "I'm sure when Eddie feels better you two can talk about it and it'll all work out."

"I'm so angry with her Danny, but even with that all I want to do is sit by her bed and hold her hand. She's going to be so scared if I'm not there when she opens her eyes." Jamie played with the coffee cup in his hand but didn't drink it.

"Right now you can't be with her, Jamie. Right now the doctors have to be with her to help her," Danny comforted.

"I'm her husband, Danny. I want to go and be her husband. In sickness and in health right?" Jamie was close to tears, the fear was choking him.

"Well, right now you can't be a husband, but I'll tell you what you can be. You can get off your butt, get a grip, go inside and be a father because those kids are scared to death and have not heard word one from their dad."

Jamie hadn't really thought about his children and suddenly felt like a heel. He got up and wiped his face. "Thanks, Danny."

Jamie went back into the hospital and saw both his kids clinging to their grandpa. Slowly Jamie approached them and dropped down to his knees stretching out both arms. Frank let the kids run to their dad for much needed parental support. "Let's take a walk okay?" He picked Lila up and held Joey's hand walking them to a quiet area in the waiting room. With Joey by his side and Lila on his lap Jamie took a deep breath and started to talk. "I'm sorry guys. I've been very worried about your Mommy. Sean is inside with Mommy now and he says that she's really sick. She has a high fever, like you get sometimes Lila, that's why she fainted at dinner."

"Is Sean going to make Mommy better, Daddy?" Lila asked. "With Tylol and ice pops?"

"Mommy's a little sicker than that, baby, but yes, Sean and his teachers are going to help Mommy get better. She might have to stay here for a few days until she is."

Lila started to cry, "But I want Mommy to come home."

"I know you do, peanut," Jamie soothed. "But until she is better, you and Joey are going to stay with grandpa, won't that be nice?"

Joey hadn't said a word. "Lila, go on back to grandpa for a few minutes. Daddy needs to talk to Joey."

Lila ran to tell her grandpa that her Mommy would be in the hospital and she was going to stay at his house. Jamie took Joey's hand, "Let's walk."

"Talk to me, son," Jamie pressed as the strolled the perimeter of the hospital. "Are you scared?"

Joey nodded, "It's my fault," he told Jamie. "I'm sorry Daddy. I knew Mommy was acting funny but I didn't' tell you." He began to cry then too. It pulled at Jamie's heart to hear his son blame himself for his mother's illness.

"Oh, Joey." Jamie held his son in his arms. "It's not your fault little man. I know I tell you look after your Mom, but you couldn't do anything about this. Mommy got sick, that's all. She got sick and Sean and the other doctors are going to fix her. Everything is going to be okay." Jamie held the sobbing boy tight against his leg. He was still consoling his sobbing son when Danny came out, "Jamie, Sean says you can go in. She's waking up."

Jamie looked at Joey, "Can you hang out with Uncle Danny while I go see your Mom?" Joey sniffled and nodded. "Can I stay outside so Lila doesn't see I cried? She'll get scared."

"Stay with Uncle Danny," Jamie told him. "I love you Joey."

Jamie sprinted inside the hospital and over to where Sean was waiting. "Come on back, Uncle Jamie. I think she'll be back with us any time now. We sedated her slightly to clean the wound but she's starting to make sounds."

Sean led Jamie to Eddie's cubicle. She was so small in the bed. She was small to begin with but the hospital bed dwarfed her. Her eyes were still closed, her arm elevated on two pillows with a drain to run out all the infections. She had two IVs running, one appeared to be fluids and another was tinted slightly pink in color. Jamie surmised it was the antibiotics.

"Her pressure is still very low and her fever has only come down about a degree. She's very weak so whatever you have to say to her, now is not the time."

"I know that Sean," Jamie replied. "Thank you."

Jamie sat by Eddie's side and held her hand in his. He kissed the velvety skin and held her fiery hand against his cheek. Ten minutes later, Eddie moaned.

"Eddie, I'm here," Jamie whispered. "I'm here, sweetheart."

Eddie licked her dry lips and slowly opened her eyes, "Ja.." She tried to speak but her mouth was too dry. He poured a cup of water. Gently he lifted her head from the pillow and held it so she could take a few sips. "Better?" he asked softly.

"Yeah…where am I? What's happened?" As he predicted, Eddie was disoriented.

"You're in St. John's hospital. You collapsed at dinner from a bad fever. You have an infection." He kept his voice soft and gentle though his anger at her had dissipated seeing her like this, he was still reeling from the fact she had hidden this from him.

"Oh…I feel pretty lousy, Jamie."

"I know you do, I know…" He kissed her hand and dipped a cloth in an emesis basin Sean had filled with water. Tenderly Jamie wiped Eddie's forehead and cheeks trying to make her more comfortable.

"Jamie, I…"

"I know, I know all about it. Linda told me. Let's not talk about it now. You lie still and get well."

She sighed and her eyes drifted closed again. Jamie sat at her bedside another ten minutes. While she was being moved to a regular room he went to update everyone on her condition.

Holding both of his children, one in each arm, Jamie explained Eddie had woken up, was on medication, and would get well. Then he sent everyone home, while he stayed at the hospital by Eddie's side. "Jamie, your kids need you to do bedtime, they are still pretty freaked. You go home to Dad's and put them down, I'll sit with Eddie until you come back," Danny offered.

Jamie agreed, he had to be a father too. He rode back to the house with Frank while Danny settled down to read a magazine. Jamie had not yet returned when Eddie woke again.

"Jamie?" She was a little more coherent now.

"Nope, he took the kids back to Dad's to put them to bed," Danny replied. "He'll be back in a little while. How are you feeling?"

Eddie sighed, "A little bumpy…sweaty too."

"Your fever is coming down, but Sean said it'll be a day or two before you really feel like yourself." Danny offered her some water and adjusted the bed so she could sit a little.

"How angry is he Danny?" Eddie asked after a few minutes. "He is coming back right?"

"He is coming back," Danny assured her. "He is coming back, don't worry. Joey was having a hard time and he really needed Jamie to be there when he went to bed."

Eddie smiled sadly, "Jamie's a good dad. I'm so sorry my kids had to see this, and that Jamie had to find out like this."

Danny nodded, "Yeah, but I have to admit, I understand. It's my fault, all I did was hammer on you from day one about making his home life simple and all that junk. All because I didn't want to bury another brother. It wasn't fair of me to say that."

"I didn't have to listen to you," Eddie replied. "If it was anything but this I wouldn't. You remember how he reacted when Josefina died, and she your ex-partner's sister. He relived your mother's death. I couldn't do that to him if I wasn't really sick. I decided to tell him tonight, I was too scared to hear the results of the biopsy by myself, I needed him to come with me."

"You could have told me," Jamie said from the doorway. He had returned a few minutes earlier and heard Eddie's comments. "Eddie, you can always tell me anything."

Danny stood up, "I think this is my cue. Rest easy." He kissed Eddie's forehead and patted Jamie on the back before taking his leave.

Jamie took Danny's place in the chair at Eddie's bedside. He looked down at his wedding ring, "You lied to me, Eddie. You lied to me for over a week. You were scared, you had an operation and you didn't tell me."

"I didn't know if I had anything to tell," she defended seeing how stupid her motives seemed now.

"Did you have a lump on your breast that Linda said to have checked out? Yes. Did you get a mammogram? Yes. Did you have SURGERY on your breast? Yes. Did you come home from that surgery feeling sick and lie to my face about why? YES! You had things to tell me Eddie, and you had plenty of chances to do it. You lied to me! To me! Your own husband!"

Jamie was upset, tears were falling down his cheeks. Eddie was crying too, "I'm sorry, Jamie. I know how upset talk of cancer gets you, I was scared myself and I….made a stupid choice. Please don't…"

"Don't what?" he asked. "Please don't be angry. I have the right to be angry. Please don't yell? I think I earned that right too."

"I was going to tell you tonight, I was going to tell you and beg you to come tomorrow to the doctor to hear the results. I didn't want you to get upset over nothing but I was too scared to hear the results without you. I need you Jamie."

Jamie sat down in the chair again, "I'm here. I am angry, Eddie. I admit that, you hurt me. You didn't trust me enough to be there for you. Fifteen years as partners, thirteen of them in a relationship, we've always had each other's backs. We have always been honest with each other."

"I know, I'm sorry. If I could do it again I would, I'd tell you what Linda said. I made a choice and it was the wrong one. I can't do this alone, I wanted to be strong and tough and bare up on my own but I can't. I need your help. Please tell me I didn't ruin those last fifteen years?"

The pain in her voice, both physical and emotional was evident. Jamie looked up at her pale face, she was struggling just to have this conversation with him now. That was clear to him. He reached out and took her hand left hand in his own. "To have and to hold, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health…" Jamie repeated. "I meant it then, I mean it now and I always will…"

Eddie leaned back against the pillows, her arm was hurting again. "I'm sorry, Jamie."

He nodded, "Try to get some rest huh?"

"My arm hurts," she told him, promising herself not to keep him in the dark again.

"I'll call a doctor. You lie still until I get back…"

With pain medication, Eddie slept until the next morning. Jamie dozed on and off in the chair at her side. Later Frank promised to bring the children to see their Mom since she was doing slightly better than the day before.

While Eddie was eating her breakfast, Dr. Abrams, the oncologist she was referred to for the biopsy came into the room. "Mrs. Reagan, you've been hard to get a hold of on the phone."

Eddie nodded, "Doctor, this is my husband, Jamie. Uh, I was going to come in today with Jamie, but that plan got a little messed up."

The doctor sat down on a stool near the bed and examined Eddie's incision. "The infection is draining, I hope you'll be able to go home in a few days to finish recuperating."

"Does that mean her tests are clear?" Jamie asked holding Eddie's hand tightly.

"It means that we can't continue her treatment until she's strong enough to endure another surgery. Mr. and Mrs. Reagan, I'm very sorry…the news is not good."

Next in Tough: The family reacts to the news.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer and Notes: I do not own Blue Bloods only Joey and Lila Reagan. I do not own Craig Morgan's song, Tough. I will alternately publish updates to this story and True Blue's sequel "Silver Linings" I look forward to your feedback.**

 **Shorter chapter today but I felt it was heavy so I broke when I intended to write into two parts. I write this story day by day, it is an ongoing work. It is my story of survival that I hope inspires others to know even the hardest things can be done. I am open to prompts and suggestions for each of my stories.**

 **Please submit your reviews so I know I am on the right track. I don't hold chapters hostage for reviews, but when I know my readers are enjoying my work, I do write a little faster. Looking forward to your feedback, praise and criticism welcome.**

Chapter Nine

As Eddie predicted, as soon as the news left the doctor's lips, Jamie started to shake. His face turned completely white and his breath came in small gasps. "Doctor, can I have a minute with my husband please?" Eddie asked taking the hit on the chin.

"Of course I'll come back in a few minutes to talk." The doctor left the two alone and shut the door.

Eddie turn in bed and took Jamie's hands, "Jamie. Jamie look at me."

He was struggling for breath. He picked his head up and looked in her face. "Eddie…"

"Jamie, listen to me. It's going to be all right. Everything is going to be all right." She slid off the bed ignoring the pain in her arm and wrapped him in her embrace. "I am going to fight this thing, Jamie. No matter how hard the battle I'm going to fight to stay with you and our kids." She kissed his head over and over again stroking his hair like she did for little Joey. "But I'm going to need you to help me, okay? I can't do it alone. I need you."

Jamie took a deep breath, Eddie did need him. He couldn't fall apart and let her deal with this alone. He looked up at her and nodded, "Partners?"

Eddie smiled, "Partners."

She pushed back onto the bed, "Oh ow…"

"Let me help you into bed. I'm sorry I lost it on you." Jamie was embarrassed by his reaction. That was why she'd kept it from him, she knew how he'd react. She was the one that was facing this awful illness. He might have to watch her go through the treatments and the pain, but she was going to suffer through it. He had no frame of reference for that.

"It's okay," Eddie replied. "I have no idea what it's like to watch someone go through cancer. I know how Josefina looked at the funeral, and I remember how Maria said she was almost happy that she was in peace. You watched your mom, and I know it's scary baby."

"Are you all right?" Jamie asked getting control over his emotions for the time being.

"I'm scared, but we don't know what we are dealing with yet. It might not be that bad. Why don't you go and let the doctor know he can come back when he's done with his rounds."

Jamie stepped into the hallway and spoke to Eddie's nurse. They watched a little TV, holding onto one another's hands. A half hour later Dr. Abrams returned and once again sat down facing the couple.

"Mrs. Reagan," he began but Eddie cut him off.

"Please call us Eddie and Jamie. If you are going to be poking around my breast you should at least use my first name."

Dr. Abrams smiled, "It's great you have such a positive attitude. That will have a lot to do with how you respond to the treatment. You have a Stage 3C breast cancer. The tumor is large, and from the samples we took during the biopsy show it's invaded at least the lymph nodes under your arm. When we operate to remove the tumor and those affected lymph nodes, we'll explore the area and see if the nodes near the breastbone have also been affected."

"Stage 3C that's bad isn't it?" Jamie asked.

"It's an advanced cancer but it is still curable. So far there's no evidence of the cancer invading the bones or other organs. I won't lie to you Eddie, it's not going to be easy but you are young and strong, I think with the right treatment plan we can beat this."

Eddie moved her hand to cover her affected breast, "Am I going to lose my breast?"

"My recommendation is that we remove the entire breast and the surrounding lymph nodes. That's the surest way to be sure we get it all. We'll use chemo and radiation therapy to kill the remaining cells and help prevent recurrence. There are other options, we can try to save the breast but the risks of recurrence are much greater."

The doctor spent an hour with them going over the various options. He provided them with pamphlets and literature to read as they made their decision. Later that day Eddie would have a second mammogram, this time of her right breast. She wanted to cry but held it in. Jamie was still pale as a ghost, she had to be strong for him.

When the doctor left, Jamie looked at her. "I think I'm going to call my dad and ask him to bring the kids."

"I want to hold my babies," Eddie replied smiling. "And I think we need to tell your dad first. While I play with the kids you can tell him. We'll tell the rest of the family later but your Dad has the right to know."

Jamie agreed and stepped out to call his father giving Eddie a few minutes alone. The impact of the news had not yet sunk in. She was so worried about Jamie and telling her children she didn't have time to feel it. She was scared but she know that she was going to have to be strong if she was going to live.

Frank was waiting by the phone for Jamie's call. He had kept the kids busy for the morning but both were constantly asking about their mom. "Jamie, how is she?"

"She's a little better, her fever is down. She is ready to see the kids and you and I have to have a talk." Frank could tell by the pain in Jamie's voice that the news was not good and the talk he'd have with his youngest would not be easy.

"We'll be there in an hour."

Frank clapped his hands, "Okay, that was just your Daddy on the phone and your Mom can have visitors so let's wash our hands and faces, get our shoes and stop by the deli to get her something good to eat."

Frank stopped by Eddie's favorite Polish deli for potato pancakes and ham sandwiches. "Joey, hold Lila's hand when we go into the hospital so she doesn't run. Don't get on Mommy's bed until you are asked, she is still sick and she's sore so wait for Daddy to put you on."

Both children nodded, and Frank marveled at how disciplined they were.

Just about an hour later they arrived at the hospital. Joey held his sister tight as they entered Eddie's room. Their Mommy looked scary. She had tubes in her arms and her face was white like her sheets. Still she smiled, "Come here, let me see you." She reached out both arms though her left less than her right. Lila ran up to her and Jamie put her on the bed. She settled right in beside her mother. Eddie cuddled Lila then looked at her son, "Come on Joey, there's nothing to be afraid of sweet boy."

Joey began to cry and turned to run from the hospital room. Jamie took off after him catching him with little effort. "Joey, come on little man. Your Mommy wants to see you. What's wrong?"

"I don't want Mommy to be sick. I heard Aunt Linda and Uncle Danny talking today with Grandpa that Mommy might be sick and I don't want her to be!" Lila had inherited all of her mother's charms while Joey had surely gotten the Reagan temper.

"I don't either, Buddy," Jamie replied. "But we have to love her anyway, we have to love Mommy so much more now than we ever did before. You know why?"

Joey shook his head, Jamie dropped to one knee. "Because love is the best, strongest medicine there is in the entire wide world."

Joey smiled, "I love Mommy a whole lot!"

"Then let's go show her, it's okay to be scared and if you want to cry, that's okay too. Be gentle when you hug her."

Jamie walked Joey back into the room. His son went to the bed, "Can I climb on?" Eddie patted a space beside her. Joey promptly occupied the space and laid his head on her leg, "I love you mommy."

"I love you too, let's play a game…"

Jamie looked at Frank and motioned for him to join him in the hall.

Father and son walked around the ward, "So, the doctor was in earlier and it's bad news. She has a stage 3C breast cancer and needs surgery as soon as she's strong enough."

Frank's heart froze in his chest. "Your Mom, she had uh, stage 2 when they found it."

"I know Dad. I know what this means. Eddie is going to have to fight for her life, she's going to need me to do it. I don't have older kids…"

"Jamie, don't go there yet. You have a support system. I'm here, Danny and Linda are right down the street in Staten Island. Sean is a med student, he can offer all kinds of support and you've got a solid partner."

"Gordo called twice already but I didn't call him back. I just texted him and the Captain that I had a family emergency and needed a few days personal. I didn't give them a choice," Jamie sighed. He might be in trouble for this.

"Talk to your partner, Jamie. For now, what is the plan?"

"Surgery when she's strong enough, and looking at her now I have no idea when that will be. She's been so weak, she's pushing for the kids and even for me. When the doctor told us, I lost it. Eddie had to ask him to leave the room."

Frank sighed, "Jamie, you have to be strong for her. This is going to be hell on earth for you both, and I do understand your fear. She can't do it alone no matter how tough she is. You be her rock and I'll be yours."

Jamie nodded and looked up at his father's face, "I'm scared, Dad. I'm really scared."

Frank reached out and took Jamie into his arms. When he had this particular look he was still a little boy. He held him tight, "I know you are. We'll get through it, Jamie. One way or another we will get through this."

Next in Tough: Jamie and Eddie talk to their kids and discuss her options. The Reagan siblings learn about Eddie's situation. Jamie suggests Eddie call her dad.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer and Notes: I do not own Blue Bloods only Joey and Lila Reagan. I do not own Craig Morgan's song, Tough.**

Chapter Ten

While Eddie slept and Frank took the children home, Jamie took a ride to the precinct to talk to Gordo and Renzulli. He didn't know what the status of Eddie's health would mean for his career. It might be that he had to take an extended leave or it might mean that he could continue status quo.

As soon as he walked into the precinct both his partner and his old TO could tell whatever prevented him from coming this morning was something huge. "Come on in my office, Reagan. Powell, you come too," Renzulli instructed. He poured the three of them a cup of coffee, "What's going on Reagan, you look like hell."

"Uh, I'm okay. It's uh…it's Eddie. Eddie's sick, she's really sick." He could barely get it out. His wife was sick, and not just with cellulitis but with cancer. The big "c", the great equalizer, the killer that could never be apprehended.

"What is it?" Renzulli asked. "She get pneumonia or something like that, Harvard?"

Jamie shook his head, "Right now she's fighting cellulitis, she got it from her biopsy incision getting infected, but she's got a harder fight than that. She's got what they are calling an advanced breast cancer."

"Oh, Jamie, I'm sorry man," Gordo said quickly. "Anything you need, anything the kids need, you say the word."

Jamie offered a weak smile, "Thanks Gordo. I don't even know what end is up right now, I need a few days, Cap. Gordo, can you keep the heat on the Anderson case? That little one shouldn't be shelved just because…"

"You got it, Reagan. We'll get that jerk for you," Gordo assured him.

Renzulli was taken aback. He remembered Eddie a new boot, he remembered her at her wedding to Jamie, pregnant with both of her kids. Now she was going to have to fight for her life. If anyone could do it, she could.

"She's tough as nails, Jamie. She'll come out the other side of this just fine."

"I hope so, Cap," Jamie replied. "So am I okay for a short personal leave?"

"You have over two years of sick time, take a few weeks and we'll see where we are, okay?" Jamie nodded thankful for the solid relationship he has with his CO.

While Jamie completed the paperwork downtown, Eddie woke with Erin at her bedside. Jamie didn't want her to be alone if she did wake up while he was gone. She was reading a brief when she heard Eddie stir.

"Hey sleepyhead," Erin greeted with a smile. "How are you feeling?"

"Better," Eddie replied. "Good drugs, I think. They said if my fever stays down that I can go home in a few days."

Erin nodded, that was good news but there was a 300 pound gorilla in the room. "Eddie, Dad told me in case the doctor came while I was here. I am so sorry…whatever you and Jamie need."

"Thanks, Erin. We have to talk it all through, we have to figure out what surgery I need to get and how to handle radiation and chemo. It's going to be so hard on Jamie."

Erin nodded, "Yes, it will be hard on Jamie, but it's going to be hard on you too Eddie. You have to take care of yourself in this too."

"You didn't see him, Erin. When the doctor told us, he just…he shook like a leaf. I had to ask the doctor to leave so I could calm him down."

"Jamie was seventeen when our mom died," Erin replied. "He was there though, he was in the room with her when she took her last breath. My dad went to the airport to pick up Danny. My mom insisted that Dad go and be the one to get him, so he did. In hindsight, we think she knew and it would just have been too hard with Dad there."

"This is why I didn't want to tell him until I knew for sure. Now that I do know, I'm scared to death for him to be out on the street. He's going to be focusing on me and the kids and not himself. If I lose him Erin, I'm not going to make it. I need him to get me through this because I can't do it by myself."

Tears threatened, so Eddie took a deep breath to stave them off. Erin held her hand tight, "It's okay Eddie. It's okay to be scared. But even if you didn't have Jamie, you have us. You're my sister same as he's my brother in my book. Nikki isn't going back to work for a year, she can help. Sean is a medical student, he can help. We can all help."

Eddie swallowed and nodded, "Still, he's my husband."

Erin felt a pang of envy for Eddie and Jamie. She never had that connection with Jack or any man in her life. Where their very presence soothed fear, relieved pain, and made the day brighter.

"I know he is, and he will get you through. He might be freaking out now but he'll come through. Remember when Lila was born…"

 **Four Years Earlier**

 **Coastal Long Island**

 **September**

" **It's really blowing hard!" Nikki exclaimed as they watched the hurricane out the window.**

" **I know, Nik but it'll stop before it's time to leave tomorrow," Frank assured her. "The best thing you can do is stay here and wait it out with the rest of us. Your professor is probably stuck too."**

 **Nikki settled down to study then play cards with Sean and Jack. They had taken the trip to help them get passed Henry's sudden death three weeks ago.**

 **Jamie had been fishing with his dad and Danny when the storm hit. They hurried back a soon as they saw the raindrops. Eddie was eight months pregnant and Jamie had reservations about even coming on the trip. Still their son Joey had been late so he allowed himself to be talked into it.**

 **Now she sat on the couch with Erin talking about names since the power had gone out a few hours before. Jamie brought her a cup of water to drink, it was hot and she needed to be hydrated.**

" **Your ankles are so swollen, babe," he observed getting two pillows to prop them up.**

" **It's your fault, I'm retaining so much water my butt is shifting with the tides out there," Eddie griped then sat up straight. "Oh…"**

 **That got Erin's attention, "Are you okay?"**

" **Yeah, this kid just kicked me in the ribs. I thought Joey was violent. Help me up, Jamie. I have to pee again."**

 **Jamie helped her up and she waddled to the bathroom. He was watching her like a hawk. "You okay, Jamie?" Erin asked.**

" **Yeah, I'm fine. She was up all night tossing and turning. I just have this feeling something's not right. She's having a lot of pain and way more swelling than she did with Joey."**

" **Every pregnancy…"**

" **Is different, I know. I just have this feeling."**

 **He no more than finished the sentence when he heard Eddie, "Linda! Linda!"**

 **Linda hurried to the bathroom from where she'd been reading a book by camp light, Jamie hot on her heels. "What's the matter?"**

" **My water broke but something doesn't look right!" There was blood in the amniotic fluid.**

" **That's okay that happens sometimes…how long have you been having contractions?" Linda asked.**

" **Maybe all night now I think about it, I was so uncomfortable, and the pain was steady."**

 **Jamie sighed, "Why didn't you say something to me about this Eddie?"**

" **I thought it was back pain, what do you want me to do wake you up to whine?" Eddie snapped. "Can we make it back to Staten Island?"**

" **Eddie, there's a full blown storm out there," Linda replied. "Why don't we lie down and call an ambulance. It'll take a little time but they'll get here. Let's get you comfortable."**

 **Eddie labored in the steamy hot bedroom for hours. When Jamie wasn't coaching her through the contractions, he was a nervous wreck. Linda and Erin were taking care of all of Eddie's needs while Frank and Nikki kept three year old Joey busy.**

" **Where is that ambulance?" Jamie kept asking and calling when he could get a signal. Linda said Eddie would be ready to push inside a few hours.**

 **The ambulance still hadn't arrived by then, Eddie was exhausted, soaking wet, and crying in pain. Jamie held her body upright when she pushed then let her lean against him to rest in between. "Almost there, honey," Linda encouraged then told Eddie to push again.**

" **Stop pushing, Eddie, stop pushing…" Linda wasn't looking at a head of curly baby hair, instead she was looking at a pair of baby feet. She started barking orders that made no sense to Jamie. "Eddie the baby is breech, I have to reach inside to turn it around."**

 **Danny came inside to help brace Eddie for the procedure. As Linda tried to turn the baby, blood began to gush out. Jamie turned white as he saw his wife's life force oozing around Linda's arm. "Danny, get your father to get the car ready. We have to get her to the hospital now."**

 **Danny ran to get his father while Linda explained to Jamie. "She's bleeding pretty badly, right now I don't think we can save the baby, it may be deprived of oxygen. We can still save Eddie if I leave my arm inside of her until we get to the hospital. She needs you to be strong."**

 **Jamie went back to Eddie's side, she didn't hear Linda's soft words. "Jamie…Jamie don't let our baby die. Promise me you won't let our baby die."**

" **I promise, honey. No one is going to die today."**

 **Jamie laser focused on his wife. He helped Danny get her in the car and was forced to sit in the front seat while Linda kept pressure to stave off the massive bleeding. As soon as they reached the hospital, a five minute ride that took nearly forty minutes, Eddie was taken away.**

Present Day

"He fought for you and baby Lila," Erin reminded her. "And he will keep doing that now, he'll fight for you, he'll fight with you."

"When is he coming back? I have a doctor coming to give a second opinion. It's a woman, I think I'll feel better with a woman."

Erin texted her brother he was needed and received an almost instant reply. "On my way."

Ten minutes later Jamie arrived. He hugged his sister then kissed his wife. "I got a few weeks of leave time so I can be there to take care of you after your surgery. Gordo is clearing our case load." He held her hand and perched on the edge of the bed.

Erin stood up, "I'm going to go, Dad says the rest of the family is going to come by later, he wants this out in the open."

Jamie nodded. That was his family, they wanted to know what was going on so they could plan how they'd help. He knew often that upset Eddie, she appreciated it, but liked her privacy.

While they waited for the doctor she told him, "I don't want their input on the treatment options, Jamie. That is our decision as husband and wife not for everyone to weigh in."

"I know sweetheart, don't worry I'll hold things down, but they do need to know. We are going to need help with the kids and if you need treatments, someone to take you when I go back to work. Dad can do a lot but he can't do it all," Jamie replied. "Danny and Linda will want to help, Erin too."

Eddie trusted he would keep the peanut gallery to a minimum. "Uh, you think when we tell my family that we should have your dad on the speaker phone, so he can listen and hear what's happening?"

"No," Eddie replied emphatically. "I don't want him anywhere near this. I can't do that Jamie."

"Honey, he's got a right to know his daughter is sick. Imagine if…" Jamie felt his voice catch. "If the worst happens and I have to call him and tell him you're gone and he never knew you were sick."

"Please, Jamie. Not now, there's too much going on now to deal with him. Let's tell your family and we have to tell our kids."

Jamie hadn't thought about talking to their kids in depth. Eddie was right, she would be having surgery and would be getting treatments, they needed to know their lives would be somewhat altered. Before Jamie responded, the doctor came in.

"Hello, Edit, Jamie…I'm Dr. McGee. Dr. Abrams told me you wished to have another evaluation of your results and go over the options again." She sat down on the chair near the bed. "Let's get started."

Dr. McGee was very thorough. She showed them all of Eddie's films including the ones of her right breast. "You see this shadow here…that is a spread from your left to your right breast. That one is small and can likely be cut out while we save the breast tissue. You are beginning to recover from the infection, so I'd like to schedule surgery, whatever that is in two weeks."

"Dr. Abrams said he wanted to take the entire breast," Eddie said. "Do you think?"

"I think it's your body, it's your choice but with a tumor this large that is spreading, you should consider mastectomy for the left side. Once you heal, plastic surgeons can reconstruct the breast from other portions of your body fat and with implants."

Eddie took a breath, "I don't want to lose my breath, Dr. McGee. I nursed my babies there."

"You have the option of us going after the tumor and lymph nodes and trying to save the breast, but you run the risk of recurrence and metastasis. If the cancer gets into the spine, the bones, the liver…It is a much harder fight." Dr. McGee understood how Eddie felt. She looked at her husband, a real GQ. Automatically she was judging him until he said, "I want what my wife wants, doctor. But are you saying if we save the breast, that I might lose Eddie?"

"I'm saying that if you try to save the breast, you could very well lose her, yes."

Jamie looked at his wife, "For me it's a no brainer, honey. You want to talk about it more, that's okay but…"

"When do I have to give you an answer?" Eddie asked holding on tighter to Jamie's hand. She was getting overwhelmed, he could tell and her face was starting to flush.

"I'll schedule you for the mastectomy, if you choose a simpler surgery, though against my medical opinion, I can adjust it. Two weeks from Friday we will operate. Think it through, if you have questions, call my office." With a soft smile she left.

"Jamie I…"

"Let's not discuss it now, right now I think it's better if you rest." He touched her forehead, "You're feverish again. Lie back and rest, I'll be right here. I can read to you if you like?"

She nodded, hearing his voice would be a nice distraction. She did feel rotten again as her fever worked its way back up. Eddie napped easily as Jamie read from her Tom Clancy mystery.

When she woke two hours later most of the Reagan family, with the exception of Jack, who was on a tour, and Sean who was taking the kids for a walk had gathered I her hospital room. "You're looking better, Aunt Eddie," Nikki said with a smile.

Eddie sighed, "Jamie, let's get it over with, okay. Uh, you all probably know already but, the biopsy I got the infection from, it was positive for cancer."

Danny nodded, he knew already. He could see the fear in his little brother's face even if he was hiding it from everyone else. "It's stage 3c so it's advanced, but I'm going to try the best I can to beat it and with all of your support, I know I will."

Jamie kissed her head, "Eddie and I are going to need everyone's support and your prayers as we go through. We don't know what we are facing but we're going to fight it together."

Linda was relieved to hear that, even with Eddie keeping her health scare, which had become a daunting reality a secret, the marriage appeared to be rock solid. "Anything you need, if you need me to stay over when you get treatments, you have your own personal nurse."

"Thanks Linda, but I don't think it'll be that bad once we get into a routine. Still if we need help we'll call you." Eddie was trying to keep a positive attitude in the wake of her mounting fear.

"I think you can bring the kids in now," Jamie said after few more minutes of discussion. "Eddie's getting tired and we want to fill them in as best we can."

"Jamie can I see you a minutes, son?" Frank asked. He had misgivings about telling the children too much. Little Joey was struggling so much as it was.

Jamie nodded and stepped into the hallway while Danny went to locate the kids and Sean. "Joey is really struggling," Frank said not beating around the bush. I think you need to limit his exposure to the hospital and his sick mother."

"That's not his "Sick" mother, that's his mother. I can't tell Eddie she's losing her health, losing her breast, and now losing her children, I can't do that. I won't. I will talk to Joey. Thanks for the heads up Dad."

Jamie's heart hurt when he saw his children. Lila looked adorable in little overalls and a pink shirt, Joey looked cute but tired in black jeans and an NYPD tee. Jamie approached both kids and gave them warm hugs, "Come on inside to see Mommy now," he encouraged. "We have to talk to you for a few minutes."

Holding both kids' hands, Jamie led them inside of Eddie's room. Lila again ran to her mother, Joey was more forthcoming and went to sit on his mother's bed. Eddie looked at her babies, her throat closing with tears. Would she seem the growing up?

"How do you feel Mommy?" Joey asked. "Lila and I made you this card at Grandpa's house."

"You did," Eddie smiled and took the car. "Thank you guys, this is so beautiful. I'm going to put this on my table so I can see it every day until I go home."

"When are you doing that Mommy?" Lila asked. "I miss you and snuggle time."

"I know, I'll be home in a few days but…guys put on listening ears for Mommy and Daddy, we need to tell you something very important," Eddie said and waited for the children to obey. She looked up at Jamie, "Can you…please?"

Jamie sat in the big chair beside Eddie's bed. "Guys, Mommy is sick. And not just sick because she's in the hospital, Mommy has cancer. Do you know what that is Joey?"

"It's what grandma Mary died of," Joey replied. He was smart and astute like his father, he heard all kinds of things. "Mommy are you going to die?"

Lila didn't understand but it sounded bad, she curled up into her mother and started to cry. "No, Mommy is not going to die, baby boy," Eddie soothed. "But I'm going to have an operation and take some medicine that might make me feel tired and have an upset tummy…so I need you two to big good and help at home as much as you can okay?"

Jamie smiled at their enthusiastic nods. "Sometimes you two might have to go Aunt Linda's or Aunt Erin's or Grandpa's if Mommy is feeling very bad, but that doesn't mean you two did anything wrong or that we're upset with you, it's just because at the time it's what is best for Mommy so she can get all better."

Both children seemed to take this news in their stride, they took their cue from their parents who were doing their best not to show fear or upset. That small branch of the Reagan family spent the rest of visiting hours together getting as much snuggle time as they could get.

Next in Tough: Eddie struggles with her diagnosis, Jamie has disturbing visions of the future. The family steps up.


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer and Notes: I do not own Blue Bloods only Joey and Lila Reagan. I do not own Craig Morgan's song, Tough.**

Chapter Eleven

"Keep the wound dry and clean," the nurse instructed as she handed Eddie and Jamie the discharge papers. "Use the ointment twice a day and make sure you finish the entire bottle of antibiotics."

Eddie had been hospitalized for three days. She had kept her fever down and the wound stopped oozing so the doctor cleared her to go home. "Most importantly, you must rest and not over use your arm."

Eddie nodded, her arm still ached so badly she didn't think she could over use it. "Dr. McGee wishes to see you in one week to determine if you will be able to have your surgery on the 19th or if they'll have to postpone."

Jamie sighed, "We can't postpone very much, can we? She has a tumor the size of a golf ball that is spreading through her body like wildfire."

The nurse nodded, "I understand, but she has to be well enough to endure the surgery, it's a drastic procedure."

"I haven't actually decided what option I'm taking," Eddie replied. She knew in her heart what she had to do but it was frightening to think about.

The nurse left stating she was free to leave the hospital. The transporter came to wheel her out to where Danny was waiting with the car. "We thought the SUV would be a smoother ride for you," he stated. "You can rest in the backseat. Linda is at your place with the kids getting your room ready."

Eddie was grateful for this family and everything they were doing for her and Jamie. Jamie helped her in and fastened her seatbelt. "Danny, do you have the blanket? She's going to get cold back here."

Danny provided the blanket and Jamie wrapped Eddie in it. He got into the back seat with her so she could rest her head on his chest if she needed to do it. "I'm getting better, Jamie," Eddie assured him. "Please don't waste your coddling now, I'm sure I'll need a ton of it as this goes along."

"Still, you were just in the hospital for three days and I just want to get you home into our bed where you belong. You can't have rested well with the poking and prodding they do in there."

"No," Eddie admits. "And I missed you beside me."

After the first night, they had made Jamie leave at 10 pm. He slept at his dad's to be near the hospital but truth was neither he nor Eddie got much sleep.

The ride home was short, there was no traffic. Jamie helped Eddie from the car while Danny took her bag. When she walked into the house it was clean and neat. There was a huge "Welcome Home Mommy" sign on the fireplace mantle. Both children couldn't be contained, they rushed to hug their mother. They had been only allowed to see her for a short time each day.

Eddie dropped and held both of her children close, "I missed you so much…" She felt her throat tighten with emotion at how much she'd missed her children. "Are you being good for Aunt Linda and Grandpa?"

"They've been angels," Linda told her. "Joey, what did you want to show your Mommy?"

Joey took Eddie's hand and led her to the bedroom. They had her favorite nightgown laid out, the comforter she used when they were sick and cuddled in the big bed with her, a small fridge with snacks and drinks, and the DVD player had been moved into the bedroom. "We made it for you with Uncle Danny," he said proudly. "So you can rest and get better."

Eddie's heart swelled, "Thank you sweetheart." She kissed her son's face and Lila's nose. "What if Mommy gets comfortable and we all watch a video together? What do you think Daddy?"

Jamie wanted her to rest, but he knew their kids needed her to act herself to feel secure. "I think it's a great idea."

Linda helped Eddie get changed. "The wound looks much better and the skin color is becoming normal again. How are you feeling?"

"Very tired," Eddie admits. "But I want to spend time with my kids and Jamie now. I don't know what will happen after I start treatment. Linda…if it were you. What would you do? Would you try to save your breast?"

"I'd want to try but I wouldn't do it. I know it's hard…that's where we nurse our kids, hold our husbands when they catch a hard case…that's our special thing, but at the end of the day, it's your heart and your life that matter the most. What does Jamie say?"

"He wants them to cut the whole thing off, at least that's what he told the doctors. We didn't talk yet."

"Talk to him, tell him your feelings and your fears. Let him speak for himself and make a choice. You and Jamie, and I have always admired this about your marriage…You and Jamie really are a team. You do things together, do this together too. He can't be upset at a choice if he's a part of it. That's why I was surprised you kept him on the outside of this thing so long."

"If it wasn't for his reactions to cancer, I wouldn't have. He was shaking when I told him. He shook and he cried…He was scared. He is scared and I don't know how to help that."

"Let him talk about it," Linda advised. "Let him talk about his fears, let him remember his mother's death so it's out in the open. Then tell him how scared you are…I see it I your face, you can't hide from me."

Meanwhile, Danny and Jamie were sipping whiskey. When Danny offered his little brother a shot Jamie justified, "It's five o'clock somewhere," and downed it.

"How you holding up, Kid?" Danny asked.

Jamie sighed, "I think about her all the time," he replied. "I am already obsessing about her and she didn't even start her treatments."

"Where are you on the whole losing a breast thing? Linda says she's pretty sure Eddie's holding off until you make it clear…"

"If she is doing something that stupid, I think I just might lose my temper this time," Jamie replied. "I don't care if she loses her breast, her hair, her beauty…as long as it's not her life. As long as I don't have to watch my wife…"

 _ **Jamie's Fears**_

" _ **How is she?" Danny asked coming over to take his turn sitting with Jamie and Eddie. She'd fought the cancer valiantly for sixteen months but it has spread to her lungs and her liver. Three months ago, with Jamie's blessing, she made the decision to stop fighting and enjoy, as much as she could, the time with her family.**_

" _ **In and out," Jamie replied. He looked as if he'd aged fifty years in the last six weeks. That's when she got bad, when the pain became unbearable at times, when doing for herself was no longer an option.**_

" _ **She finally is getting some peaceful sleep, but her morphine is locked out now so the next bout of break through pain, we just need to ride it out."**_

 _ **Danny embraced his younger brother, "Dad says the kids are being good. Joe wants to come see his mother but…"**_

 _ **Danny looked at Eddie. She was thin as a stick, white as a sheet, with only little tuffs of blonde hair on her head. Jamie had her propped on pillows and cocooned in quilts to ease her breathing and keep her warm. She had oxygen 24/7 now but her lips still showed a bluish tinge. Danny knew the end was near and he wanted to be the one holding Jamie's hand when he lost the person he lived for each day.**_

" _ **I agree, he's too young. I want him to remember her like she was, beautiful, vital…not like this."**_

 _ **The two brothers sat down, one on each side of Eddie's bed. Jamie held her hand, it had a permanent tremor. They watched the television and listened to Eddie's raspy breathing. "Danny, when Mom sounded like that…how long?"**_

" _ **Two or three days I think, Dad will remember better, but it wasn't long."**_

 _ **Jamie sighed, "A few more days…" He wasn't sure if it was relieved or heart broken. Probably both.**_

 _ **A few hours into their vigil, Eddie started to stir. Jamie pushed the PCA button hoping it would deliver a booster and not beep at him. The booster was delivered but Eddie still began to moan in pain.**_

 _ **Jamie stood and moved her pillows this way and that way until the fussing stopped. "Ssh, I know…I know…How's this?" He didn't expect a response but when he got her to a comfortable place, she offered a weak smile. She turned her head to see Danny, "Make sure…eats…" Jamie had not been eating much while he tended to his wife's every need.**_

" _ **I fed him, don't worry…you rest, I'll take care of him…" Danny held her hand and stroked her cheek. He felt as if he too was losing a part of his heart.**_

 _ **The last few days of her life, Eddie suffered. The medication wasn't enough to handle her intense pain, she gasped for air as the tumors constricted her lungs. Jamie laid behind her in her hospital bed, the newest feature in their living room, propping her up so she could breathe. As her breathing grew more labored it also grew louder. Jamie knew it was close to the end.**_

 _ **Near midnight, three days after he had asked Danny how long it might take, Eddie opened her eyes and slurred, "Love you, Jamie…" Those were her last words…**_

Real Time

"Jamie!" Danny snapped at his brother trying to get his attention. "Where the Hell were you! You're shaking." He moved closer and rubbed his brother's arm. "Talk to me, kid."

"I can't lose her, Danny. I can't…watch her suffer like Mom did…" Jamie was in tears when Lila came out. "Daddy, why you crying?" she asked climbing into his lap.

"Daddy's just upset that Mommy is sick, peanut," Jamie replied. "Why don't you and Joey color a picture for Mommy's room and when you are done it'll be time to watch movies?"

That placated the four year old. "You aren't going to lose her, kid. It's advanced but they said they can get it all with treatment and stuff. Mom died a long time ago, the drugs are better now."

"Better but they are stronger, and the side effects are horrible. She's still so weak from the infection, she's not bouncing back. When she had Lila, she nearly bled to death and two days later, she's up and taking care of the baby."

"Listen, Jamie, I wish I could make this better for you. I wish it was like when you were little and the kids picked on you in school. I could swoop in and make it better, but I can't do that. All I can do it pray with you, cry with you, and help you as much as possible. And I promise I will." Danny patted Jamie's back in a comforting gesture.

Jamie smiled at Danny, "I'm going to check on them they've been in…" Before he finished Linda emerged from the bedroom. "Go on in Jamie. She's tired but she wants to spend time with you and the kids. Danny and I will let ourselves out. I'll be by in the morning to change her bandage and check her wound. You change it tonight and if it smells or is oozing, call me."

Jamie agreed and went into the bedroom to talk to Eddie. "The kids are coloring, they'll be a little while yet. Before you get too tired we should talk about what we're going to do."

Eddie sighed, "I know it's silly, but I don't want to lose my breast. It's part of me, it's one of the first places you touched me, it's where I nursed our babies. It's where I hold you when you cry over a hurt child or a victim that you can't get justice for...but I know that I can't be here to do that if they don't get all the cancer. I know I have to lose it. I just hope that you will…"

"Of course I will," Jamie finished for her. "Eddie, I love you, not your breast. I didn't marry your breasts E though I like them, I'd rather have you here with me and our children than have you keep your breast when it's infiltrated with cancer!"

She nodded silently, "All right then. I'll call the doctor tomorrow and tell her we're going to take the whole breast and if she can save the other one, okay…if not…they both go."

Jamie leaned over and kissed her, "I'm proud of you, Eddie. I know that wasn't easy to do."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Eddie asked after a few minutes of silence. Jamie knew she meant keeping her testing a secret but Jamie shook his head. "When the kids go to bed, I have questions I don't want them to hear us."

Eddie laid back against the pillows. Five minutes later both kids came in with pictures and their favorite movie. The Reagan family sat on the bed together for the rest of the night until Lila and Joey both grew sleepy.

"Okay, guys, kiss Mommy goodnight and I'll tuck you in," Jamie told them. He was too tired to mess with bath time that night. He'd shower the kids off in the morning.

Bed time took a half hour. When Jamie returned he found Eddie standing in front of the mirror, night gown pulled down, exposing both breasts. He sighed, she was struggling so much with this. "You are beautiful, Eddie. No matter what you are so beautiful…let me change the dressing and we have to have this talk before it eats at us anymore."

She sat on the bed and let Jamie peel back the gauze. There was only a little drainage on the pad. "This looks a lot better than it did," Jamie observed as he puts ointment on the skin. "All right, Eddie, just tell me why? I think if I know why I can get past the fact that for a week you looked me in the face and lied to me."

"I didn't want to lie to you, Jamie," Eddie sighed. "I was scared. I was scared about what this lump was and what it meant and I was even more scared you'd decide you couldn't go through that again, that you couldn't go through with me what you did with your mother."

"Eddie, I can't believe this! We are married ten years, together for fifteen, when have I ever, ever left you when you needed me, even when you wanted me to?!" Jamie got up and paced. "That hurts, you know, that really hurts you think so little of me."

"I don't," she said immediately getting up and going to stop Jamie's pacing. "I was scared, and I didn't think. It was wrong, it was selfish too…and I am sorry. I went against everything our marriage stood for and I understand you're angry and I understand if you can't forgive me."

"I've already forgiven you, Eddie," Jamie sighed. "I do understand, I just don't agree. I need you to promise me here and now you will not hide another thing from me about your health or anything else. I need to know everything so I can help you. I need to know so we can fight this together. We have been in a lot of tough spots, but we got through them together."

Eddie teared up again, "Jamie…." He voice is thin and wavering. "I'm so scared…" Eddie's shoulders began to shake as Jamie took her into his arms. "I know, I'm scared too…but we're partners, we are going to be partners in this. This is the biggest battle of our lives…I've got you back…just like the first day."

Jamie held Eddie as she cried for nearly thirty minutes. He felt her sag against him, the minimal strength she had gained was gone. "Let's get you into bed," Jamie murmured softly into her hair. "Lean on me…"

He basically carried her to their bed and laid her down, "Drink some water and try to sleep…" Jamie helped her with the water and secure the blankets. "I'm going to lock up and I'll be right back okay?"

Eddie only nodded. He wasn't gone long. She felt the bed dip and Jamie slid close to her. "Sleep, please sweetheart. You need it."

He combed his fingers through her hair, a reassurance he was at her side, today, tomorrow, as long as it would take.

Next in Tough: Eddie tells her father her diagnosis, Joey struggles in school, Jamie and Eddie prepare for a night of romance before her operation


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer and Notes: I do not own Blue Bloods only Joey and Lila Reagan. I do not own Craig Morgan's song, Tough.**

Chapter Twelve

"Jamie, I don't want to do this," Eddie said for the tenth time since leaving their house. She'd spent a week in bed resting and recovering her strength. The day before she had an appointment with the oncologist and was cleared to be operated on the following Friday. Today, Jamie was driving her up to her father's house in Westchester to tell him about the cancer.

"I know, honey. I do, but you will regret this if you don't do it," Jamie sympathized. "I will be there with you the entire time. When we came to visit last year, he was really nice to you."

Jamie turned the car towards Peter Janko's road. "We tell him and if you want to go right after, we can go. Erin was taking the kids to the zoo today so they won't be home until at least seven."

Eddie nodded and leaned her head against the window. Since her father was released from jail, she only visited him once or twice a year. It was very hard on her, spending time with him, having never gotten over the disappointment his betrayal had caused her. "He's going to act all concerned and upset…but if he really gave a damn about me he'd never have done what he did. It always comes back to that Jamie."

"I know it does, but he is your father. You are sick and he has a right to know. He doesn't have a right to interfere in your treatment plan or force his presence on you if you don't wish it. I will make sure that doesn't happen." Jamie stopped the car and shut off the engine. "You ready?"

"As I'll ever be," Eddie replied getting out of the car. Jamie walked about and put his arm around her, snuggling her to his side as they approach the house.

Peter had not aged well, he walked with a limp, used a cane and looked ten years older than he was. The ravages of prison life. When he opened the door he looked around, "Where are the little ones?"

"We didn't bring them this time, Peter," Jamie replied. "This really isn't a social call." Peter moved back and let them inside. He had tea and cookies set out on the table and two sippy cups for the kids. "I guess I can put these away," he said to himself more than anything else.

"Joey is seven, he doesn't need a sippy cup," Eddie replied quickly before Jamie's look shushed her.

"Well since I never see him," Peter began to argue but Jamie stood up.

"This is not the time for this, Peter I promise in a few weeks I'll bring the kids up to see you if Eddie isn't up to it." Jamie hoped that would spark Peter's attention.

"Why wouldn't you be up to coming see your father, Edit?" he asked sitting down and taking a cookie.

Eddie reached for Jamie's hand, "I can't do this…" she whispered.

"Yes, you can. You handled all of the early stuff on your own, you have always had incredible strength…You can do this." Jamie gave her a kiss and squeezed her hands.

"What is this all about?" Peter asked getting nervous. "Edit, tell me what is going on now."

Eddie took a deep breath and holding tight to Jamie's hand said, "Dad, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I am having a mastectomy next week."

Peter's face went white at his daughter's words. "Oh sweet God," he gasped. "Oh, Edit, I am so sorry. Are you going to be all right?"

"Eddie's going to have an operation next week, they're going to remove her breast and the nodes around it then she'll have chemo or radiation or maybe both. I promised her and I will promise you, I will be there with her and for her every step of the way." Jamie kissed the back of Eddie's hand lightly.

"Well I want to help too, whatever you need," Peter said getting up and going to his daughter. "No matter what you think, I love you, Edit. You are my only baby."

Eddie let her father give her a loose hug, "I'm going to be okay, Dad. I have the best doctors and hospitals in New York. Jamie's sister in law is a nurse and she's going to come over and help out when I need it."

"I want to come and see you, Edit," Peter said firmly. "After this operation, I want to come and see you."

Eddie stood up and started to pace, she was very uncomfortable with the idea of anyone seeing her after the operation, even Jamie. "After a few days, Jamie will let you know when I am feeling up to it. And I'm sure he'll call after it's over."

"Of course, I will call or my dad. We won't leave you in the dark, Peter. I understand what it is, if this was my Lila facing this…I don't think I could take it as well as you are taking it now." Jamie put a supportive hand on Peter's arm. "Why don't we have some tea? I have some pictures on my phone of the kids. Joey is playing in a big exhibition game for his football camp in three weeks, why don't we arrange for you to get a car and come down and watch him?" Jamie showed him pictures of Joey in his football uniform and one of Joey, Eddie, and Lila on the couch at home.

"How are the children coping?" Peter asked.

Eddie sipped her tea, "Well, Lila, she doesn't understand much, she just knows that we've all been a little sad so she's reacting to that. Joey's having a hard time. He has bad dreams, he's very attached to us both even when it's time to go to his grandpa's or his uncle's house. Jamie talks to him each night, he won't open up to me."

That was as much as Eddie had opened up to her father in years.

"I know how that feels," Peter said softly, unable to resist.

"I really do not need this now, Dad, I don't…" Eddie said sharply. "Jamie, I think it's time that we go."

"We're not going to go like this," he replied. "Until recently Joey has opened up to Eddie, I think it's because she's sick he thinks if he does he will upset her. I'm going to talk to him. Honestly you two drive me crazy, Peter your daughter has cancer and you are still taking shots. Eddie, as much as I hate to admit it, you might not have all the time in the world anymore to have a relationship with your dad. I, for one, don't want to add to anymore stress and strain to this situation. Heaven forbid, you don't beat this thing Eddie…Is it worth the regrets? Fix it now, Eddie. I mean it."

He left them to talk for fifteen minutes until he heard Eddie crying. That was one thing he would not stand for from anyone. "Eddie?" Jamie hurried to her side. "Peter, what happened?"

"We just were talking about Edit's Mom, and how she passed, I though Edit had the right to know so she can tell her doctor. Her mother had breast cancer too. Edit though she died of heart trouble."

Jamie put his arms around his wife, "I'm sorry, Jamie. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I lied to you, I'm sorry…"

Now she knew what it felt like when you were lied to about someone you loved even more than before. "Please forgive me, Jamie. Please."

"Ssh, ssh. I already have, baby. I already have." Jamie held her tight and kissed her lips. "It's okay, we talked all that out. It's okay." He held is trembling wife in his arms for another few minutes. "Thank you, Peter for telling Eddie the truth, we will be sure he doctors know this. I'm going to take her home now, she's been ill and she still needs a lot of rest to be strong for her surgery."

Peter hugged his daughter again, "I love you, Edit."

Jamie led her out of the house. "That wasn't so bad, until the end." He knew why she was so upset. His mother and her own mother died of the same illness. "I know it's hard to hear and I know it is terribly frightening but they are gone a long time the medication is so much better now."

Eddie nodded, "Can we go home? I'm very tired and I just want to lie down with you and wait for our kids."

Jamie took Eddie home and she lay on the couch. When the kids got home they watched TV and played Go Fish. Family time was becoming more and more important to them.

The week dragged. Jamie was working on and off on Harper's case with Gordo when he wasn't taking Eddie to appointments for her pre hospital admission tests. On Wednesday, Jamie and Eddie were having lunch at their favorite Chinese place when Eddie's phone rang, "Joey's school," she told Jamie before answering. She listened the gasped, "Joey did what? My husband and I are both on our way…No, no he's not allergic to any ointments or creams."

Jamie looked up concerned, "What happened?"

"Joey got in a fight at school with a fifth grader," she replied. "They are both at the nurse, Joey really did some damage but he's got a cut lip and is of course inconsolable."

"Let's go," Jamie replied. He threw a twenty on the table and sped off to Joey's school. Eddie went to the nurse to check on their boy while Jamie headed for the Principal. "Father Murray," he greeted. "I'm Jamison Reagan, Joe's Dad."

They two men shook hands. "I'm sorry if Joe was out of line today. His mother was just diagnosed with cancer and he's been having very hard time dealing with that. Did he start the fight?"

"I'm not sure if it was provoked by words but Joseph, according to three other children, ran at William and punched him in the stomach several times. William pushed Joseph and he cut his lip and cheek on the side of a desk. Then Joseph scratched William across the face."

Jamie sighed, "Of course my wife and I will speak to him and he will be appropriately punished, Father."

"I'm afraid Joseph will be suspended for two days for fighting and it will go on his record."

Jamie sat up straighter, there was no way he was going to allow that. His dad might never have stepped in to stop things like this for them growing up but that was one thing he swore he would do for his kids. He was their father and he was going to protect his kids. "Father, is there a way to keep it off is record? He is a little boy that is terribly scared for his mother and trying so hard to be brave about it. Punish him, suspend him, but it's not fair this follows him until college, not under these circumstances." Jamie set his jaw in an expression that said firmly, "Do not mess with my boy."

The secretary buzzed that Mrs. Reagan and her son were outside. "Send them in," Father Murray requested.

Joey's face was cut and he was still in tears. "Come here, little man," Jamie instructed. "Are you all right?" He held his son tight in his arms.

"Maybe he'll talk to you, Jamie. He won't talk to me," Eddie sighs. "I'm so sorry, Father. This is my fault, I should have seen it."

"Mrs. Reagan, the prayers of this entire school are with you," Father Murray replied. "Mr. Reagan, I agree that Joseph should not be marred by this one lapse in seven year old judgment. I will not make an entry to his permanent record unless he acts out again."

Jamie signed the required papers and took Joey and Eddie home. He asked Linda to get Lila from her Pre-K class so that he and Eddie could deal with Joey alone.

Jamie sat Joey down as soon as they got him, "Joe, I want you to be a big brave boy now and tell me and Mommy what happened today. We promise to listen to you and not yell, but we may punish you if we think you acted without a good reason."

Joey took a deep breath, "We did special prayers in assembly today and I raised my hand. Sister called on me and I said to pray for my Mommy cause she was getting an operation to get rid of her cancer."

Eddie was touched, "Oh, Joey…that was so sweet. But how did that cause the fight?"

"After I heard Billy saying I was stupid if I thought a prayer could do anything that when you get cancer you die…" Joey began to cry. "But that's a lie cause Daddy said so, he told a lie about you Mommy!" Joey surprised Eddie by running to her to cry his tears. He hadn't done that since the hospital.

Eddie put her son on her lap and rocked him, "Joey…some people that get what I have, that get cancer, the get all better again. And other people don't baby. Some of the people that get cancer do go to Heaven." Eddie looked at Jamie with big wet eyes. He little boy was in so much pain.

"Not you, Mommy. You aren't going to Heaven…" If the force of his faith was enough…

"I hope not, Joey," Eddie coos to him. "I hope not. Mommy is going to try so very hard not to leave you baby…I love you so much."

Eddie lowered her face into Joey's fine hair and sobbed. Jamie fought his own emotions as he wrapped them both in his arms holding them close. "Joey, remember what Daddy said. Love is the best medicine in the entire world."

Joey nodded his head, "I'm sorry I fought but I was so mad."

Jamie tousled his hair, "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you think is right. Just don't do it in school anymore, all right? Go wash your face and get into your house clothes. Lila will be home soon and we have to help you pack for grandpa's house tomorrow."

Joey went off to obey his father, wiping his eyes. Jamie let him off easy for the fighting, the little guy thought he was defending his mother. Jamie couldn't find fault in that.

"Are you okay?" Jamie asked Eddie.

She nodded her head, "Our baby is in so much pain, Jamie. He is so scared, this is just not fair!"

Before Jamie could react, Linda arrived with Lila. She was sporting a gold star for good behavior, a total switch considering Joey was usually better behaved than his sister. "Did I miss something?" Linda asked.

"No, Joey's still having a hard time" Eddie replied. "I'm hoping a fun day with Frank tomorrow will help that." 

"I'm sure it will," Linda replied. "I know that he is taking them to the seaport and for dinner so he'll have time to talk with them. Sometimes he is the only one that can get through, even when they are babies."

Linda stayed a few more minutes then left that branch of the family for her own.

Frank arrived at noon the following day to retrieve his grandchildren for a day out. "I have all their stuff for the next couple of days in there in case I have to stay with Eddie. I'm going to crash at your house anyway but this way they are prepared," Jamie told him. "Okay guys, now if Grandpa says "Please don't hurt my family," what do you guys do?"

Both kids dropped to the ground immediately making Frank smile. "Here, you take her on me tonight," he said slipping some money into Jamie's hand. "And don't argue about it either, you're both my children. She asleep?"

"No, she's out getting her hair done for tonight. A little dinner, then back here for a good rest," Jamie told his dad. "I have reservations at The View."

"Isn't that where Eddie got lost that time when you took her there to propose?"

Jamie nodded.

 **Twelve Years Ago**

 **Jamie was ill at ease. He had been dating Eddie for a little more than a year and decided he was ready to take the next step and propose marriage to her. He planned an exquisite night, dinner at a romantic rooftop, rotating restaurant and a ring, a new ring, that he'd purchased from the jewelry store where they worked their first plain clothes operation. He ordered a car to pick them up at her place and drive them to the restaurant in style.**

 **When he got to Eddie's place, she was ready. She was in a short black cocktail dress, blonde hair down and curing around her shoulders. He licked his lips when he saw her, she took his breath away. After tonight, she would be his, the future Mrs. Jamison Reagan.**

 **Eddie was impressed by the car, the restaurant, even the menu. "Jamie this place it's so much money!"**

" **Tonight, the sky is the limit," he replied. "Tonight is a very special night, it's our anniversary."**

" **Reagan, we started dating in June," Eddie remind him.**

" **No, this is the anniversary of our partnership, remember? And this time I'm doing it right." Jamie took her hand and kissed her lips softly.**

 **Eddie smiled and ordered her meal. After the appetizers, Eddie excused herself to use the bathroom. As soon as she came back Jamie was going to propose. He waited five minute and got on one knee.**

 **He waited and he waited for Eddie to return. Finally he saw her walking past the table on the stationary portion of the floor. The dining portion slowly rotated moving their table slightly each second he sat there. He waited again and saw her lap him a second time.**

 **He tried not to laugh but it was kind of funny that his smart and beautiful girlfriend was challenged by a revolving restaurant. Finally, the waitress took pity on her and directed her to where Jamie was kneeling. "What's wrong, Reagan? You drop something?"**

 **Jamie looked up at her and reached into his pocket, "No" he replied. "But I picked this up last week." He opened the ring box and let the diamond shine, "Edit Janko," Jamie said softly offering her the box. "Will you marry me?"**

Present Day

"She didn't hesitate for a second, not for a second," Jamie remembered. "Everyone was cheering and clapping. I kissed her in line with the Empire State Building. So tonight, when we pass the Empire State Building, I am going to give her Mom's ring…and make sure she knows when I took my vows, I meant every word."

"I think she really needs to hear that son," Frank said. "You treat her right tonight. Let me handle these kiddos."

Frank wrangled the kids and headed off with Jamie's final warnings to behave fresh in their little heads.

Eddie arrived home a few hours later, and changed for dinner. She wore a more conservative dress but still looked as gorgeous as she did the day he asked her to marry him. "Guess where we are going?" Jamie whispered in to her neck as he helped her put on a necklace. "The View…"

"The View?" Eddie said smiling. "Wow you are pulling out all the stops tonight aren't you?"

"Nothing is too good for you, Eddie," Jamie whispered. "Nothing."

Jamie drove to the restaurant this time, he let her choose anything she wanted from the menu and ordered the best bottle of champagne they had. When Eddie they were in exact alignment with The Empire State Building, Jamie again got on one knee. Eddie gasped when she saw him on his knee, just like that day eleven years earlier. "Oh Jamie…"

He opened the box, "This ring was my mother's ring. Not her engagement ring but her mother's ring. Dad wanted me to have it for my wife, I gave it to Mom…Now I'm giving it to you, as a sign of my love and fidelity…no matter what."

Eddie began to cry and pulled on Jamie's hands, "I love you so much…" Again the entire place was applauding this couple that embodied love and devotion for one another. Jamie put a lot of Eddie's fears to rest that night, both at the restaurant and at home. He held her close to him and made love to her through the night, knowing come morning, their challenges would mount and they would need all of their strength to make it through.

Next in Tough: Eddie has her surgery, the doctor's determine how to treat her. Jamie is torn between his job and his family.


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer and Notes: I do not own Blue Bloods only Joey and Lila Reagan. I do not own Craig Morgan's song, Tough.**

 **I am back to work now after nearly a three week vacation. Updated might be every other day instead of daily. Sorry if I missed typos, I wanted to publish before going to bed. Hope you enjoy.**

Chapter Thirteen

"How are you feeling, Eddie?" Dr. McGee asked her patient as she examined Eddie's chart.

"Nervous," she replied looking at Jamie. He'd gone to such trouble last night to make her feel special, to make her feel beautiful. "But I know I made the right choice for my kids and for me."

"Okay, lie back and rest. We'll be in shortly to administer the sedation and take you down to surgery."

The doctor left Eddie alone with Jamie. "You holding up okay?" Eddie asked him. "I'm going to look so different when you see me next."

"I know that, and it'll be an adjustment for both of us," Jamie replied. "But we'll make that adjustment together, not just me adjusting to not having you in my life."

Eddie smiled and continued to rest her head on the pillows. A few minutes later Frank popped his head in, "I just wanted to stop by and wish you good luck, honey."

"Thanks, Dad," Eddie said. Occasionally she would call him "dad" when emotions ran high.

"You are going to do terrific, you will be okay when you come out of this." Frank knew how terrified they both were. He had gone through this with Mary and it did not turn out very well at all.

Eddie smiled again, "Jamie can you get one of those mouth moisten things from the nurses' station, my mouth is so dry."

Jamie agreed and kissed her head before leaving to do as she asked. When he was gone Eddie looked at Frank, "Take care of Jamie for me. He's trying to be brave for me but I know he's scared. I hear him at night pacing and praying when he thinks I'm sleeping. If something terrible happens now or in the future, please."

"I promise you, sweetheart," Frank croons to her as he would to Erin or Nikki, perhaps even little Lila. "I love you honey, we all love you so much and we'll all be here when you wake up. If it's too hard to see Jamie, you can call for me or for Linda and we'll be right here."

"Was it hard for Mary to see you after?" Eddie asked.

Frank nodded, "Yes, oh yes, it was very hard for her to have me see her without her breast and with a gaping wound but…she got over that and we moved past that together. We had a few good years because of that decision before it came back and I don't regret a single moment."

Jamie returned with the glycerin swab and gave it to Eddie. She used it then the trio waited for the doctors to come. Finally the anesthesiologist arrived to administer the sedation. Jamie and Frank both walked with Eddie to the OR doors, "I love you," Jamie whispered in her ear as they wheeled her away leaving her loved ones to sit and wait.

If it were a movie, there would be little odd jumps in the picture showing the passage of time, but this was all too real. Jamie paced, then he sat, then he paced some more, refusing coffee, food, everything. Finally Danny grabbed his arm, "Let's go…you are driving me nuts."

Danny led Jamie down the hall to the cafeteria, "Eat an apple to keep everyone happy and sit down a minute. It is a tough surgery, sure but Eddie's going to be all right."

"You don't know that!" Jamie snapped. "Nobody knows that she'll be all right. This thing killed our mom and it killed her mom."

"Yeah, I know, but this is Eddie we're talking about. You said it yourself, she gives birth to Lila during a hurricane, ruptures several blood vessels, goes to the hospital with Linda's arm between her legs, then nearly bleeds out getting the C-Section, and still she's up two days later doing Lila's diapers. She's tough as nails, you can't get a stronger woman." Danny tried to be encouraging and uplifting, but he had no way of knowing if he spoke the truth or just some empty words to comfort his younger brother.

"No, I can't," Jamie replied with a wry smile. "Do you remember that time, I think Lila was about six months old, Eddie went back to work…"

 **Three years ago**

" **Hey, Reagan," Sergeant Renzulli called out from his office. "Get in here…"**

 **Jamie had just put the final touches on his last DD5 and was going home. Eddie was working evenings so he was going to fly solo with the kids until about midnight. "Sarge, I can't pull any over time, I have kid duty. Danny's on evenings and Eddie is…"**

" **It's not about overtime, it's about Eddie."**

 **That got Jamie's full attention and he headed to Renzulli's office. "What's going on, Sarge?"**

" **First off, she's okay…Eddie is okay," Renzulli said. "But she took a pretty hard fall, she's been taken to St. Victor's for some tests but she was oriented and awake in the ambulance."**

 **Jamie didn't wait for a proper dismissal. His wife had been hurt that's all he had to hear. He dashed to his car, not even bothering to change his clothes.**

 **It only took him a few minutes to get to the hospital. "I'm Officer Reagan, my wife, she's also Officer Reagan…"**

" **Jamie, over here!" It was Eddie's partner.**

 **He hurried over to him, "McKenna! How is she?"**

" **She's okay," he replied. "She's down for a CT now to make sure she has no concussion but she was awake and talking. She was a little surly, but that's our Eddie."**

 **Jamie laughed, "What happened? She fell?"**

" **She was pushed," McKenna replied. "And she lost her balance and fell down. She went down two stairs and smacked her head."**

 **Jamie sighed, "She's hard headed. We talked about her leaving the job when Lila was born but she insisted on coming back. "**

" **I don't envy you, Reagan. Your wife, the mother of your kids getting chased and shot at…better you than me." McKenna had three more years on the job than Jamie did and was married two years longer.**

" **It's part of her and if she gives it up, it has to be her choice," Jamie replied.**

Present Day

"That's the day she told me," Jamie replied. "She told me that was a close call and if it had gone another way she wouldn't live to see our kids grow up. She said that she deserved to do that and that they deserved to have her there…and they do…Damn it Danny! Why her? Why her and not me!?"

"I wish I knew Jamie," Danny sighed. "But I'm glad it's not you. I love Eddie as if she were my sister but you are my brother and I wouldn't want to watch you go through this. There's something I can do for you now, I wouldn't be able to do anything for you then."

Jamie put his head in his hands, "God, Danny…Can you…Will you ask Dad to come to the chapel? Will you both come pray with me?"

"You got it kid, we'll meet you down there, okay?" Danny got up and went to track down his father.

For an hour the entire Reagan family knelt in prayer in the hospital chapel. Erin, Linda, and Nikki were beside the men as they prayed for Eddie's recovery. When they returned to the waiting room Gordo was there. "Hey, Reagan can I borrow you a second?"

Jamie stepped away with his partner, "What's going on?"

"Got a fresh one in, the swimming coach accused of assaulting Harper Anderson…was found dead in his apartment this morning. I know Eddie's getting her surgery and all but this case is about to break. You invested so much time…'

"I can't, maybe a little while tomorrow but today, she's going to need me to be here." Jamie felt torn. He wanted to bring the person that hurt little Harper to justice, but at the same time he knew his wife and his children needed him to be there.

Gordo understood, he was the job, Jamie was a great cop, but he was more of a family man. "See you tomorrow, here's the address where we're going to press the mother. The warrant will clear by 9."

Jamie nodded and slid the paper into his pocket. He check the clock, Eddie should have been out of the surgery an hour ago.

Another half hour passed before the doctor finally came out. Her face was grim as she approached the family.

"Jamie…" she said. "The cancer invaded the lymph nodes not just under her arm but along her breast bone and into the breast tissue on both sides. We had no choice, we had to amputate both of your wife's breasts."

Jamie only nodded, "Okay, that's okay if you go it all. Did you get it all?"

"There's metastasis to the bones in the shoulder and the breastbone on the right side. We're hopeful with chemo and radiation we can get the rest of the cancer into remission," Dr. McGee replied. "She's got a fight on her hands but she has two things that I have seen sustain patients that are even sicker…a solid support system and a terrific attitude. She's in recovery now, once she's in her room you can go on and see her."

Frank watched as Jamie took in the latest blow. The cancer was in the bones. If it spread to another organ…He closed the gap between Jamie and himself. "You see, she did well in surgery. Jamie…what do you think about coming and staying with me? I can look after Eddie while you are working, my place is larger and will be more comfortable. I can run the kids to school and pick them up…you will only have to focus on your caseload during the day then."

"Dad, I appreciate the offer but…I have to just see where we end up and I have to talk to Eddie." Frank smiled.

"Of course, but at any time you want to do that, you say the word and we'll get it done." Frank held his shoulder firmly. "I'm going to call Jack and let him know he can tell the kids everything is okay and they can see when she's ready. I don't want to put a time on it, if they went after the arm she's going to be sore."

Forty minutes later Jamie was allowed to see Eddie. She was again dwarfed by the big bed. She had bandages across her chest and an IV running. Jamie sat beside her and whispered, "I'm here, Eddie. You did just great, sweetheart. I am so proud of you."

Eddie shifted in bed and moaned, her chest and her arm on fire. She tried to reach for Jamie but she couldn't move her arm or her hand even a little. "Jamie!" she whispered in alar. "I can't feel my arm."

"Not at all?" Jamie asked concerned.

"No…I can't move it." Eddie was getting scared. Jamie hit the call button and held her other hand so she could feel him. When the nurse arrived he explained, 'She can't move her arm at all."

"She won't be able to move it much, or at all for a little bit, when the doctor removed the lymph nodes she disturbed several nerves. With time and therapy she'll regain use of it."

"You hear that angel?" Jamie asked. "Your arm will be okay, you are going to be okay."

Jamie stroked Eddie's hair as she settled down. "Are the kids okay? Where are they?"

"Jack is taking care of them, he took them to the movies and for hot dogs. He's going to tell them you are okay and they can see you soon. They'll stay at Dad's tonight, I'm going to be here with you."

"No, no go to them, they'll be scared," Eddie told him. "I can sleep, I'll be loopy…" She was already slurring and dozing off.

Jamie reluctantly agreed to spend the night at his Dad's place with his kids but left Linda instructions to call him if Eddie needed him for anything.

Both children were anxious during bedtime, "Daddy, why would you say when we can see Mommy?" Joey asked as Jamie put him to bed.

"Because Mommy had a really long and hard surgery today and she feels very tired and very yucky. She can't hold you right now because it hurt and she looks a little pale and tired. She wants to be a little better before you guys come and see her all right?" Jamie was lying next to Joey on his old bed. "I'll tell her tomorrow how much you two love her."

Joey sighed, "Lila is too little, but I can handle it Daddy. I'm a big boy."

"Yes, Joey you are a big boy but I think Mommy just has to feel a little better before you can see her. You ready for prayers?"

Jamie whispered the words along with his son, Joey bowed his head and asked God to keep his mother safe and warm in the hospital before reciting his "Now I Lay Me…"

When morning came so did Gordo's call, "We've got to move and we have got to move now. You want in Reagan?"

"You move on the bust, I'll check on Eddie and meet you at the house," Jamie replied.

"Going in son?" Frank asked.

"Just for a short bit, I'm still technically on leave," Jamie replied. "Joey's going to push to see Eddie but…"

"Nope, I have a fun day planned for them today. A trip to see some dinosaurs and lunch at our favorite deli. They'll be fine."

Jamie smiled at his father, "Thanks Dad."

Eddie was still pretty drowsy when Jamie stopped by before breakfast, Linda was working and promised to be sure Eddie ate. "I'll be around noon or one at the latest."

Gordo had just dragged in Harper's uncle when Jamie arrived. They put him in the box and Jamie started to question him. It took all of fifteen minutes for him to break and confess to the murder. Now Jamie had him. "I can help you with this, Jessup," he told the man. "I can help you plead this out with the DA if you give me the person that hurt Harper. You know what was really going on. You know…"

"Alex had everything before they adopted little Harper," he began when Jamie's cell chirped. He looked down at it, "Gordo, this is Linda…"

He stepped out into the hallway and answered it. "Hey Linda, what's going…"

"Jamie you better come…"

Jamie listened, but hesitate. He was about to make a major case…What was he thinking. He pocket his phone, signed to Gordo he was leaving and ran like the devil to get to his wife.

Next in Tough – Eddie does her best to balance her treatments and her family. Jamie finds it hard to balance work and home.


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer and Notes: I do not own Blue Bloods only Joey and Lila Reagan. I do not own Craig Morgan's song, Tough. Special Thanks to That-Hamster-Wheel for the idea regarding Eddie's stitches. I'm sure everyone that reads me also reads her, but if not, check her out. She's a terrific Jamko author.**

 **Sorry for the short chapter, but I wanted to get it up today. Once I get back into working, I will be providing longer chapters once every other day to every two days. Please leave your reviews.**

Chapter Fourteen

Jamie was breathless by the time he reached Eddie's room. Linda met him outside the room, her scrubs covered in blood. "What happened?" he asked desperately, hoping against hope that the blood did not belong to his wife.

Linda put a calming hand on his arm, "Jamie, she'll be all right. She woke up and I suppose she forgot where she was and that she can't really move her left arm right now. She tried to force it to move and ripped open her incision. She began bleeding heavily and scared herself. She's been calling out for you for the past half hour."

Jamie moved to go inside and get to his wife, "Jamie, don't. They are restitching the wound, they put a screen up so Eddie doesn't see. It's pretty gruesome, I don't think you can handle it."

Jamie sighed, "You know I'm almost forty years old, I have seen blood and death…I think I can handle seeing my wife's chest cut up or not. She's scared and she is calling for me. I have to get in there."

"Jamie," Linda stayed in his path. "It's not the same when it's your own loved one. Really it isn't. Trained surgeons can't stand the sight of a loved one's blood. Let them finish and then you can provide all the comfort Eddie needs."

Jamie paced for ten minutes like a caged animal. Finally the doctor came out, "Oh good, Jamie, I'm glad you're here. Eddie's been asking for you. Go on in and see if you can get her to eat when her pain subsides from the stitches."

Jamie agreed and hurried inside. Eddie had her eyes closed, she was paler than before and was perspiring. "Hey, sweetie, I'm here." He sat down by her side and took her right hand. "I'm sorry I wasn't here earlier, I was trying to close the Anderson case. I should have been here."

Eddie sighed, "You have your work. I understand, Jamie. You can't be here with me every minute of the day."

"No," he replied. "But you aren't out of the OR 24 hours, I should have been here."

Eddie opened her eyes and looked over at her husband. He was beating himself up pretty badly for this. His face looked drawn and his eyes were brighter than usual. "Oh, Jamie, please don't do this to yourself. I am okay, I got scared and yes I wanted you with me, so I asked Linda to get you but it's not your fault."

"You don't feel you can count on me, Eddie. You felt like you had to hide it from me," Jamie sighed getting up to pace. "You didn't think you could count on me to be there for you. When did that happen, Eddie? When did I fail?"

"Jamie, you didn't," Eddie insisted. "You didn't fail me. I did that because I know how upset you get when someone has cancer. You and I…we have the strongest marriage I have ever seen. I know how I would feel if you were in this bed and I was out there. I would be scared to death. I didn't want you to feel like that one minute longer than you had to, Jamie. Not one minute longer."

Eddie dropped back into her pillows, her strength waning. Jamie returned to her side and laid his head on her legs. He was so tired. Eddie felt her blankets getting wet and she knew he was letting it out. She didn't speak, she didn't have to speak. She stroked his short hair and hummed softly like she would to Joey or Lila. When he'd cried himself out, Jamie sat up. "What do you want to eat? What can you handle?"

"Wonton soup," Eddie replied. "I think I can hold that down. They doctor said if I feel well enough I can go home on Tuesday."

Jamie smile, "Home would be good Eddie. The children miss you. I'll be back with your Chinese."

True to their word, the doctors let Eddie out on Tuesday. She had yet to see her scars or react to losing the second breast. She talked nonstop about seeing her children and getting her life back to normal before starting chemo therapy.

"I'll be over at seven to change the dressing," Linda told Eddie as she helped her get settled. "Tomorrow morning Frank will bring the kids. I am hoping that you'll feel up to looking tonight so you and Jamie have some time. You need to look at your scars, Eddie. It is part of healing."

Eddie nodded, "I will. Tonight, can you teach Jamie how to change them? I think if we do that together it will make him feel like he's doing something and if he's with me I can look." Eddie looked down and sighed. "Linda, do you think if you have no breasts, and you're built kind of boxy…you can still be an attractive woman?"

Linda put her arm around Eddie, "I think you are an attractive woman. I think that you are beautiful and vivacious, spirited and smart….Jamie sees this in you, that's what he loves about you."

Linda's words were uplifting and Eddie felt a little better. She rested while Jamie as at the precinct. The Anderson case finally broke with Harper's brother being arrested for her sexual assault and her mother arrested for child endangerment. Jamie went into finish the paperwork and be present when they took Harper's brother to Riker's. The little one would be placed in a permanent foster home.

"Thanks for this one, Gordo," Jamie said when it was over. "I know I left you in a lurch. I'm not sure exactly how to balance things yet."

"Forget it, how's Eddie doing?"

"Well, she's home today. She still can't use her left arm very much and she hasn't let me see her without a baggy top on. In two weeks she's set to start her chemo and radiation. I think that's when we'll really see what we are dealing with caregiver wise. If she can handle the kids or if I need to get someone in besides my dad."

"You need me, you call. That goes for the entire squad," Gordo told him. "You want to get a beer really fast before you go home?"

Jamie nodded, he needed to decompress a little bit.

Two beers later Jamie got home. He found Eddie up and about fixing dinner. She was wearing her lymph edema stocking on her left arm and babying it a lot but still managing. Jamie walked over to her, "Go sit down I'll finish."

"No, you were at work and I was lying on the couch. I will finish, it's just spaghetti."

"Your arm, Eddie," Jamie sighed.

"I know but the doctor and the therapist said I have to use it and you have to help me exercise it later," Eddie said firmly. "Jamie, I want things to be as normal as they can be. You sit down and have another beer, I know you had a few already."

Jamie obeyed and had a seat though he chose soda instead of beer. Eddie got the plates out and had the meal on the table. Jamie watched her struggle but refrained from helping her. He knew that would be his lot in life for the coming months.

"Linda is going to teach you to change my bandages," Eddie told Jamie as they ate. "I want us to look at the scars before the kids get home. I don't know how I'll handle it and I don't want to scare them by seeing me fall apart."

Jamie agreed she was right. "Dad says Joey is still so solemn and now he's taken to picking on his sister again. I don't want to have to give him a spanking given all he's gone through."

Eddie's eyes flashed, "You try to spank that child Jamison Reagan…"

"Eddie, I know we don't usually do that, but troubled or not by your health problems he can't be mean to his sister and disrespectful to everyone else, I won't allow it."

Eddie agreed, "Let me talk to him first, if I can't get him to settle down then…do what has to be done but not too hard, Jamie."

As was usual, Jamie cleaned up the meal with Eddie. They settled on the sofa to watch TV until Linda came. When she arrived, she had Eddie and Jamie go to their bedroom to change the dressing. "First peel off the old dressing. The skin is still really tender so it hurts a little but you can't hesitate, just pull the tape back and get it over with." Eddie hissed as she did it but then it was over. "Clean the wounds with the antiseptic and apply the ointment. I'll do the left side you do the right side."

Jamie froze. It was just as Linda had said, no matter what he'd seen before this was his wife. The cuts were still fresh red and swollen. He focused on Linda's words and tenderly applied creams to his wife's skin. "You ready to look, Eddie?" Linda asked. "Jamie saw it, he's not shying away. Come and look."

Eddie took a breath and stepped in front of the mirror. Her breasts were gone and in their place, red, ugly scars against black staples and stitches. She felt her stomach turn and her knees go weak. "Hold her," Linda told Jamie. "Jamie, hold her."

Jamie held Eddie from behind, "It's all right," he whispered as she tried to break free. He didn't let her run which resulted in her being sick on the carpet. "Come on, let's lie down…" Jamie led her to their bed and laid with her. Eddie was shaking, she knew they were both gone but to see it…

Linda busied herself cleaning up the floor. "Oh, Linda I'll do it," Jamie told her but she kept right on going. Jamie kissed Eddie's hair, "You are beautiful. You breathing and warm in my arms, that is beautiful to me."

Still Eddie cried, Jamie had his turn with his father and his brother, now it was Eddie's chance and he had to be as supportive of her as she would be of him. He gently rocked and cooed sounds to soothe but not to stop the flow of tears. It was good for her to let it all go and cleanse her spirit. When it was over and she was quiet, Jamie spoke, "It's over now, that hard part is over. All you have to do now is heal."

Jamie didn't know what he'd just said, the hard part wasn't over, the hard part hadn't even begun.

Next in Tough – Eddie undergoes her first chemo treatment. Joey plays his exhibition game. Frank and Peter face off.


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer and Notes: I do not own Blue Bloods only Joey and Lila Reagan. I do not own Craig Morgan's song, Tough.**

Chapter Fifteen

"Just lie back and relax," the nurse instructed as she hooked Eddie up to her chemotherapy line. "The infusion will take a few hours, then we'll see how you are feeling. You can go home after the infusion is over."

Eddie sighed. She already had blood drawn and a saline IV. Now the nurse had inserted the canula into her vein and was beginning her first full dose. The doctor explained how it would work. An infusion today, then another in twenty days and so on. She would see the doctor on day nine and day nineteen. In between that time, she would be receiving radiation. It sounded daunting because it was.

Jamie went back to work three days ago. Eddie had regained about 80% of her arm function but had plateaued the last week. The edema was still present but that was subsiding too. All in all she was feeling pretty good, but after today, who knew?

Linda was at her side as the drugs started to flow into her veins. She had brought a portable DVD player and some old movies to watch. Jamie had pulled the 8-4 tour and would be home to take care of things if Eddie needed. "Oh I love this film," Eddie laughed when she saw Cheaper by the Dozen on the screen.

"Danny used to tease Jamie he was FedExed because he was so much more patient and calm that the rest of the Reagans, even more than Erin," Linda remembered.

"I wish he'd show more of that famous patience with Joey," Eddie sighed. "He's been out of line, I admit that but it's not easy on a seven year old boy to watch their mom be sick. A few nights ago, I over did it and used my arm too much. It swelled up really badly so Joey went to get the ice pack for me like he's seen Jamie do. He spilled some stuff out of the freezer and Jamie just went off on him. Yelling at him, punishing him with a time out. And he won't listen to me Linda."

Linda paused the movie, "Jamie is under a lot of stress, just like you are, but I agree he shouldn't be taking it out on Joey. Tell you what, after you feel like yourself again from this treatment, I'll take the kids and you and Jamie have a heart to heart. In the meantime, have Frank or me or someone from the family there just to provide support."

Eddie wasn't sure. They wanted to keep things normal but at the same time she was concerned about Jamie's stress. "He's worried about so much. He's not eating well and he's not sleeping. Maybe Danny can talk to him, Frank has tried and hasn't listened to him. He just keeps saying that it's not the same as when his mom was sick…"

"It's not, you have very young children," Linda said with sympathy in her voice. "And they process differently, and they always find a way to make things their fault."

"My baby boy is hurting so much and I don't know what to do for him. I hold him all I can and I tell him how proud I am of him. He's excited about his game on Saturday…"

"His game is Saturday. Eddie, you probably won't be able to go. You are going to be experiencing side effects by then and with this cocktail they are strong."

"I have to be there, Linda. I haven't missed one of Joey or Lila's events, I'm not going to start now."

Linda admired Eddie's tenacity, but that was no match for a chemo cocktail.

The three hours passed quickly with movies and conversation. Linda drove Eddie home and set her up on the sofa. "Take this pill on schedule. You'll still feel lousy but it will help take the edge off. Are you sure you don't want me to stay, I can call Jack and have him get the kids from school in the squad car? That might be easier than you meeting their bus."

"No, I'll be fine. I have my water, my trash can…and the remote. I'm just going to lie here and wait for my kids. Jamie will be home by 4:30 and if he's late, Frank is going to come over to help."

Linda patted Eddie's knee and left her to rest. Eddie already had a headache and her bones ached. She leaned back and shut her eyes. The next thing she heard was the sound of her phone alarm reminding her to get up and meet her kids at the door. The room spun and she had to sit down and vomit before she could make it to the door.

She was just in time to meet them getting off at the corner. "Hey, how was your day?" Eddie asked hugging them both. "Lila, did you make that picture today?"

"Mommy, are you sick again?" Joey asked her observing her perspiration and her pale face.

"Mommy had her special medicine today and it upset my tummy a little. So we're going to go inside and get into house clothing then you two will do homework. Daddy is going to bring home some dinner okay?"

Joey nodded, "I will hold the door for you Mommy." Eddie's heart melted at how hard he was trying. She decided she would not let Jamie snap at their son again without consequences of his own.

The kids did their homework at the coffee table while Eddie supervised. Jamie got home at 4:45. "Hey, who wants burgers?" he asks coming in. He sets the bag down and hugged both of his kids then kissed Eddie.

"How did it go today?" he asked then saw the tied up plastic bags. "Oh, I'm sorry honey."

"It's okay, I don't feel very bad, just like I have a little flu," Eddie replied. "But my stomach is not so good so I can't eat a burger, I don't feel like I can have much to eat."

"I will fix anything you want, you just rest today and relax." Jamie dropped some kisses on her hair, "You are such a trouper through this. Oh, I talked to your dad and he's coming to Joey's game."

"About that," Eddie said going to stand near Jamie as he got eh kids food ready. "Linda says I might be too sick to go but you have to promise me if you wheel me in on a stretcher I will be there to watch him."

"Eddie, Joey is going to have to understand…"

Eddie cut him off. "No, Jamie, he's not going to have to understand. He is seven years old. He is growing up way too fast trying to help and please you which he can't seem to do anymore. He is trying so hard to cope with this…we all are, but he is a little boy. He is my little boy and sick or not sick you are going through me from now on if you are going to press this child. You are not being fair to him."

Jamie sighed, "Eddie, your being sick isn't going to excuse bad behavior."

"No, but it does excuse mistakes," Eddie replied. "You are making him afraid of you Jamie. I was sick today when I met the bus and instead of him wanting to call his Daddy he did it himself, he opened the door and he covered me with the blanket. Up until a few weeks ago, if he saw me feeling ill, he would have been calling you on the phone to tell you. You know it's true."

Jamie sighed, "I guess I have been hard on him. I just want him to help out and be the good little guy we raised him to be. I don't like him picking on Lila or talking back."

"I know that, and we can deal with that, Jamie. We…" Eddie moved her hand back and forth. Jamie caught her hand and kissed it.

"I'll apologize to him later, now please go lie down and rest. You look so tired. Please…"

Eddie agreed, she felt tired and sore. She lowered herself to the couch and rested watching her family mill around her. She dozed on and off keeping one ear tuned on the goings on around her. She heard Jamie ushering Lila off to bed, "Go give kisses to Mommy then I'll read your book. Joey, fifteen minutes, Daddy wants to talk to you."

"Jamie," Eddie called out from the couch. "Please go easy…"

"Don't worry, honey. I am just going to talk to him, tell him I'm sorry. Do you want to go into the bed first?" Eddie was looking pale and she was sweaty.

"Actually, I think I want to take a bath. I am so achy and I feel gross."

"You need help?" Jamie stood over her as she slowly stood up. The dizziness was a challenge and Eddie leaned on Jamie as they walked to the bedroom. "You run the tub but wait for me to help you inside okay? You are too shaky and you might fall."

Eddie agreed with that and sat on the toilet as Jamie put Lila to bed. He returned and held her arm as she got into the bathtub. "You're healing really well," he observed looking at her scars. "Hardly any redness at all."

Eddie smiled, "And I can at least move my arms and hug my kids."

"Yes, you can," he replied. "Okay you have your soak okay and I'll be back to help you after I put Joey to bed." Jamie leaned over and kissed her lips. "I love you."

Eddie leaned back and shut her eyes. She hadn't been able to bathe for a few weeks at least not like this and she missed it.

Joey was in his bed when Jamie got finished with Eddie. "You all ready Buddy?" Jamie asked.

Joey nodded, "Is Mommy okay?"

"Yeah, Mommy is taking a bath," Jamie replied. "Listen, Joe…I think that lately I've been a little rough on you. Sometimes I forget you are just seven years old. You are such a big grown up boy. I don't expect...I'm sorry Joey. I'm sorry I've been short with you and that I yelled at you."

Joey fidgeted in bed. "It's okay. I'm scared and I get it all mixed up," Joey sighed. "You say Mommy is going to be okay, that it's going to be okay but Mommy is different now. Her bumps are gone and she's all sweaty and she threw up in the trash box.'

"I know she did, and Mommy will probably get a lot sicker before she gets well again. I know it will be so hard and I know you are scared. Tell you a secret, I'm scared too. So is Mommy, but Joey…it's okay to be scared. Don't hide that you are scared. That's what I was doing and that's why I was so short tempered with you."

"It's okay, Daddy," Joey said with a yawn. "I still love you."

Jamie's heart melted as he hugged his son. "I love you too, Buddy. Now you get some sleep…"

The next few days were rough. Eddie's side effects were stronger than she anticipated them being. She threw up almost on the hour, her body throbbed with aches and sometime the room spun so heavily she almost blacked out. Jamie tended to her as often as he could. He worked only as much as was required riding a desk so he could be home at night for his family.

Saturday was Joey's long awaited game. The exhibition had been postponed three times for weather but that Saturday dawned bright and crisp.

"Eddie, I don't want you to do this," Jamie said for the tenth time. "You aren't strong enough baby, you are barely able to stand up."

"This is my little guy's game and I'm going to be there Jamie. I'll bundle up good and stay close. We'll sit down in the front so I don't have to climb. Danny was going to save us all seats."

Jamie knew it was a losing battle Even her father's attendance wasn't enough to deter her.

Jamie drove Joey to the field. Peter was already there having been delivered by drive a few minutes before hand. Joey ran to hug him, he never really saw this grandparent. "Oh look how big you got!" he exclaimed. "You ready to play ball?"

Joey nodded then ran off to find his friends. "How's my girl?" Peter asked.

"Okay, she's had her first chemo so she's a little sick but she's not too bad considering. She'll be here a little later with Lila. My sister in law is bringing them over."

Slowly the Reagan family began to gather at the field. As soon as Frank laid eyes on Peter his attitude changed. He found Jamie who was busy fixing Joey's padding. "What the Hell is he doing here?"

"Nice, Dad," Jamie said nodding at Joey. "You're all set, go get 'em tiger!" Jamie turned to his Dad, "He's Eddie's father, he is their grandfather and I invited him. Eddie going through a lot, she needs all the support she can get."

"Not from him she doesn't," Frank snapped. "All he has ever done is upset her. She's going through something terrible and she needs…"

"Her family," Peter replied knowing he was the topic of that particular conversation. "She's my daughter, I'm going to help with her as much as she'll let me. That includes paying for any extra medication or treatment she might need to stay alive. I know all about you," Peter said smartly. "I know you let your kids dangle in the wind to protect your precious reputation. I might have made my mistakes but my girl knew I loved her, even when she hated me!"

"How dare you!" Frank snapped his usually controlled Reagan temper boiling to the surface. "I have always put my kids first, always! That was the reason that I never did step in on their behalf…but why do I justify myself to you! You of all people you abandoned your daughter for a few measly dollars!"

Jamie sighed, Eddie and Linda were approaching and their fathers were nose to nose. She didn't need this now, "Hey, you two knock it off! Eddie is here, she does not need this today. She shouldn't be here but she is because this is Joey's moment so you two act your age and share in this time for your mutual grandson or both of you go the Hell home." Jamie stormed off towards his wife. Danny was helping her sit down and wrapping her in a blanket. "Hey, you okay? Jamie?" he asked seeing his red face.

"I'm fine, sweetie,' he replied. "I'm just fine…" Jamie put his arms around Eddie and held her tight. This was their son's special day and nothing was going to ruin that.

Next in Tough – Eddie receives an offer from her father. Jamie considers his next career move.


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer and Notes: I do not own Blue Bloods only Joey and Lila Reagan. I do not own Craig Morgan's song, Tough.**

Chapter Sixteen

Joey's team won their game. He scored the winning field goal with one of his power kicks. He ran to his family when the game was over and was caught by Jamie. "Way to go little man!" he said swinging him around. "I'm so proud of you."

"We won the game!" Joey exclaimed. "Did you see it Mommy?"

Eddie smiled but didn't get up from where she was sitting. "I did see it, honey. That was a really long kick. I knew when you were in my tummy that you were going to be an incredible kicker, come here and give me a hug."

Joey hugged her tight. Jamie could tell Eddie was fading and fast. She needed to get home and get her rest. "Okay, Joey we're going to go out and get some pizza but first I'm going to take Mommy home so she can get some rest."

Joey's face fell, "Can we have the pizza home?"

"You don't want to go to the restaurant and play the games, Joey?" Frank asked. "You can use the pool table in the back room for doing so well."

"I want to stay with Mommy," Joey replied. Eddie sighed, "Of course and we are going to the backroom at McCory's to enjoy pizza and cakes and ice cream, come on now."

Eddie stood slowly and took Jamie's arm, the look in her eyes said, "Don't start on me, Jamie. This is our son's special day, I'm not going to ruin it."

"Eddie," Jamie sighed. "You are dead on your feet. You need to rest."

"I will, tomorrow I can rest. This is very important to me, please, Jamie."

Peter heard his daughter's request, "I can stay in town and help out tomorrow."

"That's nice of you, Dad but Jamie's off tomorrow. We can handle it…You can come down in a few weeks though if you like and have dinner. Stay and help when Jamie is on nights." Eddie was not at ease with this but she wanted to take the olive branch her father offered.

"I'd love to Edit, I think I will," Peter replied. "Sweetheart, you know if you want to have someone keep house for you and get meals while you are sick…I will foot the bill."

"I'll have to talk it over with Jamie," Eddie replied. 'Thanks Dad…"

It felt odd to Eddie that her father was offering so much. She knew he felt badly for his past mistakes but it was strange to think of accepting his help.

Frank saw to it that the back room was empty and utilized just for the family. The pool cue was bigger than Joey was but Jamie helped him set up his shots. Eddie helped Lila with hers showing her how to use the stick and aim for the ball. Only those who knew her best could tell how much she was fighting.

"Eddie, try to eat," Jamie encouraged when their pizzas came.

She shook her head, she was so tired and didn't have much strength left. "I can't…Jamie please…"

He stood closer to her, "Do you need me to get Danny to take you home? Or your Dad can go with you I his hired car and stay until I get home? You can hardly hold yourself up."

"I need to be here for Joey," Eddie protested. "He is getting short changed as it is. Just….if you cut the pizza I think I can manage…my arms ache."

Jamie understood she still had pain from her surgery, especially in her left arm. The other arm often hurt from being overused and held off balance. "Okay…I'll cut it and you try to eat one slice all right?" Jamie shielded the plate so no one saw him do this. Eddie usually put away half a pie alone now he had to argue with her to eat one slice. Was this what the chemo was going to do to her?

"Here you go," Jamie said offering her the plate. "Here's some water…try to get it down. If you start to feel sick tell me."

Eddie ate the pizza and at back in her chair. Jamie went to play with the kids, so Peter took the opportunity to talk to his daughter.

"How are you doing?" he asked sitting down. "You have to eat more than that."

"I can't right now, Dad…" She looked little again. Her eyes were so dark and her face looked pale and drawn. "Jamie will fix me something when we get home, or get me a yogurt or something."

"The chemotherapy started this week?" Peter confirmed.

"Yeah, it just made me feel like I had the flu, it wasn't so bad. I'm just worried about my kids, I can't keep after them like I could when I'm feeling well. In a few days I should feel normal again for a little while."

They talked a short while more before Jamie approached Eddie with the kids in tow. "You ready sweetheart?" he asked. "Joey, hold Mommy's hand as we go to the car all right?"

Joey obeyed and held onto Eddie tight. Jamie secured both children in their seats and drove home. He asked Joey to hold Lila so he could help Eddie with the stairs. "You go snuggle up in bed, I'll take care of them and be in shortly."

Jamie did an accelerated bedtime for the kids, reading them the same story and having prayers as a unit. He kissed both of them and went to check on Eddie. He saw her struggling to get her shirt off without wincing.

"Here, let me do that." Jamie approached her and slowly removed the shirt. "I'm going to bend your arm just for a minute." When the arm was exposed it was swollen. "You need your compression stocking on your arm when you're going to be using it so much. Lie down."

Eddie didn't need to be told that twice, she stretched out on their bed as Jamie began to rub her arm in slow circles gently circulating the fluid that built up there. "Is that better?"

Eddie nodded, "I'm sorry, I forgot all about it. I didn't think it was still a problem."

"You need that stocking for at least six more weeks," Jamie replied. "And elevating the arm too." He propped the offending limb on pillows. "How about some tea and cookies? Not good for you but it's food."

Eddie agreed to eat that. As she sipped the tea she mentioned to Jamie her father's offer. "No, we can manage ourselves. My dad and Linda are helping with the children. I'm sure I can keep up with the cleaning."

"I knew that's what you would say, but it was nice of him to offer anyway," Eddie smiled. "I think if I let myself I can feel better when he comes to see the kids. Maybe."

Jamie kissed her head, "I know it's hard, but I don't want you to have regrets. That's all. When is your appointment with the radiation doctor?"

"My consultation and simulation are Monday and if that goes well I start my treatments on Wednesday," Eddie replied. "You're still coming with me?"

"Yes, I am coming with you. I have questions about whether or not it's smart to do radiation and this heavy dosage of chemotherapy."

"I don't think it's a choice, Jamie," Eddie replied. "I think we have to hit it and hit it hard. Poison it and whatever that doesn't kill we burn out."

"Yes, but you have good cells too that we are poisoning and burning." He knew Eddie was right but his instinct was to make sure and to protect, he had not choice, it was just who he was."

Sunday dinner was a calm affair. Erin and Linda made a large pot roast, Jamie's favorite, with potatoes, carrots and fresh rolls. Against Jamie's wishes, Eddie decided the family would attend the Sunday meal. "I'm not going to let this affect my life any more than it has to do," she informed him that morning. "That means taking our children to church and going to dinner with the family. If I get tired, there are plenty of beds."

The family was surprised to see Jamie and Eddie at dinner with their kids. "We thought you were staying home," Frank said to Jamie as he poured him a drink.

"So did I and if I got my way more often we'd be home now. She insisted on coming and she's going to insist on helping. I admire her courage, I really do…but she isn't going to be able to keep up this pace as she gets further into the treatments and I'm scared of what it might do to her when she can't keep up anymore."

"One step at a time, Kid," Danny advised. "Linda and Erin won't let her overdo it. Nikki is here to help too. Right now she feels well enough to push a little, so let her. She knows her body and what she can and cannot handle."

Jamie was comforted by Danny's words, at least for the moment. He sipped his drink and watch Sean play with the kids. He rarely had a Sunday off so it was very nice that he was there with them.

Erin put Eddie to work on peeling carrots and potatoes. She could sit down and use her right hand to complete the repetitive motion. Linda could see that Eddie was a little irritated, "What's wrong?" she asked taking a minute to sit down.

Eddie sighed, "Jamie. He is treating me like I'm…he practically insisted that I stay home today. We have two young children, I can't just lie around in bed. And I don't feel that bad, at least not yet."

"Jamie's always been a worrier," Erin replied stirring the sauce. "He had frown lines as a new baby…that's just how he is. He'll feel safe and back off soon enough."

"I have my radiation consult and simulation tomorrow, I think he's sweating that one out."

"That one is no big deal," Linda replied. "It'll dry your skin out and make you itchy and tired but other than that…"

"I know, I made it through the first round of chemo and I'm not that bad off…I still feel achy and tired, but it's not so bad."

"The second wave of that will start in a few days, dizziness, bone pain, more fatigue," Linda reminded her. "As you have more dosages things will happen, mouth sores, rashes, depression even…"

"I'm not the type to get depressed. I just had both my breasts cut off, I didn't get depressed…Oh you mean hair loss…that causes it, the depression."

Linda nodded, "But I will be there, Jamie will be there, you aren't alone."

"I know…" Eddie focused on her work, refusing to let herself be held down or defined by her illness.

Eddie's appointment was at 2 pm the next day. Jamie went to work that morning as usual. He sat down at his desk and started to work when Gordo came up to him, "Jamie, we have two fresh ones in midtown. I know we don't usually do homicides, but we are it and the main witness, it's a kid about Joey's age."

Jamie sighed, "Okay, all right…let's go…" He knew now he might not make Eddie's appointment but he didn't want to get her upset until he knew. The crime scene was a mess, blood and brain matter on the walls and the floor and a little seven year old girl cowering behind a potted plant. Jamie went over to her and knelt down, "Hi, I'm Detective Reagan…what's your name?"

"Brooke," she replied playing with her shoe.

"Brooke, that is a pretty name…how old are you Brooke?"

The lead detective on the homicide case stopped Gordo, "What's he doing with our witness?"

"Probably getting her to give him a more useful statement than anyone in your squad, Russell," Danny said as he strolled into the scene. He was the one who arranged for Jamie to be there. That little girl knew the killer's identity and Jamie would have it out of her in half the time it would take someone else.

"He's property crimes and sometimes he does sex crimes, he's not eligible…" Russell protested.

"Last I checked, this is my squad and if I want to ask in another team…I will," Danny replied.

IN an hour Jamie had the little one out of her hiding place and heading to the precinct with a child advocate to take her statement, "I have to go by one, Danny. It's Eddie's consult."

"Dad's going to go with her," Danny replied. "We need you on this kid. You make this, you and Gordo…a bump to homicide…with a specialty like yours and the law…a nice raise…Detective first grade…"

Jamie had been waiting a long time for that. "I can't just not show up…"

"Eddie is a cop, she will understand things happen."

Jamie sighed but agreed that the opportunity was too good to pass up. It would mean more money for the family, with they would need as Eddie continued her treatment. "I'll have to talk to Eddie but for today I think the mom in her will understand. I'll see you at the 5-4."

Jamie headed back to Danny's squad thinking about what the poor little girl went through. Meanwhile it was approaching 1 pm, he would never be back in Staten Island in time to pick up Eddie

Eddie got her purse and stood outside waiting for Jamie. She was not expecting Frank to pull up and come to escort her to his car. "Jamie got stuck, he caught a case…"

"A case? He's on a desk while this is going on," Eddie said suddenly feeling nervous and upset. "We agreed to that."

"Danny called me, he said he needed Jamie on a case, and asked me to take you to you appointment," Frank replied. He knew that was a mistake.

Eddie got in the car but Frank could tell from the set of her jaw that she was angry. "Jamie didn't even call you himself?"

"No, I think Jamie was already in too deep when he realized he wouldn't make it…but hey, afterwards I'll buy you a nice lunch." Frank started the engine and headed off.

Next in Tough – Jamie is in hot water with Eddie, Eddie begins her radiation treatments while trying to be an involved wife and Mom.


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer and Notes: I do not own Blue Bloods only Joey and Lila Reagan. I do not own Craig Morgan's song, Tough.**

Chapter Seventeen

"I want you to eat as much as you want," Frank told Eddie after she completed her consultation and simulation. She would begin her radiation therapy on Wednesday and attend Monday through Friday for ten weeks. It was going to take a long time to penetrate the tissue the cancer had infiltrated.

"I'm not really hungry, Frank, but thank you," Eddie replied. "I can't believe Jamie did this. We sat down and had this talk, it's not like I just expected him to be there. We had this talk. Once I came clean and told him what was happening, we had this talk."

"I know you're upset, sweetheart. Jamie is in a hard place. Your treatments will cost a lot more than you two have in your nest egg. If he gets a promotion the benefits get better, the paycheck gets bigger and he worried less."

"My father could help, he offered money and to hire some help but Jamie is stubborn…"

"Jamie won't touch is money, Eddie. I know he is your dad but it's ill gotten gains even if he served his time. I have money saved, I can help."

Eddie nodded, "I know, Frank and I appreciate it. But this isn't about money, it's about Jamie feeling like he has to be a man in his big brother's eyes, when he already is one of the best men I know. That doesn't mean he's off the hook, because believe me he is not."

Jamie got home at five that night. He knew Eddie would be upset with him so he played it calm and slow. "Hey honey," he said smiling at her. She was in the kitchen making the kids their dinner, hot dogs and mac and cheese. Not a meal he particularly enjoyed.

"Hello," Eddie said coldly. "If you want to eat there's more in the pot." She sat down not making his plate and said grace with their kids. They both could sense the tension in the room. Jamie at his supper in silence as did the rest of the family.

When the dishes were cleared from the table Joey took Lila's hand, "Come on Lila, we have to go play in the other room." Even the seven year old could tell that his parent's had to air something out. They didn't fight much but when they did it started like this.

When Eddie heard Joey's door shut she turned around with her arms crossed over her chest. "Did we or did we not have this talk?"

"Eddie, I'm sorry…" Jamie began. "A little girl witnessed a murder of both of her parents. Danny wanted me to…."

"Danny wanted you to what?" Eddie asked. "You aren't even in the homicide squad, you are in the property crimes and sexual assault unit. What business do you have at a murder!"

"It's a good opportunity," Jamie defended. "It will make things easier. It will pay the bills for your treatments."

"We have insurance to pay for that! We can ask my Dad to help with that, your dad can help with that. When Lila gets older, I can go back to work and we can pay them back. I know I kept you in the dark Jamie, and I am sorry for that. But we had this talk. We talked about us being at team once I told you the truth. What happened?" Eddie was very upset and started to pace.

"I had to make a choice," Jamie replied. "If I advance my career now, it's good for all of us. I'm going to forty, if I don't make first grade soon I might as well quit all together and get a job in a personal injury firm."

Eddie started to do dishes, she always put her anger into her housework. "Maybe you should do that then! Jamie, I get that you have an important job, I really do. In fact, the whole idea of you going on a desk while I was sick was your idea! You were the one that said how important that was to you. If you changed your mind, that is find, but you could have at least taken enough time to call your father yourself!"

"I didn't know Danny did that until later, Eddie. I still planned on trying to get there." Jamie stood up and went over to her. "I'm so sorry Eddie. I really am sorry."

He touched her shoulders and she stiffened. "You promised me Jamie," Eddie snapped. "You promised me that if I was honest with you from now on you would be there for me, that we would fight this as a team. Well you didn't keep your promise, you chose your brother and your job over me and this family. You do that all the time and I get you are close to your family, but I needed you today."

Jamie sighed, "Eddie, I…I am thinking of you and of this family, our little family. We need more money, we need better benefits, we need the things we will get if I make 1st grade." 

"Damn it Jamie!" Eddie slammed the pans in the sink. "You just do not get it. I have cancer, I have an aggressive breast cancer that might kill me. You promised you are going on the desk until I get well. That isn't for me, that isn't about me and my treatments or helping me keep house or any of that. That is about you not getting SHOT and KILLED and leaving our babies orphans if I die of this!"

"You aren't going to die, Eddie," Jamie said firmly. He turned her in his arms and met her steely blue eyes. "You are not dying, I won't let you die…"

He held her closer in spite of her anger but she pulled back. "Jamie you don't know that, you cannot know that. Most people that get this as badly as I got it, in the bones and in the lymph nodes, those people die Jamie. I can't die in peace if I am worried that you will be killed on the streets and leave my babies without parents."

"They are our babies, Eddie and you aren't dying! Stop saying that you are dying!" Jamie voice broke and he started to pace. "Did they say that today? That you were…"

"No, they said I had an advanced case and I need high dosages to kill the bad cells. They said I will feel sick and tired, more than I do now. They said my chest might burn, that my skin will itch, blister, and peel off. I will look more hideous than I do now," Eddie informed him still with flat emotion. "I will have to fight and fight hard to beat this thing and I am going to do that, but there are no guarantees that I will be victorious. I'm sorry Jamie, I have to ask you again, stay on a desk until I get better or until I am not here to worry about my kids anymore."

Jamie knew he screwed up. He had been thinking of the family, that was true and of furthering his own career. He had no idea that Eddie was this scared for their kids. She had a great attitude, full speed ahead nothing letting it get her down. What she'd heard today must have frightened her very much and he had not been there to support her."

"All right, let me finish with the little girl in the morning. I'll turn her interview over to the squad detectives and they can handle it from there. When you beat this thing, I will worry about promotion. We can celebrate them both at once."

Jamie reached for Eddie again and this time she let him hold her. She felt his tears on her hair and sighed, "Jamie…"

"I can't lose you, Eddie. I can't…" He hiccupped and held her even tighter. Soon she was crying too, her fear coming out in the safety of her husband's embrace. "I am going to try so hard, I promise. I'm sorry I got angry, I…I am scared, but not for me. I'm scared for you and for Joey and Lila. I know I'll have the easy part if it comes to that, but you and the kids…"

"I know, I know…" Jamie rocked slightly to soothe her tears. They heard little feet approaching and looked to see Joey. "Lila's thirsty. Are you okay Mommy?" He looked at her and his father in tears and got scared. His face crumbled and he began to cry.

"Come here little man," Jamie invited open his arms. "It's okay Buddy, don't cry. Daddy hurt Mommy's feelings that's all. Don't cry." Jamie picked him up and the three of them hugged. Eddie let Jamie hold Joey and pour Lila some juice.

She looked at him and motioned with her head she was going to Lila's room so Jamie could calm Joey. Jamie kept his son in his arms until he sat down with him at the kitchen table, "I'm sorry you had to see this, Joey," Jamie sighed. "Remember how I explained that Mommy and Daddy get scared sometimes because Mommy is sick? Today, Daddy made a really bad choice and it made Mommy get more scared and more upset. This was Daddy's fault, okay?"

Joey nodded, "Mommy was crying when grandpa picked us up at school, and she told Aunt Linda she was so ugly now. Mommy isn't ugly, she's the prettiest Mommy ever."

Jamie kissed Joey's head, "You bet she is son, and I think that maybe you should tell her that. "

Joey ran off with enthusiasm to tell his Mom he thought she was still the prettiest Mommy in the whole world. It warmed Jamie's heart how much is children loved their Mom. He finished straightening the kitchen, then went to check on the kids. Eddie was between both of them on Lila's bed, reading a book. She laughed out loud and dropped her head back, her entire face alight. She fell asleep with one arm around each child…Jamie slept in the rocking chair that night, wanting to be close to his family.

Jamie was sure to be at Eddie's first radiation treatment on Wednesday. He was aggravated the day before when he wasn't credited with obtaining little Brooke's statement, but he wouldn't be credited with the collar anyway. He needed to let his ambition fall by the wayside and focus on his family. Eddie had a point, even if his colleagues didn't understand it.

Jamie sat with Eddie holding her hand, "This part is easy huh?" he asked. "I read all the pamphlets you got on Monday and it says that this doesn't hurt at all. You might have dry skin and a light sunburn but other than that…"

"That's this time but eventually the skin will dry and peel. I'll be exhausted…but at last it won't hurt like the chemo does. The chemo burns when it goes in."

Jamie put his arm around her shoulders and kissed her head. "It's going to be rough for the next few months, but we'll make it. You'll see."

Eddie was called back five minutes later. Jamie couldn't go into the treatment room with her so he sat and read a magazine while he waited for her to come out. The whole thing only took about twenty minutes. "How do you feel?" Jamie asked collecting her and her appointment card for the next day.

"Okay, I feel good. Hungry. Do you have time for a bite before you go back to work?"

Jamie beamed, she said she was hungry. She hadn't said that since her chemo ten days ago. "Yeah I think I can swing another hour. What about the Greek diner?"

"Lamb gyros?" Eddie licked her lips as they headed to the restaurant.

Five days a week for radiation, four hours every third week chemotherapy, weekly radiation evaluations, oncologist appointments on days nine and nineteen…Jamie kept track of it all on a little calendar in his pocket.

By the time Eddie's next scheduled chemo came around, she'd had nine radiation sessions and it was starting to catch up to her. Every night he massaged moisturizer into to the skin along her breast bone, and her shoulder. She was starting to go to bed earlier and wake up later. Instead of being dressed and ready for the day when he left for work, she was still in his clothes or her own pajamas. Still, breakfast was made, the coffee was ready and the kids were spic and span going off to school. Eddie kept up a remarkable effort to ensure her family did not suffer due to her illness.

Her second chemo session as on Jamie's day off. He made arrangements for Linda to watch the kids that night and took Eddie to her treatment. The nurse inserted the canula and started the drip. Eddie winced as the fluid began to flow and burned her skin. "So now what?" Jamie asked as the medicine went into Eddie's veins.

"Now we sit and wait until it's done. I get my shot for nausea and we go home. I lay on the sofa until I start to throw up then eventually I lay down in bed…it's pretty simple really, just a little messy." Jamie smiled at her, "Messy I can deal with. I think it's amazing how you are managing to keep up with everything. I can handle taking care of you for a few days."

Jamie turned on the DVD player and put in a movie, one of Eddie's favorite. Three Men and a Baby…laughing at the ridiculous antics of the three wanna be dads made the treatment go faster. Soon the nurse came to disconnect Eddie from the IVs and injected her anti-nausea medication. "If it is too much you can call and we'll get you a script for something stronger. Each time you have a treatment the side effects might get a little stronger. If you need us, just call the 24 hour nurses' line."

Eddie was already sweaty and shaky by the time she got out of the chemo chair. Jamie held her arm and helped her walk to the car. "I made a little bed in the back if you want to lie down. Rest your eyes on the drive."

Jamie drove the half hour to their house at a slower pace than normal. He didn't want to take a chance on upsetting Eddie's stomach by going too fast. When they got home Jamie settled her on the sofa with blankets and her pillow. "I have trash can for you here at the side of the couch, okay?"

Eddie nodded her head and laid down. "Can you just shut the blinds and get me a glass of water then you can do your day, I am going to take a nap."

Jamie got the water and brought a soft cool cloth. "I think I'll just sit by you if that's all right."

"Jamie, I am really really sore so please just don' touch me a whole lot okay?" Eddie felt like her skin and her bones were on fire. She hadn't felt this much pain as of yet, even from her surgery. It hurt to breathe and her skin felt as if she was being pricked with needles.

It was foreign for Jamie to hear Eddie ask to for him not to touch her. She loved to be held and cuddled especially when she didn't feel well. "I'll just stay close by and if you need me I will be here…rest…" Jamie gave her a feather light kiss on her hand and sat as still as a statue while Eddie drifted off to much needed sleep.

Next in Tough – Jamie nurses Eddie through the side effects of her chemo and radiation. Eddie asks Erin for legal advice.


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer and Notes: I do not own Blue Bloods only Joey and Lila Reagan. I do not own Craig Morgan's song, Tough.**

Chapter Eighteen

Six weeks had passed since Eddie's first treatments. She was now on her third round of chemo therapy and nearing the end of her radiation cycle. With each chemo cycle, Eddie's side effects became more and more severe. She struggled with nausea for nearly a week after each cycle and the pain in her joints especially her legs was severe. Just a few days ago, she noticed her hair starting to fall out in clumps on her pillow and in the bathtub drain. Eddie didn't trust her legs in the shower anymore, thus she opted to take baths.

She decided as she fished yet another huge clump of hair out of the drain it was time. She got down Jamie's electric razor, her own leg razor, and his shaving cream. With resignation and near defiance she left the bathroom and handed Jamie the tools as he sat on the sofa watching the hockey game.

"Thanks baby, but I shaved this morning," Jamie chuckled not really taking his attention off the game.

"Jamie, not for you," Eddie sighed. "It's time…I can't take it anymore. I want you to shave it off."

Jamie was still too engrossed in the game to react, "Shave what off?" he asked.

"Jamie!" Eddie snapped. "Look at me!" Her tone got his attention and he looked up. "I want you to help me shave my head, I can't take seeing my hair here, there, and everywhere. It's time…"

"Oh Eddie," Jamie sighed. "Your hair is still so pretty. It's one of your best features." He stood up and ran his hand lovingly through her blonde strands. A clump came out in his hand.

"Jamie, please. I need you to help me, I can't lift my arm that high and I need this to be done, please."

"Okay," Jamie agreed giving her a hug and picking up the hair shearing implements. "I'll have to prep the kids before they see you later sweetheart, it will scare them."

Eddie nodded tears coming to her eyes at his last comment, frighten her own children. Had it come to that?

Jamie took Eddie to the kitchen and laid some newspaper on the floor to catch her hair. He trimmed it down with scissors before shaving it first with his electric razor, then finishing it off with her lady bic and shaving cream. When it was done he stepped back and looked at her. Now she looked as sick as she actually was. The loss of her thick blonde mane made her appear small and weak. Jamie couldn't contain the emotions he felt and let a few tears escape.

Eddie sighed, "It'll grow back," she soothed and opened her arms to him. "I'm sorry, I just…My arm is still…" She still struggled to raise her left arm above shoulder level and it still swelled if she used it too much.

"It's okay, it's just…I always loved your hair, it is so pretty and so it's always been my favorite feature…"

Eddie suddenly looked down, "So what, I'm not…"

Jamie cut her off, "No, that's not it at all. You are still the most beautiful woman in the world, and I love you more each and every day, seeing how strong you have been through all of this so far." He kissed her forehead, "I think I am having a harder time with all of this than you are."

Eddie just held Jamie tighter. He was outwardly struggling more than she was but on the inside she felt horrible both physically and emotionally. She had very little strength to keep up her housework or to attend the kid's school events, but she managed. Now though, with no hair and no breasts she felt like a freak. She doubted she would be going out of the house much until the wig she ordered arrived.

"The kids will be back from my dad's in a few minute, I think I'll sit in the bedroom and let you tell them about my hair. Then we can order some dinner and just relax."

"That sound like a great idea," Jamie replied. "Oh, Erin called while you were in the tub, she said she'd see you at noon tomorrow."

"Oh yeah, I have to ask her something, and we're going to have some lunch," Eddie replied. In reality, she wanted to talk to Erin and make sure that her trusts would go to Jamie and then to Danny and Linda if something happened to her. She and Jamie decided that if both of them were to die Danny and Linda would raise their kids. With Jamie on a desk now it wasn't a concern, but if she lost her battle and he went back to the streets, it was a real possibility that Eddie wanted taken care of.

Eddie laid down on the bed thinking about this. Jamie's love and affection had diminished a lot since she'd gotten sick. He'd hold her, he'd say that he loved her and she knew it was true, but she missed the close intimacy of their relationship. She knew she had lost her womanly assets, and now what Jamie considered her best feature. How could she get him to see her as a real woman now?

Frank had taken Joey and Lila to Peter's Westchester house for a visit. They loved to play on the vast lawn surrounding the old house. Frank visited a retired detective while they played then returned to bring them home. He pulled up outside Jamie and Eddie's house and escorted them inside. He found Jamie sitting on the couch waiting for them. The look on Jamie's face spoke volumes to Frank. "Hey, Joey, take Lila to play in your room, okay, Grandpa is going to talk to Daddy."

The kids obeyed, they were used to Eddie's naps now and kept quiet knowing as soon as she woke up their Mommy would come looking for them. Frank sat on the couch next to Jamie when the kids were out of ear shot. "What's wrong, Son? Is she okay?'

"Oh yeah, she's fine," Jamie replied. "She had me shave her head today. Said she was sick of finding parts of it everyplace…" Jamie sighed. "I adjusted to seeing her without breasts, that was easy actually, but this…She looks sick now Dad. I can see how her face changed, her eyes are sunken, she's lost a lot of weight…It seems without her hair she just looks so ill."

Frank nodded, "She can get a wig."

"I know she can but it's like this disease is stealing from us, one thing at a time. First her breasts, then her overall health and energy, now her hair…Brings back too many memories of how all of this can go bad really fast."

"I know son," Frank put a comforting hand on Jamie's back. "I know it's hard, especially after your mom but Eddie is young, she is strong, and she has you there with her. Don't let this get you down…and don't let her get into a depressed place. It's much harder to fight to live when you lost your will to live."

His father's words penetrated to Jamie, "I will Dad. Thanks, I have to prepare the kids for seeing Eddie like this. We may or may not come to dinner this week, depending on how she feels. I don't like leaving her alone."

Frank understood, he knew how little energy Eddie had somedays and it was important to his son to be there for her. Frank took his leave, and Jamie went to talk to his kids. They were playing with Joey's soldiers on the floor. "Hey guys, I need to talk to you for a minute," Jamie said gently sitting on the floor by his kids. "Put on listening ears now and wait until Daddy is finished before you ask your questions." Jamie took a deep breath, "You remember how Mommy is taking special medicine to make her better?"

When they nodded Jamie continued, "Well, it makes you feel sick and tired, you know that, but it also makes your hair fall out of your head. So today, Daddy took Mommy's hair off so it didn't bother her when it was falling out and make her sad. Mommy is going to look very different, but she is still your Mommy and she still loves you very much, okay?"

Lila played with her shoe, "So Mommy is bald?" she asked with wide blue eyes.

"Yes, but she is still your Mommy and she loves you. If you two are quiet you can go on the big bed and see her."

Both kids headed straight to their parents' bedroom. Eddie was watching TV when they poked in and she opened her arms to them both. "Did you two have fun today?"

They chatted about what they did with their grandpa and how much fun it was to play outside. Eddie smiled, they didn't seem to have a reaction to her appearance, they were just glad she was there.

The next day was a radiation day, as were most week days. Erin was going to take Eddie to her treatment, then have lunch. The treatments were fifteen minutes, so Erin only had to wait a short while. They went to a deli near the hospital, "So what's going on? Usually you don't specifically ask me to go out, usually it just happens."

Eddie sighed, "Erin, I need your to help to make sure my kids are taken care of in case…With Jamie's job and my illness. If something happens to me and he is killed in the line, I need to make sure that my trust fund money is set up so Danny and Linda will receive and also, any inheritance that I would have from my father, I want that in a trust for them too. Can you do that or do I have to get a different lawyer?"

"I would recommend an estate planner, but that is something you and Jamie should do together," Erin advised.

"We can't," Eddie said quickly. "Jamie won't hear of it, he won't discuss it. Any time I bring it up he just shuts me down. I have at least three more months of this fight before I know what progress I've made, for my peace of mind, I have to get this taken care of now."

Erin covered Eddie's hand, "Okay, I'll make some calls to a few friends and they'll get you set up without Jamie's signature. Anything I can do to help you talk with Jamie? He usually listens…

"Not with this, I think that we'll be okay when I say this is done. He'll realize it is for our kids, I'm not planning on going anywhere; it's for me to feel secure."

As a mother, Erin understood how Eddie felt. She promised to make the calls and give Eddie the information at Sunday dinner if she attended.

When Sunday dawned Eddie was feeling well. Her chemo was the next day so she decided to go out and have fun with the family before another week of horror set in. They went to church near their house Eddie's head wrapped in a pretty blue scarf. People talked and pointed as she walked into the church with Lila and Joey holding her hands. When Mass was over some of the mom's from Joey's CCD class offered the names of wig makers, places to get scarves, etc. Eddie thanked them with a warm smile.

Jamie drove them to Bay Ridge, Eddie was all smiles. She felt well that day, but he knew it was the calm before the storm. Tomorrow would be her fourth chemo and each one had been worse. "Eddie, uh, I can't be there tomorrow, I have to be in a meeting until about four."

"Okay, I'll ask if your dad can drive me and pick me up. I can rest on the couch until you get home," Eddie replied. She was understanding with Jamie's job as long as he wasn't on the streets.

They parked in the driveway and went inside, the kids running to Frank then off to play with Nikki's baby girl. Jamie went to the left, Eddie went to the right. "Oh, Pop's lamb stew, that is the perfect fall meal,' Eddie commented as she sniffed what was in the pot.

"We made extra so you have it to take home for Jamie and the kids to eat," Linda told her. "And there is dough for bread just has to be baked. That is a gorgeous scarf, where did you get that?"

"Oh it was my mom's,' Eddie replied. "I don't have many things left of her's, but I did have this so…I think it looks nice with this dress."

The ladies worked together to get supper on. Erin slipped Eddie a paper with the estate planner's she'd spoken with and her proposal for the trust fund and guardianship. "I worked with a friend that does family law and she helped me get this ready. You can sign before a notary and it will go on the record with the trustee."

Eddie smiled, "Thanks Erin. I'll sleep better at night now that I know Linda and Danny will have all the funds they need to give our kids what they need without struggling themselves."

"We appreciate that Eddie but you are going to be fine," Linda assured her.

"I know that, it was just in case, I needed to know they were set in case."

Both mom's really got that and offered Eddie sympathetic smiles as they went about the business of making dinner.

Frank agreed to take care of Eddie's chemo the next day. Jamie would get out of the meeting in time to get the kids from school and bring them home. Frank's trusty sedan arrived for Eddie right on time. "I picked up some movies we can watch while you're being treated."

"Oh, you don't have to stay," Eddie said. "Jamie has a meeting at the squad or he would be here."

"I know, it's fine honey. We will watch a movie, you can rest and I will read my paper." Frank offered her a small smile.

The nurses set Eddie up with her treatment and Frank turned on the movie. Again she hissed as the medication burned her skin. Half way through the treatment, Eddie began to hurt. She felt hot and her skin crawled. Pain shot through every muscle fiber of her body. Frank noticed her discomfort, "What is it?" he asked gently.

"I am in so much pain, Frank," she admitted. "It really hurts…my skin is burning and I am so hot…"

Frank went into action. He got a cold cloth for her head and buzzed a nurse to give her something for the pain. He held her hand gently in his own, "It's all right honey…try to take some breaths and ride it out with me. The medication will help you soon."

Frank kept gently washing Eddie's face with the cool cloth. "Is that better?"

"A little, thank you," she smiled. "I'm going to just close my eyes for a few minutes…"

Eddie shut her eyes and let herself drift. Her father-in-law's ministrations were helping her pain and she was able to find some piece as the treatment continued then finished.

Frank asked for a wheelchair to get Eddie to his car. He held her tight as she transferred and put the visor down on her side of the vehicle. She felt a little better by the time they reached her house and only needed him to hold her arm.

"Are you sure you don't need me to stay?" Frank asked. He had a dinner but would gladly opt out in favor of caring for his daughter-in-law.

"Yes, I'm just going to sit here a bit then soak in the tub, it helps with the muscle aches. Thanks for today that never happened before."

"It's all right, I'm glad I was there to help. If you need me you call me," Frank said firmly and kissed Eddie' forehead as she laid on the sofa.

After a few rounds of vomiting and some muscle aches, Eddie worked her way to the bathroom and ran the warm water. She added bubbles and Epsom salts to the bath and sank into it. The warmth helped to soothe the spasms in her legs and back. She shut her eyes and rested. Jamie would be back soon with the kids. She would just rest until then…


	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer and Notes: I do not own Blue Bloods only Joey and Lila Reagan. I do not own Craig Morgan's song, Tough.**

 **This entire story is based upon my own life experiences and sadly, I will be facing this again. Updates for this story and Silver Linings may fall to twice week due to the fatigue associated with having to work while I am undergoing treatment. I hope that won't be the case, but I want my readers to know I am not giving up on the stories if updates are less frequent. Hope you are still enjoying this ride with Jamie and Eddie.**

Chapter Nineteen

Jamie glanced at his phone for the fifth time in ten minutes. The speakers and directors of the Manhattan South meeting were taking forever. It was four minutes to four and they weren't even half way through the agenda. He had seen six missed calls from his Dad over the last ninety minutes. He knew he'd taken Eddie to her chemo and if he was trying to reach him perhaps there was something wrong. Also, he was supposed to pick up their kids at school so Eddie could rest and not have to get down the stairs to meet their bus. He shot out a group text to his family, "Hey, stuck in a meeting. Anyone near the kids' school? If you can, please pick up and group text you did it. Thanks."

Not more than a minute later, Danny replied. "Five minutes away, got it covered. Will check on Eddie and fix dinner too."

Jamie replied with a smile face before seeing a text come back from his Dad. "Call me when you can, you need to know what happened today."

Jamie sighed, lately even pulling a desk he felt like he couldn't keep up with the demands of his job and his home. Eddie tried so hard, but things were starting to slip. They rugs were dirty because vacuuming caused her too much pain. Laundry was piled up in the baskets because she found putting it away very tiring. Even their dinners which were always carefully planned, were starting to consist of mainly frozen foods and quick fixes. He didn't complain about it and neither did she, but Jamie knew it took every precious resource for Eddie to keep the family functioning at the most basic level. Now, she was home alone after a treatment and he was stuck here unable to even reach her. Ten of his texts had gone unanswered.

He turned his attention back to the meeting relieved that Danny was covering for him with the kids, it was a treat for them to have alone time with him, usually it was with Linda. He knew that Joey would like it especially.

Back at the house Eddie's bath water had gone cold. Jamie was late, traffic was probably bad and the kids were waiting in the aftercare until he got there. The cold was causing her to shiver and her legs and shoulder to seize up. She tried to get to her feet but didn't have the ability to get up. Her legs cramped, she was far too weak from the chemo and the vomiting to stand up. She had no choice but to wait for Jamie.

Joey and Lila were thrilled to see their Uncle Danny picking them up. They ran to the car and gave him a big hug, "Where's our Daddy?' Joey asked.

"He got stuck at work, so I am taking you home. After we check on your Mom I will get you guys dinner," Danny promised.

He got them in the car and headed to their house. It was still pretty easy to park that time of day on their street so Danny pulled up across the street and held the kids hands as they walked to the house. He had a key, all of the Reagan siblings had keys to each other's houses. He let himself in so he wouldn't have to bother Eddie.

Frank called his son for the seventh time. It was very important that he tell his son what happened at Eddie's chemo. The poor girl had been in such pain, she was going to need his care and attention that night. Frank felt it would be prudent for Danny to keep the kids at his house but Jamie wasn't calling back. "Jamie, this is Dad again. I need you to call me. You should not have the children at the house tonight, Eddie will need your attention and care. Call me so I can fill you in."

He sighed, he knew his youngest was in over his head trying to work full time, take care of a sick wife, and care for two young children. When Mary was sick, the kids were grown, even Jamie was in college. He could focus all of his down time on her, for Jamie there was no down time. He wished they took him up on his offer of moving in with him but so far they hadn't seen fit to do that.

Frank tied his bow tie and got ready to head out to his dinner keeping the ringer on his phone on high so he would hear Jamie when he finally called back. It was nearing six o'clock. He got into his car but instead of heading to Manhattan, he turned and headed to Staten Island.

Eddie heard the front door open then close. Finally she could get out of this freezing water. She heard the kids run in and start to put their school bags away. "Jamie!" she called out her voice shaking. "Jamie, I need your help."

Danny heard Eddie calling from the bathroom. He looked around and saw the trash can near the couch nearly full of tied up shopping bags. "Joey, take Lila in the kitchen and you can each have two cookies. Uncle Danny has to check on your mom."

Danny made his way to the bathroom, "Eddie, it's Danny. Jamie's hung up at work. I'm going to come in."

"No, don't!" Eddie protested but it was too late. Danny had heard her call out for help, her voice sounded shaky and weak.

Danny pushed the bathroom door open and found Eddie in the tub. She had turned on her side trying to conceal her body from her brother-in-law. She was shaking, from cold, fatigue and now tears. Danny got closer, "Hey, it's okay. It's okay, it's just me, Eddie. Do you need help getting out of the tub?"

"I can't stand. My legs are weak and my back is cramped. I'm cold. Where is Jamie?" Eddie was in tears now thinking of Danny seeing her this way.

"He's at work, Eddie. I'm going to help you okay? Where do you keep your robe?"

"Closet on the left," Eddie sighed resigned to the fact that Danny was about to see her as only Jamie and Linda had stripping her of any dignity she might have had left.

Danny left to get Eddie's warm robe and came back in the bathroom. He realized in her current state there was no way he was going to get her out of the tub without seeing way more of his brother's wife than he had ever wanted to see. He went back to the bedroom leaving the robe on the bed so he could wrap her in it when he laid her down.

"Can you just turn and put your arms around my neck?" he asked. "I promise you, right now I'm a cop, okay? You know our training what we see in the field is just there, all right. We forget it once the crisis has passed."

Eddie sighed and turned, Danny was really shocked at what he saw but bit his lip to keep form betraying that to her. Where her breasts should be was nothing but blotchy, scaly, peeling skin and two pinkish scars revealing the procedure she'd undergone. She tried to lift her arms but the cold had seized up her left side pretty good. Danny had to help her get her left arm around his shoulder. "There we go, I'm going to carry you to the bedroom and get you all warmed up. It's okay…"

Danny could feel Eddie crying in his arms, her body was ice cold. This was not good for a woman in her current state of health. Danny was careful as he carried her to bed not to let the kids see. They were busy with cookies and their school work. He had to hand it to his brother and Eddie, they had really well behaved kids.

"Here we go, I'm going to lie you down on your robe and wrap you up?" Danny laid her on the bed and wrapped the robe around her. Next he got Jamie's robe and put it over her to keep her warmer. "Do you have medication for pain? Are you having pain? Nausea?"

"Nothing left," Eddie sighed. "Pain pills are in the cabinet in the kitchen."

"You need one?" Danny asked and Eddie nodded slowly. "I need Jamie."

Danny left Eddie lying on the bed, she was almost in a fetal position. He knew the embarrassment was what was really hurting her. As Danny heated some food for the kids and for Eddie Frank arrived at the house. "Dad, thank God," Danny sighed. "Can you keep an eye on…" Danny began then though better of it. It might be easier on Eddie if Frank, being a father figure to her, took over her care.

"Eat up you guys," Danny encouraged.

"When can we see Mommy?" Lila asked. "I want to show her my drawing."

"I know you do," Dany replied. "But Mommy is a little sick from her medication so she needs to sleep now. You can show her when she gets up. If you eat and do all your homework you can stay up later to see her."

Lila was placated with that and obeyed her uncle. Danny pulled Frank aside, "She was in the tub I have no idea how long. The water went cold. Dad, I had to carry her to bed, she's still naked in there wrapped in robes. Can you help her dress? I think if I did it she would break. She's at the edge now from my seeing her like that. Where the Hell is Jamie?"

The meeting finally broke at seven, three hours after it was set to do so. Jamie checked his numerous voicemails, worried he had heard nothing from Eddie. He called Frank as he was talking with Danny. "Let me take this, it's Jamie."

"Jamison…" Frank's voice had an edge.

"Hey, Dad. I'm so sorry, I know you had your dinner…"

"Jamie, I'm not at the dinner. Danny and I are at the house. Son, be careful, but get here as fast as you can. Eddie's chemo hit her really hard, she got stuck in the bathtub, Danny found her," Frank explained.

"Is she all right?" Jamie asked his heart pounding as he started running to his car.

"I'm going to go get her dressed and into bed. She had such terrible pain during her treatment, her legs and her back were all cramped. I had to get the nurses to give her a shot for the pain."

Jamie's heart was breaking, again he had failed to be there with his wife when she needed him. "I'm on my way Dad, tell her that okay?"

Frank agreed and hung up before making his way to Eddie. "Eddie, what do you want to put on honey?" he asked. "Is there anything you'd like me to get for you to wear?"

"No, I'm fine, leave me alone please," she replied to the pillow. Frank stepped closer to the bed, "Eddie, you are going to catch cold and get sick. I promise you I will only help you get warm. Jamie is on his way now, he was stuck in a meeting but he is coming home. Let's get you into a nightgown and under the covers."

"I can't…" Eddie whispered and began to cry. "Please leave me alone…I can't…"

Frank sighed and moved to Jamie's side of the bed. He laid down, kicked off his shoes and wrapped his large body around Eddie's shaking form. He rocked her in his arms and began to softly sing as he did to Jamie, Joe, Erin and Danny when they were sick or scared. "Hush little baby, don't say a word…"

When Jamie arrived home just before eight the kids were fed, homework done, and in their PJs. Danny was reading bedtime stories to them trying to keep them from pestering him about seeing their Mom He knew since Frank had not returned things in the bedroom must be bad.

"Daddy!" Lila and Joey ran to Jamie and held him tight. "Hey kiddos, I think it's about your bedtime isn't it?"

"Yes but Uncle Danny said we can see Mommy when she feels better," Lila replied. "But she is in the bed a long time…"

Danny was glaring at Jamie, "Get in there," he mouthed to his brother. "Okay, let's see what happens next in the book. Let's see if Sister Bear gets out of trouble…"

Jamie sent the kids back to the sofa and made his way to the bedroom. There he found his father holding Eddie, she was wrapped in two robes curled in a ball. "Is she asleep?" he whispered to his Dad.

"Finally about ten minutes ago," Frank replied. "She's humiliated Jamie and in pain. I think it's time you talked about moving in with me. Or if it's because of the kid's school, I can move in here."

Jamie sighed, "Dad…we don't want to…"

"Jamie…look at her…really look at her…!" Frank commanded. "Take off those rose colored glasses and see what is in front of your face. She is trying so hard to keep up, but the house is falling apart, the kids aren't getting enough attention from either of you and today your wife was humiliated when your brother found her lying in a bath tub. This is real, this is happening. She might beat it, she might not, but you have to wake up and get real about this!"

Jamie looked at his wife at his father's demand. She looked so tiny and frail like that. She was tiny, always had been, but frail…not his Eddie. She was tough, she was strong…she was sick and could be dying…He covered his mouth with his hand.

Frank slid off the bed and wrapped Jamie in his arms, "I'm here to help, son. I'm retired, I live alone, I am here to help you. Let me help you."

Jamie wanted to break down and cry but he held it in, "I'll talk to Eddie tomorrow but I think you are right. I can't…take a leave we need the money, but I can't let her health suffer either."

Frank nodded and stepped out of the bedroom. Jamie sat on the bed at Eddie's side, "Hey sweetheart, I'm home."

Eddie moaned as she moved to look at him, "Jamie…"

"I know, I'm so sorry honey. I am so sorry," he whispered. "Is it bad now? Or did the pills help?"

"Jamie…I…" Eddie was crying again as Jamie held her. "I know you had work, I…"

"Ssh, it's over now. It's over. Danny doesn't care honey, he's a cop. I know you care but you don't' have to be embarrassed. Danny loves you so much."

Eddie nodded and sighed, she shut her eyes and moved so she was lying in her husband's lap. "Hey, the kids want to kiss you goodnight. We can tell them you are hurting bad so they can't stay okay?"

Eddie sighed and let Jamie up to get their children, "Okay, Mommy is hurting very much tonight so give gentle kisses and off to your beds," Jamie instructed.

Both children obeyed immediately and went to kiss Eddie before going to bed. Frank sent Danny home but he refused to leave before speaking to Jamie. "Danny he's close to the edge himself, call him tomorrow and bust his balls for this okay?" Frank sighed. 

"I don't want to bust his balls, Pop," Danny replied. "I want to tell him I'm here for him. That he can lean on me and on Linda so Eddie can lean on him."

Frank smiled, "He knows that son, he'll be busy with her now, she needs him. Come by tomorrow to see how they are."

With Danny gone, the kids in bed, and Frank making up the couch Jamie got into bed still dressed. Eddie once again laid her aching head on Jamie's legs. He rubbed her neck gently, "I'm sorry I wasn't here when you needed me, Eddie. I think I was ignoring how much this all affected you, how weak it is making you feel because I just can't see you like that. To me you will always be the strong one…I could never do what you are doing, never." He dropped a kiss on her head.

"You could," she replied, weakly. "But I couldn't do what you do…work and this…" She moaned again, the pain biting back with a vengeance. Jamie knew it was going to be a long night. "My dad is staying here to help, I told Gordo I'm not coming tomorrow, and that I have to be here. If you are this bad in the morning I'm taking you to the hospital."

Eddie didn't argue, just laid in Jamie's lap too spent to do much more than that. Jamie studied his wife's face, there was something missing. She should be livid at him for being so late, at least at first but she wasn't. She should be angry at Danny for not calling Linda or Erin to help her out of the tub, but she wasn't. Her eyes had lost something too, Jamie knew that look. He saw it all the time when he did a death notification or busted a perp that came from a desperate place, something inside of his wife had broken that night…and for the life of him, he didn't know how to fix it. He had never seen her this way, all the fight gone out of her. He knew all he could do was wait, and help her find a way to get her hope back. He just didn't know quite where to start.

Next in Tough: Frank must go away for a few weeks leaving Jamie to reach out for help from another source. Eddie searches for strength as her world and her rock crumbles. A blast from the past might cure what ails Jamie…


	20. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer and Notes: I do not own Blue Bloods only Joey and Lila Reagan. I do not own Craig Morgan's song, Tough. Sorry for the typos, I had a hard time writing this one.**

 **Given my health situation, I will probably only be updating each piece twice per week. However, I might be persuaded for three times if you ask nicely though I won't promise. Enjoy.**

 **Chapter Twenty**

"How is she?" Frank asked two days later as he moved some of this things into Jamie and Eddie's humble home.

"She won't get up unless it is to go to radiation, she won't eat, she hardly speaks at all," Jamie replied and sat on the kitchen stool. "Today, she refused to get up to even go to her therapy, I had to cancel the session."

"Jamie, you have to stop this now," Frank warned him.

"I'm trying Dad!" Jamie snapped. "She won't get up! What am I going to do take her by one of her arms and drag her to the session? "

"No, that's my job," Frank replied. "Don't worry I will be gentle. I want this settled before I leave on Tuesday for the conference."

Jamie forgot his Dad was leaving for a law enforcement conference. He was the keynote speaker and giving several lectures. His help had been invaluable the last few days…

Frank headed into the bedroom, "Eddie, are you sleeping sweetheart?" he asked before going inside. She was in her pajamas, bald head on the pillow covered in a skull cap. "Time for you to get dressed for radiation honey."

"Jamie cancelled for today I don't feel well at all," Eddie replied not meeting his eyes or lifting her head.

"I know, but you aren't going to be able to beat this if you let it get a hold again,' Frank reasoned. "If you feel that awful I can help get you in the car, you can get a wheelchair in the hospital, then I will help Jamie get you in the bed again. This isn't like you Eddie."

"I am just so tired, I'll go tomorrow. I just need to rest and I need Jamie to help me today, but he is working tonight."

Frank sighed, "I'll be here tonight to help you. How about I carry you to the sofa before the kids get home and we eat together out there? I'll get you something soft on the tummy and the kids can have lo mein and shrimp toast…"

Eddie sighed, she had been neglecting her kids. The shock of what had happened a few days ago, of being totally stripped of her dignity in front of Danny had shaken her. She wasn't a mother any more, she wasn't anything anymore. Still, she smiled, "Okay, that's a good idea. Actually, let me go lie there now so I can speak to Jamie some…"

"Let Jamie help you now, Eddie. I'll help you tonight when he is at work. You two need to talk some."

Frank called Jamie to come in. When he did he found Eddie was crying. "It's that bad?" he asked sitting on their bed. Her pain had been very severe.

"No, it's not that. The medication has it for now," Eddie sniffed. "I'm sorry I've just been lying here for two days, it's just. That is what I need to do right now. I just need to be here with you and you aren't able to be here."

Jamie moved and sat down, "We need the money, Eddie. We need the benefits; I wish I could be here. I know what happened with Danny was so hard on you." Jamie stroked her cheek. "How about we take a bath, you and me? I can massage your legs and back, make them feel better and if you want we can nap together until the kids get home."

Eddie liked that idea and agreed to get up and take a bath. Jamie ran the tub and carried her into the bathroom. Gently, he took off her nightgown and laid her in the water. "I'm going to stay out here and rub your back and legs. Then I'll come in a bit and soak. The office chairs are hard as rocks."

Jamie reached in the water and began to massage Eddie's legs, she sighed as he relieved the tight muscles there. "Remember me doing this when you were having Lila?" Jamie asked. "You had the worst back and sciatic pain and nothing seemed to help, you remember?"

 **Four Year Earlier**

" **Joseph Patrick!" Eddie swore as she saw her son swallow his father's key to the storage locker. "Spit that out now young man…" She was at her wits end with a treacherous three year old and being eight months along with baby number two.**

 **Jamie was at work, of course, leaving her with Joey. She tried to catch the boy but the pain in her back was too bad. She sat on the couch and called Jamie. "I need you to come home. He is impossible and my back hurts so much." Eddie broke down in tears.**

 **She had been having a rough pregnancy so Jamie spoke to his partner and cut out ten minutes early with Renzulli's blessing. After he got home he fed Joey and took care of Eddie. He held her then laid her on the bed massaging her feet, her legs, her back…He gave her a tender loving care that she hadn't experience ever before from anyone.**

 **She moaned in pleasure, "Oh that feels so good. You have magic hands."**

" **I have loving hands," Jamie replied. "The baby will be here sooner than you know it then we will have the most precious little life. Our Joey is so special and wonderful and this little baby will be too." Jamie gave her a peck on the nose and went back to his work.**

 **Present Day**

It hurt to remember. Jamie wasn't that loving husband any more, he was dutiful but he hadn't touched her like a husband since the night before her surgery. She felt his hands on her back. "Jamie, when we take our nap, will you hold me?"

"Of course I will, I always hold you don't I? You are like my teddy bear." Jamie kissed her bald head.

"I mean really hold me…like before," Eddie replied. "I know I…look…"

It was finally making sense, "Oh Eddie, honey. You are still such a beauty. I haven't tried to be with you because you've been so sick. You can't now honey, it has nothing to do with how much I love you or if I'm attracted to you. Please believe that. You are just far too weak."

Eddie sighed again, "Too weak to do anything. Joey has a parents' night tomorrow, I can't be there. There's no way I can sit in a chair that long and I have never missed one."

"I've missed plenty, I'll go to this one and make up for them. It's all going to be all right, this part is hard but on the other end…"

"Is a grave," Eddie replied. "That's what it is a grave."

"No, not for you. You are too strong for that." Jamie held her hand in the warm water. "You ready for that nap?" He could see was already tiring so he chose to skip his part of the bath.

Eddie nodded and Jamie helped her back to bed. He laid down beside her, cradling her. "When you get well again, we are going to the mountains, you and me in a heart shaped bed…mirrors all of Danny's crazy favorite things. Just you and I and you will never doubt again how beautiful you are in my eyes, not ever." Jamie peppered her face and neck with light little kisses then pulled her against him. "Sleep now, I will take care of everything."

And he did. For over a week Jamie worked, took care of the kids, the house, took Eddie to her sessions and appointment. By Tuesday of the second week he looked like death and had literally walked into a low hanging pipe at the precinct smacking his forehead.

"Man you are going to have a headache," Gordo laughed. It wasn't funny seeing his partner going through this. He knew that taking on everything was a lot but Jamie refused to accept any help.

"I already have a headache," Jamie complained and put an ice pack on his head. "She's trying so hard, Gordo, she really is trying so hard to help out. She's a week and half into the cycle so the side effects are better but she's lost weight, she's lost muscle mass, and just the simplest thing is so taxing…"

"Yeah, but you are the one going to work on top of it all, you need a break too. What about hiring someone? Or asking me for help. I can do the shopping or pick up dry cleaning, the errands type stuff."

Jamie sighed and kicked himself for even considering it, "Maybe until my dad gets back or Danny's case breaks. He's working 24/7 on that serial, heading up the task force and such. I'd appreciate it." Jamie watch beeped, quitting time. "Gordo, can you just call Eddie and make sure she is okay. I have to get a beer before I go home or I am going to lose it."

"I've got you," Gordo promised and dialed Eddie. If she was in need of anything other than something intimate he'd handle it.

Thankfully, Eddie replied she was fine. That the children were in bed and she would lie on the sofa and wait for Jamie. In the meantime, Jamie went to a pub he and Eddie used to frequent when they were partners and newly married. He sat on the corner stool nursing a whisky and a beer chaser. He was so lost in his thoughts that he nearly jumped out of his skin when someone clapped him on the back. "Jamie Reagan, as I live and breathe!"

Jamie turned to see his old college roommate standing just to his life, "Spencer!" Jamie smiled and embraced his friend. "How you doing man?"

"I'm good," he replied. "In town on business so it's busy. I was going to call you for this weekend but…what happened? Did Eddie finally wise up and leave your sorry self?"

Jamie shook his head, "No, we're married 11 years in March, still going strong. No, it's worse than that, Eddie's sick. Breast cancer."

"Oh my God Jamie I am so sorry," Spencer gasped in surprise. "How's she doing? Is she going to make it?"

"We don't know yet," Jamie sighed. "She had a double mastectomy in September and so far she's done three rounds of chemo and is almost done her radiation therapy. We'll have an idea after she finishes that how she is."

"That sucks, Jamie. That really sucks," Spencer sighed. "One more for my friend on my tab," he told the bartender.

Jamie nursed his second drink, "She's having a hard time. Last week I got stuck in a meeting and she got stuck in the tub, she has this bad back and leg pain and she's weak like a little kitten. Danny found her, she'd been in there for hours. Something broke inside of her then Spencer, and I don't know how to fix it."

"She'll come around, that had to be hard on her," Spencer sighed.

"It's just that I have always been able to fix her. NO matter what was wrong or what was happening, I could fix her, I could help her. Now, I try, God knows I try but nothing seems to work. Nothing."

"SO you are taking it all on yourself? What about your family?"

"Well, Danny is laying low because of what happened and he's on a big case, he's leading a task force. My Dad is out of town until next week. "

"Eddie needs you, she needs time with you to heal from that humiliation," Spencer observed.

"I know she does, I know I'm what she needs, but it's hard to do that and work and take care of kids all at the same time."

Jamie took a sip of his whiskey, "I better get home, Eddie's alone with the kids."

Spencer watched Jamie get up and he jogged after to catch him, "Wait up…I have an idea. What do you say I take a couple weeks off, run point for you with the kids and the day to day stuff so you can focus on Eddie and work?

Jamie thought a minute, "I'd have to talk to Eddie but I think it's a great idea. The kids adore you, Eddie adores you…"

An hour later Jamie slipped into the house with Spencer in tow. Eddie was sleeping on the couch so he held his finger to his lips. "Go get a cup of coffee and I'll talk to her."

Jamie gently woke Eddie, "Hey how are you feeling?"

"Okay, sore in my back but okay. Who else is here? I hear noise."

"Spencer, he's wanting to help us out a little. I ran into him and told him what was going down, he's really concerned about you." Eddie looked at her husband's tired face and smile. "I think that's a good idea. He can help until your Dad comes back. And I miss you…maybe we'll have some time together. You look so tired."

Jamie leaned into her hand, "I am tired. So are you. Let me bring Spencer in to say hi and I'll get him set up out here. We can go to bed then."

Jamie led Spencer to living room. What he saw shocked him, Eddie's long blonde locks were gone, nothing but skin was in their place. She looked drawn and gaunt and more tired than Jamie if it were possible. She had lost at least 20 lbs but she still had an inert beauty. "How you feeling Eddie?" he asked giving her a gentle hug. "Lunkhead here walked into a pole at work today so I figured I better pitch in." "

Eddie gasped, "Jamie are you all right? Did you get it check?"

"I iced it, I'm fine just tired. I'm going to put you in bed then set up Spencer…" Jamie helped Eddie to her feet, the doctor said she really had to walk under her own power. He held her up and walked her to bed. "I'll be back in a few minutes. Put your feet up and rest okay?"

When Jamie went to bring Spencer his sheets he was shaken. "Jamie…oh my God…"

"Chemo, side effects. It's bad right now but if it saves her life…"

Spencer clapped Jamie on the shoulder, "It will. I know it will."


	21. Chapter 21

**Disclaimer and Notes: I do not own Blue Bloods only Joey and Lila Reagan. I do not own Craig Morgan's song, Tough. Sorry for the typos, I had a hard time writing this one.**

 **Special thanks to That Hamster Wheel for the idea of bringing in Spencer and to Werks for giving this the once over.**

 **Chapter Twenty-One**

"Joey! You're the winner!" Spencer gushed as Joey finished the last of his carrots before Lila did. "You get to pick dessert."

Jamie had gotten home about ten minutes earlier to find his old college roommate in an apron and chef's hat eating dinner with his kids. The children adored having their "Uncle Spencer" around to play games and help them with their homework. Even Joey was smiling a lot more than he had been before.

"Hey, wow, chicken with pea and carrots, getting fancy there, Spencer," Jamie said smiling as the kids ran to hug him. "Were you two good in school?"

"I got a note," Lila replied. "It's in my back pack." Jamie raised an eyebrow and went to get Lila's note. "Where's Mommy?"

"She went to sleep already," Joey replied. "She ate soup and went to bed."

Jamie smiled; Joey took such good care of his mother. "I put her hat on her cause she was cold."

"Thank you so much," Jamie whispered to Joey and kissed his cheek. "I'm going to check on Mommy, and then Lila we are going to talk about this note you have here for talking too much in class…" He bopped her on the head with the paper and sent the kids off to do their chores.

Eddie was half asleep when Jamie walked into the room. She was freezing so she had pulled out several blankets to wrap up in. "Hey pretty girl," he smiled. "Did you enjoy the soup? I got it from the Jewish deli on the corner."

"I did," Eddie replied. "My throat is really sore so it felt nice going down. Sorry I'm in bed so early but my head just hurt so I thought if I laid down I could get up and do bedtime with kids."

"I'll do bedtime, you need to get all the rest you can get."

"I want to do it," Eddie insisted. "I'd like a cup of tea too if you can help me get my robe on, I'm a little stiff."

Jamie held the robe and ease her sore left arm into the sleeve. "I can bring…"

"No, I want to do bedtime, it's important to me," Eddie said firmly. "And I also would like a cup of mint tea, Spencer doesn't make it right, it always tastes funny."

Jamie laughed, Spencer was not gifted in the culinary arts, but he was trying. His help was a godsend.

Eddie sat on the sofa with Jamie and the kids watching reruns of the Muppets. Spencer read the Wall Street Journal and kept sneaking glances at his old friend and his family. It didn't seem to bother Jamie that his once bombshell wife was now bald, without her signature bust and very thin. He held her close and beamed with happiness. He wanted that so much.

After the show was over, Jamie and Eddie took Lila to bed. They kissed her and Eddie read her a book. The little girl was sluggish that night and off her feed. Eddie touched her little cheek but it was cool. Still her mother's instinct told her to check on the child through the night. "Goodnight princess," Eddie whispered. "I love you."

Joey was next, he got a few chapters of his book and a hard snuggle from his Mommy. "I love you, Joey," Eddie whispered kissing his little head. "Sleep well now."

Eddie and Jamie shut the lights and went to their own room. Eddie set an alarm for two hours, "What's that for?"

"To check on Lila, I think she's getting sick, she's pale and she's not eating right either. She has my appetite so I'm concerned," Eddie replied kicking her legs into the bed. The back pain had started to dissipate but the leg cramps were still a problem.

"I'll check on her, you need your rest. You can't have a broken sleep," Jamie sighed, preparing himself for a childhood bout of flu going through the house. If Joey or Lila got sick the other wasn't far behind.

"You're looking so much better," Eddie said to Jamie as she laid on her right side. They had switched sides of the bed since she got ill, she was now closer to the bathroom and laid to the right so she didn't put too much pressure on her bad arm.

"Having Spencer here is a huge help," Jamie admitted. "When my Dad gets back we will let him stay and help until you have your strength back." He reached out and started to caress her face and her shoulder. "After you're done with radiation, on the second week between chemotherapy, we need a weekend away." Jamie pecked her nose.

"We do," Eddie replied. "Even if it's just a nice hotel in the city, room service and a bath that's not meant for easing sore muscles."

Jamie smiled, "If you're well enough…strong enough, maybe other things."

Eddie blushed, "I will rest extra hard the days before. I miss you so much, Jamie, in that way. I miss how you make me feel and how you love me."

Jamie pulled her in close, "I know. I miss you too Eddie, but to try that now with both treatments, you aren't strong enough."

Eddie knew he was right, "I'm strong enough for this though." She slid closer still and gave Jamie a long stirring kiss, opening her mouth just a bit to invite him inside.

Jamie moaned against her lips and cupped her cheek in his hand. This kiss was the most physically intimate thing they had done since the night before Eddie's surgery. He softly explored her mouth with his own feeing his body begin to react in ways he didn't care for it to do. With a sigh he pulled back.

Eddie smiled against his lips, "Soon I will be better, I will have my reconstructive surgery and things will go back to normal."

It warmed Jamie's heart to see her being positive. Since Spencer had started helping out, Jamie had more time to be with her, and they spent more time together. That had really seemed to help pull her out her depressed state. There was no end to the blessings that had come from Spencer's arrival.

"Yes it will, we better get some sleep. That clock is going to go off in no time."

Before the clock even sounded, Eddie and Jamie were awakened by Lila's hoarse little voice. "Mommy…" she croaked, "My throat hurts."

Eddie was up in a matter of seconds. "Come lie on the big bed. Mommy's going to take your temperature." Jamie woke up and turned on the light as Eddie hurried back to the bedroom in full mommy mode. She scanned Lila's head and got a troubling result. "102," Eddie sighed. "Jamie can you make the special juice, I'll run a cool bath."

Special juice was their word for juice laced with children's Tylenol. Lila hated to take medicine, so if they hid it in the juice it was much less of a fight.

Jamie got up and made the juice while Eddie ran a lukewarm tub and deposited the little girl inside. "You'll feel all better in no time," Eddie promised. "You can sleep in our bed tonight, and you'll rest in the morning. You can stay with Mommy and Uncle Spencer all day long." Eddie wet a cloth and bathed Lila's head.

"Here you go, Kitten," Jamie told her kneeling beside her. "Drink your juice, it will help you feel better. Eddie you go back to bed, I've got it."

"Jamie…" She raised her eyebrows and gave him a look that meant she was serious. Lila drank the juice down and fussed as she started to feel cold. Jamie pulled her out and wrapped her in a big towel. He passed her off to Eddie who took her to their bed while Jamie got fresh pajamas to dress the little girl.

They put their baby girl between them and Jamie sang her back to sleep. "Eddie you really should go and sleep in Joey's room. If you catch this, and you will catch it…"

"She's my little girl and she is sick. She wants her Mommy," Eddie replied. She lay by her child's side and held her little hand. Eddie hated it when the kids were sick. Slowly both mother and daughter drifted off, and Jamie lay awake and watched them sleep.

Lila still had a fever the next morning so Eddie cancelled her radiation and took her to the doctor. She was diagnosed with an ear infection as a complication of the flu. Spencer drove them to and from the doctor's office and picked up Lila's medications. Frank would be back in few days and he would be pleased to see the family functioning so well even with one sick baby.

Jamie called home at lunch and checked in with Eddie. "She's asleep now in our bed," she replied. "Joey is still okay, Spencer is going to pick him up at 4. She's been fussy but I think the Tylenol is making her aches a little better."

"How about your aches?" Jamie asked. "You were doing a lot of lifting and bending."

"My back is achy but other than that I'm okay. I'm doing my lymphedema stocking now, and I'll go in the tub when you are home."

"Try not to expose yourself to her too much, if you get sick Eddie…" Jamie sighed.

"I know; I'm using gloves and the sanitizer. I'm being careful I promise," Eddie assured him.

She wasn't careful enough. By the time Jamie got home that night Eddie was beginning to feel sick. Her throat and mouth were hurting from the day before but she hadn't told him, she'd focused on her daughter. Jamie got home at six pm to just Joey and Spencer eating dinner. Jamie joined them for a bit and ate a grilled cheese sandwich.

"Jamie," he heard from the bedroom. It sounded like Eddie but the voice was hoarse and followed up by hard steady coughing.

"Really, Spencer?" Jamie asked annoyed. "You didn't think to tell me she was sick too?"

"She was fine when she went to lie down, now she's sick," Spencer replied. "And Joey's complaining his ears itch."

"Great. Joey, Daddy's gonna take your temperature in a minute, but first I have to check on Mommy."

Jamie hurried into the bedroom, and there sat Eddie holding their sick daughter. He got the thermometer out to check Eddie's temperature; it was okay, just a little above normal. "Did you call the doctor and tell him your throat is sore?"

She nodded, "He says it's thrush from the chemo more than likely and wants to see me if I feel worse. Our poor baby has her first bad flu."

Jamie caressed Lila's soft cheek, "Hey baby girl…" She opened her blue eyes and looked at him. "Fix it Daddy, it hurts."

Those words were like a knife in Jamie's heart. He couldn't fix it; he couldn't fix any of this for his family. "I wish I could princess," he sighed. "What about a popsicle for your throat? Mommy, would you like a popsicle too?"

Eddie agreed to that and Jamie brought in four popsicles, one for each of them. Spencer was heading out for the night and promised to bring back a supply.

Joey was found to have no fever yet, so Jamie had him sleep in his own bed to avoid getting sick if he was indeed getting through unscathed. After Lila fell asleep, Jamie put her in her own bed and slid in beside Eddie. "I want you to see the doctor in the morning," he said firmly. "To make sure you aren't sick."

Eddie agreed only for his peace of mind, she had been around Joey for several childhood illnesses and never picked one up yet. Even on chemo, she had a stronger resistance having not fallen ill once during her treatment. This time wouldn't be any different.


	22. Chapter 22

**Disclaimer and Notes: I do not own Blue Bloods only Joey and Lila Reagan. I do not own Craig Morgan's song, Tough. Sorry for the typos, I had a hard time writing this one.**

 **Special thanks to Werks for giving this the once over and to everyone who has reviewed offering their prayers and support. I hope this chapter is more interesting for you all than the last one. Only a little more to go in this journey. At the end of the next chapter I will begin to preview ideas for my next stories, you can pm or review and let me know which one you'd like next. Happy reading.**

 **Chapter Twenty-Two**

"Pop!" was the sound from the bottle of sparkling cider that Frank opened over the Reagan family dinner table. "Okay…Jamie do you want to do the honors?" he asked looking at his youngest son.

"I think you can take this one dad," Jamie replied putting his arm around Eddie.

"To Eddie," Frank said raising his glass. "Who has completed an entire course of radiation, half a round of chemotherapy, and who is kicking cancer in the bottom." Frank kept his language clean for his little grandkids that were not so sure what all the celebration was about.

"Hear, hear," Jamie smiled toasting his wife and clinking glasses with Danny, Linda, and the rest of the family.

Eddie spoke up, "I'd like to make a toast, to my wonderful family, especially my magnificent husband, if I didn't know what true love was before I do now." She leaned up and kissed Jamie's lips.

They were leaving for three days away after family dinner. Jamie booked a room at the Plaza; they would indulge in room service, hot Jacuzzi baths, and time to themselves. After the last few weeks they deserved it.

Two days after Lila came down with the flu, Joey came down with it. Frank returned to a house of sick and sniffly kids. Spencer had stayed on to help after Jamie got sick too.

 **Three Week Earlier**

 **Jamie heard the alarm and reached over to shut it off. The sounds were like a knife piercing through his skull. He moaned at the sudden discomfort, and then was assaulted by a sharp wave of pain through his entire body. "Eddie…" He turned over and looked at the empty space in the bed. He heard her in the bathroom. She was nearing the end of a chemo cycle so she felt well, but would soon face another treatment and all that came with it.**

 **When Eddie appeared she took one took, turned around and came back with a thermometer. She scanned his forehead and frowned, "Call Gordo and the Captain, you have a 101.6 degree fever. You are not going anyplace today."**

 **Eddie began to prepare cool compresses for Jamie, and then went to heat a kettle to make tea for her three sick family members. "Jamie has it now," she told Frank and Spencer who were drinking their morning coffee. "He's got it pretty bad, his fever is almost 102."**

 **Frank frowned, "I better take care of him Eddie. You need to take care of yourself. If he caught it you are bound to catch it next, and it will hit you harder." Frank didn't tell her that Mary had not actually died of her invading cancer, but of pneumonia she contracted after a bad cold.**

 **"No, I want to do it. He's done nothing but care for me for months, now he needs me. I have to show him I can be there."**

 **Famous last words…**

 **One week later**

 **Jamie recovered quickly from his flu, and before he knew it the kids were up and running at full speed. Eddie went to her chemo the same Monday he went back to work. Frank took her to treatment and brought her home. She was so weak by the time he got her to the house that he had to carry her inside. Each treatment meant the side effects were stronger and came on that much faster.**

 **"You want to go to bed?" Frank asked. "Or the couch?"**

 **"Bed," Eddie whispered. "Call Jamie…I need Jamie." She never asked this.**

 **"I can't honey," Frank soothed. "He's working and he just got back on the job from being sick. He'll be home in a few hours."**

 **Eddie sighed; she was in agony and just wanted her husband. Frank helped her undress and get as comfortable as he possibly could. He had done this before and knew some tricks even Jamie didn't know. "Try to sleep, I have the garbage can here and I'm a shout away if you need. By the time you get up, Jamie will be home and he can lie with you until you feel a little better."**

 **Eddie shut her eyes, her head throbbed, her body ached and the nausea was beyond the pale. After an hour of nearly constant vomiting, Frank holding her head and rubbing her back, he knew he had no choice; he had to call his son.**

 **Jamie was finishing typing the reports when his phone rang. "Hey Dad…" He listened to his father. "I'll be there. I will be right there." He hung up and went to see Renzulli. "It's Eddie, my Dad says she's really having bad effects. He can't seem to get her to…"**

 **"What are you standing here for Reagan, get gone!" Renzulli commanded. He watched his old boot suffer through his wife's therapy. Jamie felt each pain and triumph right along with her, and the entire precinct felt it with him.**

 **Jamie remembered speeding home and taking the front steps two at a time to get to his wife. He heard her moaning and crying out. Both kids were on the sofa with Spencer scared to death. Jamie didn't stop to comfort them, he ran to his wife. "I'm here, Eddie, I'm here." He lay on the bed with her, "Jamie…" She was gasping for air from the horrible pain.**

 **"I'm here," he whispered again. "What is it?" Eddie was holding her back and curled in a near fetal position. "Back pains? Dad can you run a tub? Help me get her in the tub."**

 **Eddie was weakly clutching at Jamie's hands. "I know baby," he crooned trying to soothe her. "I know we're gonna fix it. We're gonna fix it, ssh…"**

 **When Frank had the water ready Jamie carried Eddie to the tub, he quickly undressed her and laid her in the Epsom salt-laced waters.**

 **"Can you just lie still while I talk to the kids? They're scared, they heard you crying," Jamie whispered. He knew even his voice hurt her when she was like this. She managed a weak nod and Jamie went to see the children.**

 **It was a rough two days, but finally they weathered the worse of it together. Frank took the day shift, Jamie took the nights, and Spencer picked up the slack when he wasn't telecommuting.**

 **They thought they had just turned the corner when Jamie woke to his alarm clock to hear Eddie wheezing. He looked at her, took in her flushed cheeks, and labored breathing and knew she had no doubt contracted that horrible flu.**

 **He called Renzulli again to bang in sick, "I have to take Eddie to the hospital. She can't breathe and she's got a fever."**

 **"You need a bus, Kid?" Renzulli asked. "You think she got that flu you all had?"**

 **"Yeah, but I think it went to her lungs cause she's wheezing. Thanks Cap." Jamie leaned over his wife, "Eddie, come on baby, we need to go to the hospital. You're sick."**

 **She opened her eyes, "I don't feel well."**

 **"I know. We're going to the ER. Just hold onto me and we'll get you better soon." Jamie kissed her feverish head and had her in the car before his father or children even woke up.**

Present Day

"Did Spencer get home okay?" Erin asked. She always liked him, and now that he had stepped in to help Jamie and Eddie he had won the entire family over. "Yeah but he's thinking of relocating back here, he really loved being with the family."

"That would be nice for you to have a good friend nearby," Danny spoke up. "Gordo is a solid partner, but he's no so great in the buddy department."

Danny and Jamie both had made friends with some partners and not others, though Jamie had to hand it to Gordo, he had back through all of this.

"So do you two have any big plans for your fun time with Grandpa?" Erin asked Joey and Lila.

"Yes, we are going to a hockey game for me and the doll store for Lila," Joey replied. "And we're gonna get pastrami at the deli with big huge pickles." Joey made the sign for big with his arms.

"We probably know what those two have planned for their weekend," Danny joked making Eddie blush.

"Let's just say this trip is all about making each other feel loved," Jamie told his brother and kissed Eddie's hand.

Eddie and Jamie left for the Plaza right after Sunday dinner. She wore her white lace scarf, preferring the scarves to the wig. It was itchy and tight often giving her a headache. They checked in and headed to their suite. There was another bottle of sparkling cider, a fruit basket, and a bouquet of red roses that Jamie had sent to Eddie.

She looked at the gifts reading the card on the roses, "To my pretty girl – take time to stop and smell every single one, Love Jamie." Eddie smiled and walked over to him reaching on tip toes to kiss his lips.

"I'm glad you like them," he smiled. "I can't tell you how proud I am of you Eddie. You are fighting so hard, and you're winning this battle bit by bit. I used to think Danny and I were tough guys, Danny more so than even me, but the way you kept things going, even sick you never stopped being a magnificent mother to our kids…I could never do what you have done these last months, I love and respect you more than I ever have."

Eddie smiled through unshed tears and slid her arms around Jamie. In the romantic atmosphere, it was easy to forget her cancer, forget the pain and the suffering and just be Mr. and Mrs. Jamie Reagan. Jamie led Eddie to the king size bed in their suite. When her knees hit the side of the mattress he laid her down and slowly started to remove her clothing. Eddie self-consciously pulled her arms up to cover her scars but Jamie pushed them down. With care and a near reverence he kissed the lines where the incisions had been made. The skin was scaly and dry, but to him it felt like heaven beneath his lips. "So beautiful," he murmured for to him this was a mark of her strength.

Eddie's hands came up and removed Jamie's shirt, it had been so long for the usually active couple that each other's attentions were bringing both partners to a fever pitch. Jamie tried to hold on as long as he could, wanting to make this moment special for his wife much as he had on their wedding night and so many nights since. As he braced himself on his forearms, nurtured between her thighs, he whispered, "I love you, Eddie," before joining their bodies. He knew by the sound of Eddie's gasp that he had waited just long enough.

As Jamie held Eddie against his chest when it was all over he felt tears soaking his skin, "What is it? Did I hurt you?" he asked instantly concerned.

"No, no…" Eddie insisted. "I really thought you would never be able to love me again. I haven't felt beautiful or anything special since the operation. I know you love me, but I wasn't sure if you could find me attractive again."

Jamie kissed her head, "Eddie, you are still beautiful and as you start to get better you'll fill out again, your hair will grow back…"

"I can have reconstructive surgery," she broke in.

"Well that we'll discuss," Jamie said nonchalantly. He didn't really care if she did or she didn't. He rather her not, there was no reason to go through any unnecessary procedures.

"I'm only 37, I don't want to go through the rest of my life without breasts," Eddie informed him gently. "But we are still far from that day so let's not worry about it for now."

He stroked her back, "No pain?"

"A little pain," she replied. "But you are taking care of that. I'm so glad we did this, I think we really needed this."

"I think we did too. Did I tell you Danny and Linda used to plan one weekend a month where they would go away and have their own private time? Maybe when you are better that is something we should consider. We'll be married 11 years soon."

Eddie looked up at him, "So, does that mean that we have to stop being lovers?"

"No, I think it means we need to take more time and care in being lovers. It's too easy to get bogged down in the kids and the job and all that and forget to take time out for the marriage. I want us to do that while we don't have to so that we never do, if that makes sense."

"It does," Eddie agreed. "I think you are on to something there." She yawned and snuggled deeper in his arms.

"Go to sleep, tomorrow we can try out that Jacuzzi tub." Eddie sighed and smiled shutting her eyes and drifting off into a soothing sleep listening to the rhythm of her husband's beating heart.


	23. Chapter 23

A/N: Thanks to werks for catching my typos and for providing feedback. We are in the home stretch for this story.

Chapter Twenty-Three

"Hold on to me," Jamie instructed as Eddie climbed into the seat of a New York City carriage for a midday ride around Central Park. It was the last day of their vacation, and they wanted to make one more romantic memory together. Eddie had her chemo that coming Monday, and it would be another nine days of pain, vomiting, and exhaustion.

"I'm okay, Jamie," Eddie assured him. "You're going to worry yourself into a heart attack one of these days. Erin was right; you did have worry lines as an infant. I should give you one of those face creams I use to get rid of my laugh lines and crow's feet."

"You don't need any of that stuff, you're as beautiful as the day I met you, maybe more," Jamie placed his forehead against hers and used the blanket he brought with them to wrap Eddie and tuck her to his side. The carriage started to move, the day was beautiful, and the foliage made everything look new. Spring was just beginning to dawn, with all the hope of life it always brought.

They watched couples, families, and tourist going by as Eddie laid her head on Jamie's shoulder. "My dad is going to come to Joey's communion," she told him as they rode. "Can you please have a talk with yours about being civil? I know they don't along well, but I don't want anything to ruin Joey's big day."

"Or yours?" Jamie asked. "You've been preparing for this day almost as long as Joey has. Erin offered to take you shopping for a dress that will help to hide some of the changes in your body if you don't want all the questions."

Eddie thought a minute, "You know what, if I do that it's going to be for me, not for anyone else. If I get the reconstruction, it will be for me or for us, not because someone says I should."

Jamie looked down at his wife, beaming with pride. "That's my girl, I'm so glad to see you back. I know you have six rounds to go, but since the radiation stopped you are more and more like the Eddie I remember."

"It was just so hard, Jamie. My body felt like lead most of the time. I felt terrible for neglecting you and the kids and our marriage." She entwined her fingers with his.

"Well, we kept things together. We worked as a team, we asked for help when we needed it, and I think this weekend took great care of the marriage. I have no fear that our marriage is as solid as it ever was so wherever your crazy head is off to bring it back right now."

When their ride was over, Jamie tipped the driver and handed Eddie down from the seat. They walked a short way and picked up some pretzels and pizza from a sidewalk vendor. They had reservations that night, but it was pretty clear that Eddie was tired. "You want to lie down and take a nap?"

Eddie nodded, "Wake me so I can get ready for dinner. I just need a few minutes…" He voice faded and she shut her eyes asleep before she completely finished her sentence.

Jamie read some magazines and watched the TV with the volume on low. An hour before dinner, Jamie nudged Eddie slightly, she was so tired she only rolled over and fell back to sleep. Jamie knew her heart would be broken if she felt like she ruined their last romantic night, but he also knew she was too tired to handle a night out.

Jamie stepped outside and made a phone call. He carefully explained that his wife was sick with cancer, they had planned a night out, but her treatments were such that she was too tired to attend. The manager agreed to help him and he delivered a romantic dinner for two complete with candles, a waiter, and a bottle of sparkling cider. Jamie knew he'd pay through the nose, but it would be worth it.

It was the aroma of a freshly prepared steak and shrimp that finally woke Eddie. She looked at the clock, seven fifteen. They had a seven pm reservation. "Jamie, why didn't you wake…?" She began then saw the beautiful spread Jamie had arranged. The table had a white linen tablecloth, two candles were lit in silver candlesticks, and two plates were filled with a fine cut filet and lobster awaited them. "Oh Jamie…"

Jamie went behind Eddie and slid his arms around her back, "I tried to wake you up but you must have need the sleep baby. I didn't want you to miss dinner but I know you well enough now to know when you can and when you can't."

"This is probably the sweetest thing you have ever done, and I am starving," Eddie declared. "Let me clean up…"

"You look beautiful, have a seat my love," Jamie pulled out the chair and let Eddie sit. He took his place across from her and the waiter filled their flutes. Jamie raised his glass, "To my beautiful wife, to nearly eleven years of marriage as happy as we were on day one."

The clinked their glasses and sipped the cider as the waiter stepped back. There was a tableside Cherries' Jubilee; Jamie had requested it be made when their meal was finished. The rest of the evening he focused on Eddie and making their last night special. After their dessert, they enjoyed a soak in the Jacuzzi tub before falling asleep in each other's arms.

"Mommy! Mommy! Daddy!" was the chorus that greeted the Jamie and Eddie when they arrived home the next morning. "Hello babies," Eddie exclaimed smiling and hugging both children close before they ran to Jamie.

"We missed you," Joey told them as Jamie gave him a big bear hug.

"They were very well-behaved," Frank declared answering his son's question. They children were busy showing Eddie the toys Frank bought them. "You two look very happy."

"It was exactly what we needed," Jamie replied. "Everything really clicked very well. She had a good time; her energy was good for the most part. I really think we are turning the corner. Oh, I asked off for her chemo this week so you are off the hook."

"Thanks Jamie," Frank replied. "After that last time I have no idea what is going to happen now. I'll have your back you know that."

"I do know that, and if this experience taught us nothing else it's that our marriage can survive anything and that our family is there no matter what. Thanks for that Dad." Jamie patted Frank on the arm.

Jamie and Eddie relished in bedtime that night. They played dolls with Lila during her bath, and Navy with Joey during his. They held each child and read to them in the big bed before falling asleep as a family. Eddie got up and did the school preparations that morning. It would be at least two weeks before she had the ability to do that again.

"Mommy, when we get home later are you going to be crying?" Joey asked. He had her chemo timed in his little head.

"I hope not, sweetie," Eddie replied. "But I do get my medicine today so maybe. Daddy is going to be here though, so you don't have to be scared. Daddy will take care of Mommy like he always does."

Joey nodded, "Can I take care of you too? I can hold your hand and kiss the boo boo."

"Yes you can, baby boy, but…"

Joey slammed his hand on the table. "I am not a baby boy, I am a big boy!"

Eddie looked at him sharply, "Temper…" She knelt down by him. "You will be my baby boy when you are old like grandpa," she informed him. "Can't help it, par for the course. Finish eating or you will miss the bus."

Eddie saw both kids onto their bus, and then got into her jeans and sweatshirt for her chemo. She packed movies, a book, and a tee shirt for when she began to burn up from the medication. It had been several cycles since Jamie attended, and she knew the pain during would be something that would set him off.

The nurse eased the cannula into Eddie's vein; Jamie sat beside her as the liquid began to burn her skin. She winced and took a long deep breath to control that part of the pain. "Do you need a nurse?" Jamie asked.

"No, but I will later so just relax with me for now, all right? It won't get bad for an hour or so…" Eddie shut her eyes. "Read to me from the book we brought."

Jamie started to read to her until about 45 minutes later when he felt Eddie start to shift. "Jamie." Her voice was a mere whisper. It was hitting sooner and harder. "I need…"

Before she finished her sentence she threw up down her shirt and onto his lap. It didn't' phase him, he wiped his pants and called for the nurse. The pain was setting in fast along with the vomiting.

"Can you give her something?" he asked as she wiped her face with a soft cloth. "She's suffering."

"We gave her all we can for now, it isn't from the cancer, it's from the chemo. We can't give her anything more powerful without the doctor's consent."

"Then call the doctor," Jamie snapped as returned his focus to his wife.

Dr. Macdonald was on call that day, he had seen Eddie twice before while she was hospitalized with the flu. When he arrived, Eddie was curled up as much as possible with the cannula in, crying into Jamie's lap. He had tried in vain to soothe her agony. "Give her something, she's never been this bad."

"I can't give her a little morphine for the edge, but if I do that she'll need to stay in the hospital and make sure that when it wears off there are no adverse effects." He looked at the poor woman. "No, my babies need me. I can take it," she said.

"Eddie, the kids will be okay. If you go home like this and they see you suffering so it will do them more harm than good," Jamie urged her to allow the doctor to administer he medication. "Please, sweetheart."

Finally she nodded her throbbing head once and the doctor pushed the narcotic into her IV line. Jamie continued to hold her until the medication took effect.

When she was asleep and in a room, Jamie called his Dad to break the news. "Joey is going to really flip his little lid. I'm sorry I can't be there but if she needs me. She can't advocate for herself."

"I remember this part, Jamie; I know it's difficult. I will handle it. Give her my love," Frank sighed. She had five more rounds, how much worse could it get for her?

"Mommy?" Joey called out to silence when he got home. Usually on medicine day, Mommy was coughing or crying or making some kind of noise.

"Mommy isn't here, buddy," Frank replied. "Come here you two, let's talk a minute."

Both kids sat on the sofa as Frank began to speak, "Mommy had to stay in the hospital for her medication this time. She got sick and she has to be where the doctors can make her better."

Joey did explode, but not in the way that Frank expected. He shoved Lila off the couch, "This is your fault that Mommy is sick!"

Lila began to cry and ran to Frank. "Joey, no it's not buddy, this is from Mommy's medication now you say you are sorry right now!" Frank rarely lost his temper with his grandchildren, but Joey was out of line.

Both children were now in tears as Frank held them on his lap. "She'll be home tomorrow, okay…I promise…" He rocked them as they cried themselves to sleep.


	24. Chapter 24

A/N: This is the final chapter of the main portion of this story. There will be an epilogue posted in a few days. Following that I will work on finishing Silver Linings. There is a lot more to come in that story. Thanks to Werks for proofreading.

The morphine helped Eddie sleep through the rest of her treatment and into the next day. Jamie spoke with his father later that night and explained he would be staying at the hospital with her until she was able to go home.

"Son, I think it's time for another talk with Joseph," Frank informed Jamie. "When I explained to the kids that they were keeping Eddie in overnight, Joey got angry and shoved Lila off the sofa. It seemed he thought it was her fault that Eddie had to stay in like when she has the flu."

Jamie sighed, "I'll handle it in the morning. Bring them by here to see their Mom before school. She's fine, they just needed to monitor her because of the drugs."

"All right, son," Frank replied. "We'll see you in the morning."

Jamie got comfortable in the big hospital chair and pulled a blanket over him to go to sleep. He laid his head on his own shoulder and got some needed, if not uncomfortable sleep.

Eddie woke up at seven, the morphine having worn off. She saw Jamie asleep in the chair and reached out her hand to pat his knee. He woke up immediately at her touch and reached over to take her hand. "Hey, how you feeling?" he asked softly. "You slept for hours."

"Not bad, my body aches and my stomach, but it's not so bad…" Eddie pushed herself up in bed. "I could use a cup of tea." She hit the call button.

While they waited for the nurse, Frank arrived with Joey and Lila. They both climbed on the bed with their mother, Joey holding tight to Eddie now. He knew that grandpa had told his Daddy what he did and that Jamie would be upset with him. Jamie let Joey cuddle with Eddie for a few minutes then got up and sighed, "Joey, come on and take a walk with me to get oatmeal for everyone before you leave for school."

Eddie urged Joey to go with Jamie, she knew Jamie had to address his hitting Lila, and that it was best man to man. "So, Grandpa said that you got upset with your little sister last night," Jamie replied. "Joseph you know that is not allowed, you know we do not push, hit, kick or anything like that in this family. Please talk to me about this."

"I thought she made Mommy sick. Last time Mommy was in the hospital a whole week and she was really sick cause of Lila getting the flu," Joey replied.

"I know, buddy, I do, but that does not make it okay to push your little sister. Lila could have been hurt, and the Mommy and Daddy would be very upset okay?"

Joey sighed, "Daddy, is Mommy going to get better ever? She has been sick for a very long time... since before football ended."

Jamie smiled, "Mommy really is much better, little man. She's taking medication that makes her get sick, she was in pain yesterday and needed very strong medicine to make it go away. The doctor had to make sure she did okay when he stopped the medicine. That's why she had to stay." Jamie sat down on the bench and put Joey on his lap. "Joey, if you are feeling scared, sad, angry, anything you need to come to Mommy and Daddy, you need to tell us and we can talk and make it feel better."

"I don't understand why it had to be my Mommy that got sick!" Joey suddenly exploded. "I didn't do anything wrong, I prayed, and I prayed but he didn't help me… Mommy is still sick!"

"I know Joey, it's not your fault," Jamie soothed. "It's not your fault, nothing anyone did or didn't do made Mommy sick. It just happened buddy. It just happened." Jamie held Joey close to him and rocked him in his arms. "It just happened, I know you can't understand all of this little man. I know you can't but it's okay. Daddy does understand and anything you need to talk about you can. I won't be mad at you if you do."

Jamie was surprised at how many questions Joey did have. He felt terrible his son had held all this inside. No wonder he was showing his little Reagan temper. Jamie sat on the bench holding his little boy until Frank came down the hall, "He's going to be late, Jamie."

"Take Lila to school, I'm going to keep Joey with us, let him see his mom's care a little more and see the doctor," he replied. "I think it might help him to be a little involved today. Please make his excuse to his principal and I can call them later."

Frank deferred to his son's judgment regarding own child and took Lila off to school. Jamie returned to Eddie's room with Joey. She was getting sick in the basin when they walked in. Jamie knelt by Joey, "Mommy's throwing up now from her medicine to get the sickness out. So when she's done we'll give her some water…"

Jamie poured a cup of water and let Joey give it to Eddie. "Here Mommy," he said glad to be able to help. Eddie smiled at her son, "Good job, Dad." It was nice for Jamie to know she approved.

An hour later the doctor came in, "How are you feeling, Eddie?" he asked sitting on the side of her bed then saw little Joey. "Who do we have here?" He smiled at the boy.

"This is my son, Joey. Joey this is Dr. Macdonald, one of Mommy's doctors. Say hi to him, please."

"Hi," Joey replied obediently. "When are you going to finish making my Mommy better?"

"Joey!" Eddie gasped but Jamie put up a staying hand. "Our son is a little upset seeing his mother was in the hospital," Jamie explained.

"I am doing the best I can, Joey," the doctor replied. "The other doctors and I are working very hard to get your Mommy feeling all better again. She will feel like your Mommy again very soon."

The doctor examined Eddie, assessed her pain and her nausea. He gave her some stronger medication and after an IV would let her go home.

Eddie rested and took care of herself for the rest of the week. Joey seemed to hold a greater understanding of his mother's illness, and seemed to believe that she would get better if she kept taking her medicine and kept resting. By the end of that week she was feeling stronger though she knew she had five more chemo cycles to go.

The next three cycles she would stay in the hospital overnight for pain control. Doing that made it much easier to recover from the side effects, Eddie felt more effective as a mother and as a wife.

By May, she had her chemo finally down to a science. She was treated every third Monday and was sick for almost exactly a week. She was fatigued for a week, then felt almost like herself for another week. Still as Joey's communion approached she realized that she was still not as energetic as she needed to be to oversee his party.

Rather than put another chore on Jamie's plate, she asked Erin and Linda to help her with the final touches. They were having the party at Frank's house with the entire family, plus Eddie's dad, Renzulli, Gordo, Kara Walsh and her family and McKenna and his family. Linda suggested dinners of lasagna and chicken, many family favorites that were child and crowd friendly. Eddie quickly agreed to do this, Linda had two successful communion parties before, and she knew that her sisters-in-law would have her back in this.

The day of Joey's communion dawned warm and bright. Eddie got up early and went to Linda's to get ready. She had a surprise for Jamie. Linda sat Eddie down and helped her with her make-up, her dress and finally her wig. Linda's technique made her cheekbones look fuller, her eyes brighter, and her skin less blotchy after months of hard treatments. The dress was a pale blue that flared at the hips, it helped to show off her curves and hide her weight loss. Also, Linda had taken her the previous week for a mastectomy bra. It hid the loss of her breasts very well making her look like she had already been reconstructed. Finally, Linda used wig tape and a cap to secure a long, blonde flowing wig to Eddie's head. "Take a look…"

Eddie gasped, she looked like her old self again. "Linda, thank you so much. I don't want to look at these pictures and remember being sick. I want to remember being happy."

Jamie had both kids bathed by the time Eddie got home. Lila was fussing because she was concerned Eddie would not be home in time to do her hair. "Come now," Eddie said as she let herself in. "Mommy is always ready to do your hair for parties." Jamie looked up from supervising Joey's tie and nearly choked. There stood his Eddie, the pre-cancer Eddie. It was just like old times.

"Oh my God, you look..."

"I think that is biggest compliment you could give me," Eddie replied. "Joey you look so handsome, little man. Come on Lila, let's get your hair done."

The family left an hour before the ceremony, Lila and Joey holding hands. Lila wore a longer and version of her mother's dress, Joey and Jamie were both handsome in their suits. This was a much a milestone for Eddie as it was for Joey. She had fought hard to make it here to this day, and she'd won so far.

As she sat in the pew beside Jamie watching their little boy take his first Holy Communion, his first big step, she realized that she didn't think she's make it this far. She smiled as he put the host in his mouth and patiently waited for it to dissolve as his father told him to do. When it was done the posed for pictures, the entire family. Parent then grandpas, the godparents… Eddie looked at the group shot on Jamie's phone. Everyone important to her was in it, every one that was instrumental her making it to his day was there.

She found Jamie and her kids at the back of the church after viewing that photo. She smiled at her husband and he knew what she felt inside of her since that morning, the worst was over and everything from here on out would be all right if they just stuck together, a family, for better or for worse.


	25. Epilogue

**Disclaimer and Notes: I do not own Blue Bloods only Joey and Lila Reagan. I do not own Craig Morgan's song, Tough.**

 **Special thanks to Werks for giving this the once over and to everyone who has reviewed offering their prayers and support.**

 **Epilogue**

Five Years Later

Jamie rolled out of bed to the smell of bacon frying and freshly brewed coffee. He could hear his wife of over sixteen years in the kitchen talking to their children as she served them breakfast before sending them off to the school bus. Jamie padded into the kitchen and kissed both kids on the head. Twelve-year-old Joey flinched so Jamie rustled his hair. He stepped up behind Eddie and kissed the side of her head. "This smells fabulous babe," he whispered. He took a piece of bacon off the towel. "And tastes that way too. Lila stop playing with your food, you'll miss the bus."

It was a nerve-wracking day for everyone. Today was Eddie's five year checkup. Jamie had taken the day off to go with her. He was hoping for good news, but twice over the last five years they had a few scares. None of them turned out to be anything more than a headache but it had scared the life out of both Jamie and Eddie when they occurred.

As soon as the kids were off Jamie hugged his wife. "You didn't sleep a wink all night, are you that worried?"

"If today goes well, I can say that I beat it, that I am cured. If it doesn't, all of this was for nothing."

By this she meant the changes her body had gone through since finishing her chemo. She had, after much consideration, had the breast reconstruction surgery. Jamie had been against it at first, but relented after he saw how much her confidence improved with the mastectomy bra. He remembered the late night conversations…

Four Years Ago

"But there are risks, babe," Jamie said taking off his undershirt before sliding into bed. Eddie had a catalog open where she was looking at breast shapes that would be conducive to her scars.

"Very rarely," Eddie replied. "I'm only forty years old. I don't want to look and feel like a 12-year-old. I don't feel as… I don't know. I feel better in the bra except that it's heavy. I think this is right for me Jamie. I've been in remission for six months. It's time to get my life back."

Jamie rolled on his side and leaned on his elbow, "And those are pictures of what yours would be like after you have it done? Is it all done with implants?"

"Some of it is saline implants and the other part is fat from my stomach and thighs. It's my skin they are using and so it reduces the risks."

Jamie took a look, "Would you want to be as uh, big as you were before?"

"I was only a C until I had our kids, Reagan," Eddie laughed. "I think I'd go back to my pre-birth size. What do you think?"

"I think you are beautiful and perfect just like you are," Jamie replied. "But if you want to do this, your pre-birth size was just right." He leaned over to give Eddie a kiss.

Present Day

"Everything is going to be fine," Jamie said in a soft reassuring voice. "I promise you, everything is going to be just fine." He kissed her cheek. "In a couple of hours we'll be at lunch celebrating your recovery. I'm sure of it."

Jamie was nervous too. They had fought long and hard to get to this point. After three years, they had a terrible scare at one of Eddie's checkups. Jamie still remembered the call he got from his dad.

Two years ago

"Lieutenant Reagan, you have a phone call on line three," the house mouse told Jamie as he combed through his precinct's reports.

He pushed the button, it was probably Eddie. She had a checkup today, but due to a rise in complaints in his precinct, Jamie had to be at work so Frank stepped up and went with her. "Lieutenant Reagan."

"Jamie, this is Dad," Frank said. "Um, can you get clear to come home? The doctor found something in Eddie's blood test, the CEA-125 test they did last week is high. They just did the mammogram, and she's beside herself."

"Dad, I am swamped down here. Put her on," Jamie requested.

"She doesn't even know I called you. She wanted to tell you, but I think you really need to be here with her. You don't get these moments back."

Jamie signed off on the work on his desk and packed his case. He was on the fast track to one PP if he played his cards right, but what good was that if he didn't have his beloved wife at his side. He left telling his second in command to take over for him citing only, "Family emergency."

When Jamie pulled onto their street his heart was pounding in his chest. He opened the door and was greeted with a blonde whirlwind in his arms. "Jamie… I'm sorry."

Jamie's arms wrapped around Eddie's back and held her tight, "Don't be sorry, don't be sorry. It's going to be okay. It's just a blood test, it can be wrong. Don't cry."

The next three days were nerve-wracking. Jamie and Eddie barely slept, and he was jumpy with the kids and his officers. Finally, by the time they got the call to come to the doctor's office, they were both sleep deprived. Jamie held tight to Eddie's hand as they sat and heard him say, "Your mammogram came back clear and the repeat of the CEA-125 was normal. It was a false positive…"

Present Day

They arrived at the doctor's office exactly on time. They held hands the entire time they waited to be called. There were many patients in the waiting room in various stages of their treatment. Jamie and Eddie had spent so much time in this office over the past five years. Hoping and praying to hear better news than the time before. This time they were praying to hear the same news that Eddie was still cancer free and could look forward to a long happy life with her family. It seemed to take forever before they were finally called back.

"Eddie," the nurse called. "Come on back."

They sat in the doctor's office and waited for her to come inside. Dr. McGee entered ten minutes later with Eddie's test results. Both Jamie and Eddie held their breath until a smile appeared on the doctor's usually stoic face. "Congratulations. Your scans are completely clear. You are cancer free."

Eddie couldn't control her excitement. She gasped and covered her mouth with her hand before leaping out of her chair and throwing her arms around Jamie. He laughed and spun her around, aside from the times when they found out they were having each of their kids, it was the happiest day of their lives.

Eddie was cured, she was well, now they could focus on their marriage, their family, and finding their happily ever after.


End file.
